


Floating Past

by RyeRiley



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Attempt at Humor, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Fluff, HIV/AIDS, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Cheating, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Other: See Story Notes, Self-Esteem Issues, Sexual Content, Slow Burn Clarke Griffin/Lexa, Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-25
Updated: 2019-05-13
Packaged: 2019-08-07 12:40:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 25
Words: 60,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16408697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RyeRiley/pseuds/RyeRiley
Summary: A Clexa AU. Lexa Woods and Clarke Griffin are two travelers escaping different pasts. Somehow, both their paths collide to hone a new trail towards recovery and self-discovery.





	1. Retention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first few chapters are focused on Lexa, Clarke will be introduced after a few chapters.

 

* * *

 

"Memories and thoughts age, just as people do. But certain thoughts can never age, and certain memories can never fade."

_Haruki Murakami, The Wind-Up Bird Chronicle_

 

* * *

 

 

She examined her face in front of the bathroom mirror, both her hands gripping tightly at the edges of the pedestal sink, she repeats a mantra in her head. _You can do this, you can do this, just a few more days._ She then turns on the faucet, stares at the flowing water for a while and contemplates on the rushing sound that it makes. She stares for a while, then closes her eyes and lets the hissing sound of water wash through her mind. _Just a few more boxes left._ She tells herself as she continues to envision this finality in her mind. As water soon filled the china sink, she turns off the faucet; proceeds to wash her face and wipes the moisture from the mirror and continues to scrutinize her face once more. There were new wrinkles in between her brows than the corners of her eyes; she was probably frowning more rather than smiling. Please be better. Lexa Woods tells herself probably for the hundredth time this week. She looks at her reflection in disdain, it felt like her outside was definitely matching what she felt inside. Disheveled, downcast and damaged; this was not her usual self, as a set of green eyes looked back at her likeness. She was slowly deteriorating from life; she refused to participate for months, to connect and just a few days ago finally decided that it was about time to get up and get going before she fell into an abyss of misery. Her reverie was finally broken with a loud knocking at the door. She hastily wiped her face, fixed her hair in a loose ponytail, put on her glasses from the sink stand and proceeded to answer the door.

As she looked into the peephole before opening the door, a familiar face was gawking right back. With a small laugh, she opened the door and greeted the person behind it. His smile was confident; he is a charming man; sports a five o'clock shadow and had an impeccably white set of teeth. He stands about six feet tall, towering inside her apartment. He wore a pin striped white shirt tucked into his dark blue dress pants. His dark brown oxfords were not as shiny as they were last Monday, it was a Thursday when they last saw each other. Recently, she has lost track of time, simply observing the changing of days through sunrises and sunsets. This specimen of a man was Titus, though a year older, he is Lexa's best friend since middle school. Lexa welcomes him with a side hug and he reciprocates with a chaste kiss on her head.

"Have you packed everything yet, love? The movers confirmed that they will be here at 9:00 AM tomorrow." Titus asks as he enters the apartment.

"I'm done with most of the things from the office, kitchen and the living room." Lexa mumbles.

Titus confidently walks around the 75-square meter flat, his shoes tapping on the wood parquet and suddenly he stops in front a black paneled door. "So I suppose you haven't touched the bedroom yet?"

Change was difficult for Lexa. When she went to college, she was homesick for months, she scheduled phone calls with her parents every night. She has never been to any other place before she left to study at the university aside from her birthplace, Polis. Thus, dismantling her bedroom for seven years posed as an arduous task. She had been avoiding it for days. She slowly packed and disassembled the rest of her apartment in the last few days but the bedroom remained as a place of refuge. It was the only remaining memory of the life that she has built for the past few years. The rest of her apartment was now bare, with all her belongings placed inside large cardboard boxes. The walls simply contained outlines of previously hung artworks and the storage units were now empty and dusty. But the bedroom was unmoved, artworks and photographs still cling to the wall, books were scattered on the shelves, and her personal things were still in place. The only missing part in her fortress of memories was the half empty closet; two hanging rods, six drawers and four shelves lay bare. You know how someone may rush into your life and invade a drawer after a week? Well, for Lexa, she has remodeled her entire closet to make space for another person after a month; to give way to an entire wardrobe; an ensemble of coats, jackets, dresses, underwear, bags and shoes and now all of this space was left empty. It will be so much to fill, she thinks.

Lexa remained silent, departing to her thoughts once more. "I can do this last undertaking for you if you're fine with it?" Titus offers, sensing Lexa's discomfort.

"I can do it. But maybe if you stay with me?" Lexa finally answers.

"Of course." Titus replies with a warm smile.

With that Lexa enters the bedroom with Titus and piece by piece they tuck away her life, carefully placing each item into empty cardboard boxes.

* * *

 

Two weeks ago…

The television went on white noise, she fell asleep two hours ago. A half empty bag of potato chips scattered on the parquet floor of her apartment. The fluorescent lamp flickers on the ceiling like the sun at day time. It illuminates the room but does not give life to anything in it. An artificial succulent stands by the window sill; she brought this because it looked real. Her flat was hot like an oven. All the walls are painted white with a few stains here and there; this makes the room look dreary. The temperature reaches thirty-two degrees Celsius; she lies in her unkempt bed of unwashed blankets, her pillow soaked with sweat dripping down her forehead. The last bottle of vodka stands on the coffee table next to her bed. An empty cigarette container has shifted all its burned-up contents into the glass ash tray next to it. It was the same ash tray that they took from a club six months ago because of a dare. That night was so intense it took her two days and tons of lemonade and aspirin to recover from it. An electric fan disperses a pile of manuscripts from the desk to the floor; its propeller is covered with thick filth that the breeze it produces is not strong enough to fling the pieces of paper no further than a foot. Outside you can hear the last train as its engine vanishes further and further towards the very last station, the noises of the neighborhood emerge. Down the block a dog barks at a passerby, a passerby speeds up his bicycle as he passes a dark bend, the grocer at the corner pulls down the store's metal shutters, then the street goes silent for a while.

The digital clock on her bed side table reads 10:52PM. For almost a month now, each night passes by this way. A container of take-out dinner, most likely anything mixed with rice in a box fills the kitchen trash bin. She hasn't cleaned her space for the longest time, she's not always like this, she always had a watchful eye on every speck that has a potential to turn into mildew.

Now, her apartment is barely recognizable from what it once was since she first moved in. A pile of mail lie on top of the kitchen countertop, mostly unopened. Those from the electric company were the only ones taken from the pile. Her mobile phone on top of the coffee table lights up, it doesn't ring, it starts to vibrate. It vibrates until it moves, trembling on top of the coffee table until it falls on to the rug on the floor. It continues to vibrate on the floor; it reads "37 missed calls". Then the silence of the room is broken by a knock on the door.

The rhythmic knocking soon turns into rampant tapping, then after a while becomes heavy banging. She recoils from her sleep, her head suddenly felt light with the rush of blood down her veins she was up on her feet. She stepped on a potato chip; her bare foot crushes the chip into a soft crunch. She stumbles towards the door, her hair so tousled; she manages to see right through her half-opened eyes. She looks for her glasses; she can't see anything beyond two feet without her glasses. _Damn it, where is it?_ She mentally scolds herself. Then she hears a loud crunch beneath her foot; she has found her glasses, one lens shattered, and the frame broken into two. _Screw it!_

"Who is it?" She manages to mutter beneath her breath.

"Open up" the voice behind the door bawls.

She manages to maneuver two dead bolts, one on top of the door frame and another on axis. The door swings open as the lockset clicks loose and a familiar face emerges from behind the door.

"What's up with you? It has been days." Titus storms into the room.

She stands by the door, limp, shoulders down, rubbing her eyes. His wrist glistens with his brand-new silver plated watch, it hurt her eyes. He directs himself towards the kitchen, heads for the refrigerator. He was still dressed in a suit. He probably came from a dinner meeting or an exhibit opening, Lexa wonders to herself. The freezer lies almost empty containing only a half empty ice tray. The other compartments contain a carton of spoiled soy milk, a chunk of moldy cheddar cheese, some mucky green leafy vegetables and a can of ruined tuna. The only thing worth salvaging was a bottle of soda. He shuts the refrigerator door in disgust. He pries on the cupboards and sees nothing but an opened bag of detergent and a couple of unused toothbrushes; nonetheless there were nothing in there but cobwebs on the corners of the shelves. He takes a clean looking ceramic mug from the top of the circular dining table that looks more like a bar table because of its height adjustment mechanism and pours himself some water from the dispenser on top of the kitchen countertop. The cook top on the other end of the countertop looked like it wasn't used for weeks now. He gulped down all the water from the mug and stares at her for a while, she hasn't left her spot, she just stood there by the door. The coolness of the water calmed her nerves a bit.

"You could have at least answered our calls. We're just worried you know?" He stammers in a calmer tone.

"I'm sorry" She mutters in reply.

"I told Anya to let you sulk for a while but she bombarded me with so many messages and commanded me to march down here and make sure that you don't do anything stupid" Titus explains as he refills his mug from the tap.

"You know perfectly well that I am incapable of harming myself, right?" Lexa assures Titus.

"I know that but as opposed to hearing from you almost every day to sudden news blackout, we do have a reason to worry" Titus retorts in a calmer tone.

"I know. Just let me brood for a while will you? This takes some getting used to" Lexa retreats to her bedroom and Titus follows.

"Sure, but tomorrow, I think it will be wise if you do file for that Sabbatical. You might lose your job if you keep this up and it's probably best if you start looking for a new apartment, this place is eating you up. She has left so many blank spaces in here; the indoor plant is gone, her portrait is gone, even the coffee maker is gone. " Titus advises as he settles himself in the doorway of Lexa's bedroom.

"Okay, I'll do that, but will you go with me? Will you help me look for a new flat?" Teary eyed, Lexa connects with Titus through her stare. As best friends, they have mastered this, a strange telepathic-like connection with their eyes.

"Of course" Titus replies with a warm smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, this is going to be a multi-chapter fic and a bit of a slow burn. This is my first fic, so I'll try to post a few chapters in this week to build a background for the characters. All the characters are not mine and belong to their rightful owners. All typographical errors and mistakes are mine.


	2. Projection

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some snippets on Lexa's and Titus' past relationships, more details will be revealed later on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The first few chapters are used to develop Lexa's back story, Clarke will be introduced shorty. Again, all typographical errors and mistakes are mine.

* * *

"There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down."

_Don Delillo_

* * *

It was six o'clock in the morning, Lexa was typically an early riser but her current habits for the past few months has scarred not only her well-being but her physical health as well. The break-up has truly shaken her life, both in a major way and even in the details affecting her day to day patterns. Despite the spontaneity of her job, Lexa was a creature of habit- therefore, some imbalance in her life stemmed into absolute chaos.

Every day she would wake up at five-thirty, put on her running shoes and take a quick sprint to the park, the streets of Polis was mostly barren in the early morning except for market-goers and street cleaners. Lexa loved her morning runs, it gave her time to think and she would often find herself smiling to some 80's hit song blasting in her earphones. Her typical routine also involved passing by a local coffee shop to get fresh bagels for her then girlfriend, Costia. She would then head home, brew some coffee and browse social media and some news as she waits for Costia to get up and join her in the breakfast nook as they proceed to discuss current events. _This was a memory that she shouldn't get back to._

She was seated in the outdoor area of a coffee shop located north of Polis Park. She could view the narrow lagoon of the park from where she sat. Lexa then thought about the JD Salinger novel, "Catcher in the Rye", the protagonist, Holden asked about where the ducks would go during wintertime when the lagoon freezes over. It remained a mystery to both Holden and Lexa; are all the ducks able to fly south? Lexa's literature teacher in high school said that the ducks symbolized Holden's child-like optimism that as he grew older he slowly loses faith in people. Whether Lexa's teacher gave the right analysis, she doesn't care because right now, she feels like all the ducks were left to freeze in the pond.

Lexa started smoking at the age of 16 due to some dare set by Anya. Lexa quit smoking at the age of 23 because she found out that she could develop a serious lung disease if she continues. Now, here's Lexa taking up smoking once again at the age of 30 to vent out some of her stress. She inhaled the remainder of her cigarette as she continued to observe the lagoon sans the ducks. She was not at the coffee shop just to get breakfast or to finally, bring her routine back. She was there waiting for Titus to retrieve some notarized documents regarding her lease for her new apartment. Lexa was currently crashing at her parents' place as she prepared for the move. She stayed at the guest room because her old bedroom was converted into yet another study since according to her mom, the natural lighting was better there. A day after Titus went to Lexa's apartment to help her pack for the move, they found a new space for Lexa through Titus' new realtor "friend" or the latest dude that he was probably sleeping with. Titus did not generally sleep around, he was in a long-term relationship with Lexa's co-worker, Gustus. However, the constant traveling demanded by Gustus' work like Lexa's placed a toll on their relationship. Lexa was able to predict Costia's behavior because she was very much in the same position as Gustus. And Titus as Lexa's best friend, divulged all his illicit escapades to Lexa. Lexa condoned Titus' behavior for a while, simply because Gustus willingly agreed to this arrangement. But similar to both their relationships, the weight of guilt and denial was too difficult to bear.

Moreover, Titus and Lexa grew up in a pretty progressive environment. Both of Titus' parents were businesspeople and among their five children, they couldn't care less if one turned out to be gay; the return of investments was already evident in the marriages of the other four. Lexa's parents on the other hand were both university professors but both belonged to wealthy families, her mother was a sociologist and her father, a geographer. When Lexa came out at twelve, they were nothing but supportive to their only child. Lexa met Anya in a LGBT support group when they were in high school, together with Titus; they remained each other's constants despite prolonged times of separation.

Through her contemplation, Lexa suddenly noticed a recognizable figure walking towards her from across the street. In meeting Titus, Lexa often feels underdressed. Lexa was currently wearing an oversized grey knitted batwing cardigan on top of her black sweater, whereas Titus was wearing a caramel colored long-sleeved wool jacket over a white shirt with a slim tie. Titus was never dressed down for any occasion, even when he was out on a casual day with friends. He continued to cross the street, shielding his left temple from the harsh rays of the sun with a thick manila envelope.

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" Lexa stood up to greet him.

"Sorry for being a bit late, Alistair decided to stay the night" Titus reasoned as he sat down in front of Lexa.

"Alistair's the name of my agent, right?" Lexa quipped.

"Yes, and I suppose you do appreciate my sleeping around since I helped you speed up the process of finding a new place" Titus retorted. "So have you decided where to spend your sabbatical yet?"

"I'm going to the office today to settle some arrangements with Indra. She was prepared to grant me my sabbatical, but she might probably ask me to work on some story on the side" Lexa shared. Indra was Lexa's editor; she is typically an understanding boss but can also be a thorough one at times. "She said something about hitting two birds with one stone blah blah blah".

"She can be a slave-driver sometimes, I remember how she asked Gus to write about wine and vineyards while we were on our holiday at Italy. Imagine taking down notes on a notebook as you go wine-tasting, that was supposed to be a leisure activity. I still wonder why Gus continues to put up with her after all these years" Titus recalls.

"I remember you telling me that it was fine because 'a guy has got to earn his keep' or something to that effect. And why do you still care about Gus' well-being, you ran out of his life a long time ago" Lexa was quick to remind Titus.

"Hold your tongue missy! Correction! Despite my advantages in our agreed arrangement, to my merit, I was brave enough to step up and call everything off. That was for his sake, not mine" Titus countered, shoving the manila envelope filled with documents to Lexa.

"You monsters really know how to defend yourselves do you? Did you know that Gustus compared you to a vampire? He said that you were like a vampire, if you don't feed, you'll go weak and that he can't feed you blood off his dying corpse all the time and that you needed to suck from fresh victims every day! I think you went down pretty low, dude" Lexa related Gus' narrative to Titus.

"He said that? My god, he really is smart, I couldn't fathom how he could manufacture such a metaphor about me. He really did love me, did he?" Titus realized as he slumped further into his seat.

"Well, monsters and men never really do co-exist, Titus. Monsters usually hide under beds and scare off their prey" Lexa remarked as she proceeded to examine the notarized documents Titus gave her.

"Either that or they thrive inside closets, but that's a place I'll never go back to ever again! Anyway, the landlord said that you can move your things a day from now as soon as you're ready" Titus stated.

"Thank you, Titus. I'll move in some of my stuff as soon as I can but I won't settle right away. I suppose, I'll be headed to someplace much warmer this March" Lexa announced.

* * *

Lexa exited Indra's office about two hours after work hours later that evening, she wanted avoid the small talk from her other co-workers. She proceeded to share her itinerary with her editor but she left some significant parts out to give way for some space for her personal musings. Lexa planned for a month-long trip across Mainland Southeast Asia. From Polis, she'll enter Asia through Hanoi. After a week in Vietnam, she'll be travelling by land across borders entering Siem Reap to see the Angkor Wat complex. Then after about another week or so, she'll once again cross the border to Thailand. The last leg of her trip was intended to end in Bangkok since she'll be visiting Anya there. Anya is currently working on her dissertation with one of the universities there. Lexa plans to stay there for about two weeks. Despite her needed breather, Indra requested Lexa to document her trip, claiming that she could turn it into a backpacker's journal when she returns. Lexa considered it as a win-win situation, at least Indra agreed that she could write about absolutely anything in this journal. May it be about safe and affordable hostels, mysterious delicacies or cultural practices, Indra advised Lexa to consider anything out of the usual published stories.

As she continued to walk around the office to gather some of her things from her desk, she saw a familiar figure lurking about the conference room. The room was empty now, except of this single person, he had his back against the door as he furiously typed in his laptop. Some documents were spread across a rustic long table with metal framing having a polished cherry wood trunk for its top. The accent wall behind the table was filled with magazine covers turned into a somewhat of a wallpaper. The wall across it contained long heavy ledges which housed coffee table books and magazine copies. The only light illuminating the room was from a pendant light set directly above the sole employee.

"Working late, Gus?" Lexa chimed as she hopped on the swivel chair next to Gustus.

"Jesus! You scared the hell out me!" In his shock, Gustus almost fell from his seat. "Don't ever do that again."

"Sorry about that, I just wanted to say hi and maybe bye for a while" Lexa explained.

"I haven't seen you around in days and now you're telling me that you're going away again?" Gustus probed. "Anyway, where have you been or better yet, where will you go?"

"Well, I'm taking my sabbatical for a while, chief gave me about two months. But of course, doesn't mean I'm off without an assignment. She asked me to write about my trip" Lexa shared, as she examined the documents Gustus had on the table.

"Where to?" Gustus asked.

"Hmm, I'm thinking Southeast Asia, it's warmer there this time of the year. I'm planning a trip to Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand. I hope to stay awhile at Bangkok, to visit Anya" Lexa stated.

"Well, I suppose you'll definitely get some headspace to recover there, I heard about Costia. I'm sorry, I should have emphasized more that she might end up like Titus" Gustus reached for Lexa's hand to comfort her.

"No worries, Costia and Titus may be a lot alike but at you two figured it out sooner. I was with Costia for 5 fucking years, Gus. I allowed myself to wallow in that pain for a long time. Talk about masochism" Lexa was almost in tears but she held back, she was probably angrier now. But not at Costia, probably more at herself since she allowed this to happen to her.

"For whatever it's worth, I do hope that you come back in a better disposition after this trip. I kinda miss messing with the ol' cheery Lexa. Even when I broke up with Titus, I still had that ol' cheery Lexa around here" Gustus held Lexa's face in both his hands, wiping away a sole teardrop that escaped Lexa's right eye.

"I'll definitely come back and be around for you Gus. Remember when you asked me who I would choose between you and Titus?" Lexa's tone was brighter now.

"Hah! And not for a second did you hesitate to answer" Gustus smiled.

"Of course, I would take your side, he made the wrong decisions! But somehow, you guys found a way to both be around me despite the circumstances" Lexa cheered.

"If things were repeated?" Gustus asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Then I would back you up over and over again! But don't tell him that, he'll get jealous. Plus, I shared your vampire metaphor with him" Lexa joked.

"Darling, we are no longer in speaking terms but oh, what did he say about the metaphor?" Gustus was a little bit curious.

"That you were smart to think that and that you were selfless" Lexa answered.

"Yup, I am smart and I think we both are- too selfless idiots to allow ourselves to endure pain for so long, but hey, we're free now" and with that being said, Gustus enveloped Lexa in a tight hug.


	3. Pre-departure

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa unsuspectingly gets advice through the most meaningful phone call that she has ever received in weeks.

* * *

"A person's life consists of a collection of events, the last of which could also change the meaning of the whole, not because it counts more than the previous ones but because once they are included in a life, events are arranged in an order that is not chronological but, rather, corresponds to an inner architecture."

_Italo Calvino_

* * *

Lexa sits at the pre-departure area, her thoughts lingering elsewhere. Was it only the other day that she was jotting down her itinerary in her notebook. Despite her job, Lexa was not much of an adventurer. She is a planner; it assures her when a strict itinerary is plotted out; ETDs, ETAs, where to eat, what to do and who to meet. Lexa cringes at the fact that up to this moment, she has not mapped out all her hotels and hostels yet. The idea of moving where the wind will carry you, was not at all appealing for Lexa. She felt numb because she was not thrilled at all, but she felt nervous because she feared the unknown. It was this unknown that has brought her steadiness in turmoil. She thought that she had everything planned at her twenties; the job, the house, and the girlfriend. Everything was in order but she's back to the building blocks now. She lost the girlfriend, as the result, she needed to give up the apartment and now she's taking a break from work. If this was just a pothole in life, Lexa needs to make sure that she does not keep on running with a flat tire. Her trance was broken by the airline announcement.

_Passengers of Sky Crew Airlines Flight 3304 please proceed to the pre-departure area; boarding will commence shortly._

She thought about Costia, where she went and probably about what she was doing that very instance or perhaps who she was doing at the moment. Lexa was hurting still but somehow she laughed at that notion. A few months ago, Costia was either beside her or was in her thoughts. Even in her work trips, she would constantly communicate with Costia at definite periods each day. A call in the morning, a text at noon and Skype in the evening; Lexa was a bit predictable. Maybe that's why Costia knew how to work around her schedule and not get caught as she slept around. She needs to get used to this, being totally alone.

Thirty minutes more and Lexa will be off to a new unknown. Her stomach churns and her anxiety causes her nausea. As Lexa fights her uneasiness, suddenly phone rings. She was glad to find out who was on the other end of line, so she picked up immediately.

"Hey dad!"

"Hey sweetheart, how's it going? Mom told me that you were leaving tonight. Sorry, I wasn't able to join you for dinner last night. I just got back from a conference in Jordan, the temples of Petra were amazing!"

"That's great dad, I can sense that you had a great time. Though I suppose you must have enjoyed the sight-seeing more." Lexa felt a bit relieved now, someone her father's voice felt comforting.

"You know the academe; mostly everything is just the 'same old-same old'. Despite all the work, we haven't built flying cars yet, resolved how we will survive climate change or concoct world peace". He gagged.

"Yeah, I bet we all have a long way to go. So, I think you should attend more conferences to figure that out." Lexa quipped with sarcasm.

"Hah! So, how's the new apartment?" Her father asks in a sing song manner.

"I haven't really settled yet, most of my things are still in boxes. Titus helped me with the move and he promised to help me remodel when I get back."

"That's nice to know. So how's Titus? I haven't heard from him for a while now."

"Let's see, he hooked up with some sexy Italian guy, gained some weight, lost some hair and broke up with Gustus because he cheated; all in reverse order." Lexa loved picking on her father's wit.

"Hah! I'd say, he should think about behaving and settling soon. Time will creep up on you sooner than you think. Then all the physical shit, pardon my language, will remain important but may be considered irrelevant at some point."

"Well, probably. But if he continues sleeping around, no one will stick around for that. Look what happened to me?" Lexa suddenly shifted from her cheery tone to a somber mood.

"Sorry kiddo, shouldn't have said that. I forgot that that was still a sore topic." Her dad apologized.

"It is fine dad but I'm really trying, you know? That's why I needed to do this."

"I know, remember, one time I told you that you should take some time off and travel alone somewhere before you turn thirty? Well, you said that it was no longer needed because you felt so settled last year." Her father recalled. "There's something about new decades in life, it feels like the transition sometimes compels us to work on a transformation. Come to think of it, I wonder what I'll do before I turn sixty two years from now. I might try bungee jumping but my cardiologist said it might be too much for me. In your case, probably, your timeline just got a little bit delayed or this could be the transformation setting in."

"Yeah, probably…it made me rethink a lot of things."

"Cliché as it may seem but maybe you are destined for something else…for someone else." Lexa's dad states with a sigh.

"I hope so, anyway, this kind of talk is not the type for airport small talk, maybe we'll need to crack open a bottle of wine for this next time. I miss you dad and all your enigmas in life."

"I miss you too, kiddo. Mom and I will visit you when you return."

"I'll hold you to your word; make sure you won't be too busy with work when I come back."

"In behalf of mom, I promise. I really feel bad for not being able to see you off. You'll be away for a month or two?"

"A month probably, but who knows. I don't even have a clear itinerary mapped out."

"Hey, no one's pressuring you…oh but does Indra have a trace on you?"

"She told me that I should write but only if I wanted to. Take note, operative word is 'should'." Lexa stressed then realizing something she breathes in deeply. "Daddy…I'm so scared."

"About what, the trip? You should be careful about dealing with strangers. We both know that I'm not a Liam Neeson if ever you get taken." Her father joked, sensing her apprehension.

"Yeah dad, you can't even memorize his lines from that movie. No, not just the trip, but maybe about life in general? Do you honestly think things will ever get better for me?"

"Hmm…okay…" Her father contemplates at the other end of the line. "Remember in college, when we first took you to your dorm? That was the first time that you were going to be away from us. You were so frightened of the fact that you were rooming with a total stranger and that you'll be sharing a bathroom with all the other girls in the hall. You were very much an introvert growing up and you were too afraid to move outside your box. You functioned around routines, Lexa, we never had a difficult time with you. You enjoyed the same cheerios for breakfast, you watched episodes of the same cartoons over and over again, and you wore the same jumper every time we went to the park. So, the thought of so many new things was very terrifying for you." Her dad paused for a bit to emphasize his question. "Remember what I told you then?"

"Yeah, you told me to think of myself as air in a balloon." Lexa rolled her eyes as she recounted her father's complicated metaphor.

"Go on…"

"That as more air streams into the balloon, it expands slowly, it becomes bigger. Then at a certain point, it will contain enough air until the balloon takes flight. Then once it reaches a certain height in the atmosphere, it will pop and suddenly all the air once contained in the balloon will mix into the atmosphere and its boundaries will become limitless."

"Did you get the point of my metaphor?"

"Yes dad, now I am more open to people and I made a lot of friends after that."

"Yup, you made friends with your roommate and then you extended your social sphere with the other girls at the dorm. Then, you made friends with your peers and after a year, you had more friends than Titus. Then after college, you went to places that I've never been to before and met a lot of people from different backgrounds and to think that I'm the geographer in the family." Her dad cackled.

"Yeah, all of that was because of your advice, dad. But what if somehow, I end up being completely alone in the end? The balloon gets burst from all the pressure you know and it even ends up killing creatures at sea!" Lexa was back to her cynical self.

"Don't be so morbid about life, Alexandria. Then maybe you might or maybe you will…"

"Dad, you're not really helping…"

"No, let me finish. Being married for almost 40 years, probably you'll think that we always depended on each other, mom and I. That may be the case but you want to know what's really scary, Lexa?"

"I'm listening."

"That is if you'll end up realizing how lonely you feel despite being with someone. Then, in fact, being alone might be better. Not that that ever occurred to mom and I, don't get me wrong. Go out on this trip; be comfortable about being all by yourself. Find yourself again. You never did anything alone aside from work when you were with Costia. When you started out, both of you were individual souls, two separate beings. Then, you became one and the same. Now, being apart may feel that you were cut in half, that you may fear about not being able to make yourself whole again. But that is not the case, regain yourself. So, that next time, when the right person comes along, you are another whole not just a fraction of what you once were. That other person shouldn't be there just to put you back together. That person deserves better, you deserve better."

Lexa was in the verge of tears now. She always loved this about her dad, he always knew the right things to say. His words were not just a plot for false assurance but a sensible outlook of what the future may hold.

"Thanks, dad. You always find the right words to say."

"Again, being married for a long time bequests me that wisdom. Now, will you be alright? I believe this has been the most meaningful 20-minute phone call that we had" her dad chuckles.

"I feel much better now. By the way, is mom there?"

"Uhm, she's still at her office but she made sure that I won't forget to call you before you leave."

_Passengers of Sky Crew Airlines Flight 3304, this is your boarding call._ The airline announcement resounds at the pre-departure area.

"I guess I need to go now, dad. I love you! Tell mom that I love her too!"

"Take good care, dear! Call us when you get to Vietnam and don't forget to bring home some coffee. We love you too!"

Lexa boards the plane in deep contemplation about what her father said. For his track record, he was typically right about so many things. As a geographer, not only did he know how to map out places and people but he also always found his way around his daughter's mind and heart. In this case, Lexa was always the one lost in her thoughts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke will be introduced in the next chapter, so please bear with me. This is going to be a bit of a slow burn. Thank you for reading!


	4. Static

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke is introduced and some crucial events in Clarke's past are mentioned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warning: some explicit content lies ahead, also, mentions of character death, depression and self-harm.

* * *

"Stanchion, n.

I don't want to be the strong one, but I don't want to be the weak one, either. Why does it feel like it's always one or the other? When we embrace, one of us is always holding the other a little tighter".

_David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary, p. 183, Picador_

* * *

He grabbed her wrists and pinned her to the wall, he paused, Clarke relaxed for a bit and he edged his leg between hers. His breath was hot against her neck, his hands moved from her arms down to the rim of her denim skirt. The fabric of his jeans were rough against her skin, for the lack of better term, Clarke felt a rush of arousal. His curly locks brushed against Clarke's chin, he sucked at her neckline and worked his way up to nibble her earlobe. Even though they just met a few weeks ago, Clarke has found his dominance as a potent aphrodisiac- she has never felt so hot for someone in a long time.

Physically, Bellamy Blake was an archetype of a manly man; rough hands, ripped body, musky scent and a smooth tone of voice. Emotionally, however, though his witty sense of humor compensated for his arrogance; he was self-absorbed and was not actually receptive of Clarke's sentiments. But Clarke was not really after his emotional support; she just wanted to feel again and she got caught up with all the attention Bellamy was giving her, she agreed to be his girlfriend after a week of hooking up behind the bar where Bellamy worked.

Bellamy eased up her skirt and slipped his hand into her underwear.

"Damn, princess, you're already so wet for me." Bellamy whispered seductively into her ear.

"Then, what are you going to do about it?" Clarke replied suggestively.

And with that exchange; Bellamy swiped her underwear to the side and parted her lips, searched for her clit and continued to rub its tip until he elicited a sensual moan from Clarke. Suddenly, Bellamy removed his hand and lifted her, by now her legs were tightly locked unto his hip, Clarke could feel Bellamy hard against her. They entered Bellamy's room in this position, whilst both kissing in frenzy, Bellamy bounced Clark on the foot of the bed. Hurriedly he undid his belt and flies, and pulled down his pants and swiftly removed her soiled underwear together with her skirt. He then penetrated her, hard and fast, it was a mixture of pleasure and pain for Clarke. As she recoiled back and forth onto the bed, she couldn't help but think- so; this is how they have started their relationship, quick and eager.

It was at six-thirty the following day that Bellamy's alarm clock blared. Clarke was not too keen about this, but this was one thing that she couldn't understand about Bellamy. For such a lazy man who usually works until two o'clock in the morning, he manages to get up at exactly six-thirty to jog. Then after his jog, he would come home, grab and quick breakfast and sleep until five in the afternoon to prepare for his evening shift. For the past few days that Clarke has been sleeping over, she never really had much sleep. She was the type that if she overslept when the sun comes up, she would end up having terrible migraines throughout the day and no cup of coffee would fix that.

"Gaaah, I hate your alarm clock!" Clarke exclaimed.

"Shhh, go back to bed, I'll be back in a short while." Bellamy was tying the shoelaces of his trainers at the foot of the bed.

"Grab some breakfast on your way back." Clarke mumbled, enveloping her head in between a pillow-sandwich.

"Okay, will do…" Bellamy moves to put on a tattered Ramones t-shirt.

Bellamy was almost out of the bedroom door but then he takes a step back, suddenly remembering something.

"Hey Clarke, I need to tell you something…are you still awake?"

"Barely…can it wait?" Clarke replied with closed eyes.

"Uhm, better I tell you now before I forget about it again." Bellamy clears his throat, unsure of how Clarke will take what he was about to say.

"Ow shoot! Okay…what?! I'm awake now. I'm listening…what's so important that it can't wait?" Clarke suddenly opens her eyes and moves to sit up against the headboard.

"Okay, come to think about it, I'm quite excited about telling you know. Remember, last time, I told you how I earned a lot of tips during the holidays? Well, a bro of mine gave me an idea. He went on a trip to several regions in Asia last year and he really had the time of his life. He went surfing and partied at several beaches" Bellamy was animated now. "So, I decided to try it out and earlier this year, I booked a ticket! I'm going backpacking Clarke!"

"So, you're telling me now because?" Clarke asked in a nonchalant tone, not so enthusiastic about being bombarded by a lot of information in the morning.

"…and I decided to invite you! You should come with me Clarke! You can afford it, right?" Bellamy requested but he was a bit unsure of how Clarke might react.

"So, tell me, you just decided to suddenly travel together while our relationship is still but a few days old?" Clarke was pointing back and forth between herself and Bellamy, struggling to emphasize a point.

"Yes! Of course! Where's your sense of adventure, Clarke Griffin!" Bellamy mocked.

"Okay but hold your horses, where are we going exactly?"Initially, Clarke wasn't too keen with spontaneity, but with what has happened to her over the last three years, she promised herself to never miss out on opportunities.

"Roughly, we can start with the Philippines, there are great beaches there. Then we can cross to Thailand, and then maybe head to Vietnam. I'm not really sure yet, we can just feel around, stick to the fun part and move on to the next when we get bored. We can go surfing, bum around beaches and even get new tattoos. So, are you up for it?"

Clarke pretended that she was contemplating for a while but she already knew her answer to Bellamy's invitation moments ago.

"Hell! Why not, what else do I have to lose?!" Clarke cried out and with that Bellamy hugged her tightly lifting her off the bed.

* * *

 

Later that day…

Clarke was working at her studio, if there was one little secret that she has kept from Bellamy, it was that she lived comfortably. In contrast, Clarke was not a starving artist; in fact, her trust fund will be able to support her for many years if only she knew how to use it well. But Clarke was a relentless alcoholic; if not cooped up in her studio with a bottle of whiskey on forlorn evenings, she was out dancing with some friends in a club or chatting up some stranger in a pub. In this manner, she stumbled upon Bellamy, a charismatic bartender in some hipster pub downtown. Her downward spiral started when her mother passed away due to lung cancer when she was in her senior year in high school. Her father was M.I.A. since her birth, her mother never talked about him. She was raised alone by her mother with support from her grandparents. As a known neurosurgeon, her mother was able to maintain their prolific lifestyle when her grandparents passed. Her mother was then married to an architect named Marcus Kane. Since they married late, Clarke did not have any siblings but Marcus took care of her as his own. With such irony, her mother, Dr. Abigail Griffin, however, was diagnosed with stage 4 lung cancer. Due to early pressures of life and work, Abby succumb to chain smoking and this resulted to her passing after two years of being married to Marcus. Without Abby as a buffer, Marcus and Clarke's underdeveloped connection as step-father and step-daughter was not yet fully realized. As they separately mourned for Abby, Clarke and Marcus walked around eggshells. Marcus pursued his work as usual and Clarke buried herself in alcohol and partying.

Clarke and Abby moved in to Marcus' mid-century modern Eichler house in the suburbs of Arkadia. As an architect, Marcus was thrilled when he found out that his step-daughter had a degree in visual communication. So, in his remodeled glass house, he set up a studio for Clarke. Her space had glass curtain windows on one side which faced the garden, a skylight, and polished concrete floors. The walls were cladded with hardwood slats and broad slate stone slabs. Clarke and Marcus would spend late afternoons sharing tea and butter cookies, healthily arguing about famous artists and designers or simply butting heads about food and current events. At some point, Clarke was happy to finally find a father in Marcus. But this happiness was short lived due to Abby's demise. Both of them deteriorated into a continuous cycle of despair.

But losing Abby was not the only baggage Clarke had. A year before Abby's death, Clarke lost another person who she valued the most. The suddenness of John Murphy's fatality remained a mystery to Clarke. At 21, Clarke thought that John Murphy was her soul mate. John and Clarke went to the School of the Arts and Design at Polis University together. Polis was a metropolitan district about forty-five minutes away from the suburbs of Arkadia. Clarke was initially flabbergasted with the vulgarity of Murphy's work. Murphy disliked being called John, raised by a single mom; he detested his first name when he knew that it was given by his father before he abandoned them. So he stuck to his mother's last name, he used this to sign all his works. Most of the time, Murphy was branded as an anarchist, he challenged conventional ideas art and risked unpopularity simply to subvert order into confusion. He once painted a self-portrait, arduously applying the techniques of some Renaissance masters such as Botticelli and Caravaggio. He then proceeded to vandalize his own work by haphazardly spilling red paint over his own portrait. His daring gestures and words captured Clarke's attention. To the eyes of others, together, Clarke and Murphy were like Sid and Nancy obliterating everything in their way. But to them, they were more like Charles and Ray Eames, speaking their own language, working in sync.

However, Clarke never realized that Murphy would take his destructive means of expression in a whole new level. One winter's eve, at exactly 9:22PM on his 26th birthday, John Murphy took his old Toyota Corolla and drove it off a cliff. His body surfaced after a week. The only thing he left Clarke was a small haphazardly handwritten message that he has left on a canvas on his room saying: " _Clarke_ , _I love you and you absolutely had nothing to do with it_ ". For years now, Clarke has attributed his action to his depression that he never really discussed with Clarke. This was the hand that Clarke was dealt with; prior to recovering from the loss of her boyfriend, her mom followed.

Each day droned as any other day, being with Bellamy made Clarke feel again. Though this was mostly in a physical sense, but she pictured that the longer she gives in to numbness, she might never be able to feel again. As she recalled all these adversities in her life, Clarke has managed to finish drawing a mandala using a piece of chalk on the floor of her studio.

"I see that you're home" Clarke did not notice that Marcus was observing her from the doorway for over ten minutes now.

"I got in this morning" was all Clarke said in reply as she focused on the last details of her drawing.

"Were you with that man-child again?" Marcus asked. Despite their emotional distance, Marcus was still deeply concerned with Clarke's struggles and he sensed that being with Bellamy is not going to help Clarke's present condition.

"He's not bothering you" Clarke answered aware of her step-father's disapproval.

"Fine, I just don't want him around here" Marcus clarified.

"Don't worry, he won't be. Actually, we won't be for some time" Clarke's relationship with Marcus was totally strained now. If earlier, she had second thoughts about joining Bellamy, surely she made her decision now. Being away from Marcus' negativity might help her ease up for a bit. Maybe not being on each other's nerves all the time might help them move on much faster. She probably needed this impulsive trip, if only as a first step into regaining her stability again and consequently, having the nerves to actually confront issues with Marcus when she returns.

"What do you mean?" Marcus asked in confusion.

"I'll be backpacking with Bellamy across Southeast Asia, a few days from now" Clarke declared.

Marcus' face lighted up a bit; he knew that he was trapped in an abyss of grief with Clarke. But Clarke's intention to travel and to get out of Arkadia for a while might be the best news that he has heard in months.

"Actually, I'm quite happy that you have decided to finally do something else. But are you sure that you need to do this with him?" Marcus only wanted the best for Clarke.

"Don't worry, I can handle myself. Plus, he'll help me find my way around" Clarke stood up from the floor and she addressed Marcus by not actually having to look at him.

"Fine, but promise me that you'll be in touch so I'll know you're safe" Marcus leaned towards Clarke trying capture her attention.

"Okay, but I won't be printing out an itinerary, we don't have one" Clarke stated nonchalantly.

As Clarke moved to exit the studio, Marcus went closer to the mandala to take in Clarke's work. It was an intricate layer of floral and geometric patterns but despite its complexity it was drawn using chalk.

"Clarke, you know it will fade in few days, right?" Marcus was referring to Clarke's work on the floor.

"I've read that mandalas symbolized the universe. Monks in Tibet would draw mandalas on the ground using sand. Then the wind washes all the sand away after they are done" Clarke explained.

"Why would you even bother, then?"

"Let go, Marcus, nothing is permanent in this world" and with that Clarke exited the room, leaving behind a smirking Marcus, shaken by what Clarke had said.


	5. Infringement

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some highlights of the Lexa and Costia relationship set in the past. Please note that Lexa and Costia's stories will be told in flashbacks. For this fic, I have re-imagined Costia being portrayed by the actress, Nathalie Emmanuel or Missandei from Game of Thrones.

* * *

"Breach, n.

I didn't want to know who he was, or what you did, or that it didn't mean anything".

David Levithan, The Lover's Dictionary, p. 38, Picador

* * *

The plane started to ascend, Lexa hated flying alone, her insides started to jerk and she felt her knees go week. Usually, as the plane goes up in altitude, Lexa would close her eyes and Costia would hold her hand firmly, constantly assuring her that everything is going to be fine. But Lexa was alone now and all she could do was to tighten her grip on the armrests of the aircraft seat and wish that this feeling would be all over soon. Lexa disliked take-offs as much as landings or any change of altitude in general.

Three months ago…

_"I don't want to know his name."_

_"Their names." Costia corrected in a low muffled voice._

_Lexa held on tight to the dining table, her fingers digging deep almost scraping the edges of the mahogany top. I saw this coming and I turned a blind eye. Lexa scolded herself internally, she never realized that a delightfully planned evening would have a tragic turn._

_Lexa and Costia went out to attend Titus' opening gala in his new art gallery. As a travel writer and photographer, Lexa saw this as a networking event as well. The evening commenced with Costia by her side, they maneuvered around greeting old and new friends, chatting with some artists and commending Titus for his new space. But then after a few wine glasses in, Costia disappeared somewhere and Lexa was caught up being schmoozed by some local chef for a magazine feature. Lexa wanted to blame the chef that she was talking to for being shorter than her because just right above his head, in Lexa's direct view was Costia seemingly absorbed in a flirtatious exchange. No sound can be heard from the distance; Lexa has managed to drone out the music and the continuous monologue of her apparently oblivious companion. The scene before her revealed a giggling Costia and a dapper fellow with a structured hairstyle whispering something too close to Costia's face and his right hand wandering to her waist. Lexa breezed towards the couple's direction and she was met by a mortified expression from Costia._

_"Excuse me, but I believe we need to step out for a second" was all Lexa should manage as she grabbed Costia's arm._

_"And who are you? Can't you see we're in the middle of something…" The insensitive fellow responded, annoyed with the sudden interruption._

_"Her girlfriend" Lexa barked, aggressively pulling Costia towards the nearest exit. She didn't bother to apologize or to look back because she knew what philandering looked like. Being with Costia for over 5 years, she was resentful not to point out the latter's unrelenting flirting with strangers._

_Then just like a broken dam, their relationship ruptured that very evening. Lexa could not exactly recall all the upheaval at the parking lot. Both of them poured out their emotions; Lexa's jealousy and Costia's admittance of her infidelity. Lexa wanted to drive away but instead she motioned Costia to get in the car so that they can privately finish their debacle at home, too conscious to cause a scene at Titus' event._

Costia was supposed to be the love of her life. Yet, there she was, now settled on the living room couch still in her black dress with her back against Lexa, resting her forehead on her knees, arched in fetal position. She turned to look at Lexa in the eye- hazel brown meets emerald green. Costia's eyes were remorseful while Lexa's was full of contempt.

"Do you really want to know, Lexa?" Though guilt-ridden, Costia was always headstrong, too proud to back down from anything, hence, her tone.

"Yes" was all Lexa could answer.

"Okay then, so, when you were in Amsterdam, I hooked up with Echo. Remember her, my ex from college? She was here for a business trip and she invited me to dinner. Then, a few months ago, when you went to London, I went out with Ontari and the girls, that's when I saw her brother, Roan again. Remember him? He always had the hots for me since high school. Apparently, we ended up drunk in a hotel room. Then, the guy you screamed at earlier, his name was Derrick, I went out with him last week because I thought that he was outside our social circle…" Costia was on a roll now, her voice getting louder as she spoke.

"Enough!" Lexa pounded her fist on the dining table. "Why?" Her face was now etched with frustration and loathing, a single tear dropped from the corner of her eye.

"Why? You ask me why, Lexa? Don't you know me? Haven't I told you before? Remember, when you asked me to be your girlfriend, I asked you if you were sure but you insisted…" Costia was irate now rather than apologetic.

"I believed in what we have…" Lexa started to cry, her voice filled with dejection.

"What we had?! Lexa, what we had was a relationship based on sex. I thought you were up to being a one night stand. You were supposed to be a new adventure and a smart and sensitive conquest at most. But guess what, a night turned into a week, a week into a month, a month into years. You perfectly knew me before you asked to be my girlfriend after a month. You were up for a U-haul despite my inconsistencies. But guess what, I gave it a chance, I tried it for you. But I couldn't contain myself to tell you bluntly. You were all of the sudden turning into an adult; you were so worried about paying bills, your career and our future. You plotted out everything in your head, setting up a succulent garden, getting a cat and even listing down cute wedding songs. While I was there at the corner, deteriorating, forgetting about my own plans, desperately trying to settle down with you. Doing the same things day in and day out, meeting the same people, revolving around the same social circles. You knew this was coming, yet you turned a blind eye even if I was hooking up with some guys after a year. Even in sex, you insisted to do whatever I wanted even if you felt uncomfortable. All of this for what?! To compensate, to make sure that all the things run smoothly as planned. So, that I would stay contented by your side? I learned to live with your silence, your subtle bouts of jealousy and your concealed anger. I kept on confronting you with my infidelity and thank the gods that you finally gave in tonight!" Costia snapped.

"What else do you want from me?" Lexa probed in a weak trembling voice.

"You really don't get it, do you? Nothing more, Lexa. No More. Don't you see? I already am a monster, feeding off your misery. Torturing you…until you let me go. I am not as passionate as you, I do not believe in whirlwind romances and settling down. I get bored easily, I am not a romantic, I don't want to be sadistic…I am still confused. I need to explore, Lexa, I'm not really sure if this is what I want. I need to get out there and learn more about myself while I'm still young. It's too early to settle, stop turning me into a dream and venerating me on a pedestal, I am not some church relic. I am broken and I need to mend on my own but I am not as fragile as you think either. I am just so tired of this; everyone thinks I'm delicate. But guess what, I am a wreck and I don't need setting up, especially not from you" Costia explained.

Lexa was silent, she had felt Costia's rejection for months now, but she has never said a word; she was in denial. Costia refused to kiss her in public at times, Costia pursued her own evening plans for several occasions, and sometimes, Costia claimed that she was too tired for sex. Lexa's world was crumbling; she was too afraid to confront her because Costia's pronouncements were true. This can't be happening. If signs were not so obvious, Costia was applying to several graduate schools abroad early this year. Costia belonged to a wealthy family of realtors and lived off her parents continued financial support. Lexa was turning into another conquest, the only problem was, she held on to Costia for so long, she didn't know how else to function when she left.

"I'm taking up father's offer; I'm leaving for Helsinki in two weeks. I received my acceptance letter for graduate school at Aalto University last week. I suppose, a new environment might be good for me. I am so sorry, Lexa but you need to let me go. Can't you see, I have done so much damage already? I can't hurt you any longer" After pacing around, Lexa was now contained on the couch with Costia hunched in front of her, both were crying now.

"When are you leaving, exactly?" Lexa conceded now; her voice soft and mellow, she has never felt so tired in her entire life. Costia's words hit her like a hurricane, destroying every single thing they built together.

"On Saturday by the end of the month but I'll be gone tomorrow."

The plane was already still, the "fasten your seat belt sign" went off, the aircraft was in equilibrium. Lexa shut her eyes to savor this peace, she should not be thinking about Costia again. This trip was about moving on from Costia and she should start working on that.


	6. Captive

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa begins her trip at the Vietnam's capital, Hanoi and strangely notices and meets a captivating stranger.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The number of days are indicated to emphasize time skips.

* * *

"Some people walk in the rain, others just get wet."

_Roger Miller_

* * *

Day 1: Hanoi, 2:35 PM

_It was quite warm but it was wet._ It was Lexa's first day out in Hanoi. The hostel that she was staying in was in Hanoi's Old Quarter, outside the streets were lined up with vendors who spread out their produce on low makeshift tables. Lexa was stirred by all the sights and sounds that enveloped her along the narrow lanes. She was so fascinated having to observe one vendor cut raw chicken meat along the road. Poultry innards were spread on the low table; gizzards, livers, cut pieces and other entrails were placed on separate piles along with duck meat. There was a certain order to how these animals parts were displayed so Lexa thought that it wasn't too morbid. Some people who were new to this sight might be grossed out about it but Lexa was nothing but immersed. She was carefully taking in all the sounds; the language that she could not decipher being spoken around her, the sound of motorcycles and the constant _chop chop_ of butchers and _swish swish_ of vendors washing bundles of vegetables. Fruit and vegetable peddlers wearing conical leaf hats lined the streets as well. Baskets containing vegetables such as chayote, spinach, and bamboo shoots were placed on the ground as the peddlers rested on low stools sipping tea. It was a typical scene that you will find in paintings and photographs of Vietnam. Lexa was so engrossed by the fact that the scenes portrayed in images of Vietnam decades ago are still very much present in the contemporary setting, probably just an addition of more motorcycles. The hustle and bustle of downtown Hanoi was like a postcard scene coming to life. The drizzle ceased moments ago, Lexa was amused by the rapid change of weather despite the fact that it was almost summer in Southeast Asia. Wearing a light windbreaker, quick-dry shorts and lightweight hiking shoes, Lexa set off to wander the marketplace. Looking for ripe mangoes, she found some of the most interestingly shaped tropical fruits as well. There was this flame shaped pink fruit called the dragonfruit, the hairy lychee locally called the _chom chom_ and a round purple fruit with hard skin but soft white flesh called the _mang cut_ or mangosteen. Most of the fruits that she sampled were citrusy, sour or sweet.

After venturing the market, Lexa reached the end of the street where she stumbled upon the oldest cathedral in the city, the Neo-Gothic cathedral of St. Joseph. The cathedral was built in 1886 modeled by the French after that of Notre Dame. Along the church's courtyard, Lexa noticed a number of visitors in a tour groups or travelers who were simply taking pictures. The square was quite busy, so Lexa wondered if she should take a small break from all the walking. Across the church was a quaint coffee shop called Cộng Cà Phê. Intrigued by its appearance, Lexa walks towards the café and is enthralled by the scent of freshly brewed coffee. Baristas wearing army green shirts greeted Lexa. Lexa ordered a cup of coffee with coconut milk, sensing that all the tables at the ground floor were occupied; she found her way ascending the upper floor. The walls of the landing were adorned with posters and other communist memorabilia. The place was pretty popular among the tourists and the young Vietnamese. Lexa found a small cozy corner with a low table and a big window facing the cathedral grounds; she took off her shoes entered the area with a low platform and sat crossed legged on the cushion provided. When her coffee arrived, Lexa took out her notebook and decided that this was the perfect spot to take in more of the city. She proceeded to record her day and took note of the most interesting spots. Usually, Lexa used to write stories outlining budget itineraries for backpackers digesting cities in two to three days. Her work entailed quick lists cramming in all sights and affordable travel tips in about a thousand words. But this time, she thought about taking it slow. She decided that she could probably outline reclusive corners were travelers may be able to connect with an unfamiliar culture at their own pace. After all, not all travelers are in a hurry, some travelers are not ready to go home right away; some travelers can afford to go slow.

Lexa continued to contemplate behind the big window, people continued to saunter around the cathedral's courtyard. This was the best vantage point to people-watch; it gave a good perspective of the city. At one point, in between her musings, Lexa noticed an unmoving figure at the square. Amidst the sea of people, it was quite easy to notice an inert female figure. She wore a black cut muscle tee, dark cargo shorts and boots; Lexa thought that her appearance made her look like a typical hipster backpacker. From afar, Lexa figured that she had blonde hair, despite the wetness of the pavement; she appears to be sitting at the middle of the walkway facing the church's façade. Lexa realized that the person happens to be sketching the church. A drawing pad was balanced on top of her lap, her backpack tossed to the side, her left arm continuously moved back and forth as she scribbled. From where she sat and with her back against the coffee shop, Lexa could not see the other person's face. Lexa was quite charmed by this stranger. Amidst all the movement around her, somehow, she has found a way to lurk inside her own bubble. Lexa also sort of envied this person for being an artist, Lexa thought that her musings would probably sound better if her words were side by side hand drawn illustrations of scenery rather than photographs. Not that her photographs can't be charming at times but there is something about quick hand-drawings of architecture and landscapes that captures the character of lethargic urban capes and country sides. Lexa thought about the coffee table books which she usually purchases during her travels; these were usually sketchbooks of artists who spent months or years immersed in certain locations. Lexa wondered if this stranger was one of those urban sketchers.

Lexa's wonderment was broken when a male figure suddenly approached the woman that she was observing. He crouched beside her for a while and she probably did some last touch-ups on her work. But after a short while, they both stood up and he took her backpack off the ground. As she stuffed her belongings inside the bag, they proceeded to walk hand and hand exiting the church grounds. At this point, Lexa had a glimpse of her stranger's face. Of course, it was not as clear as she was seated at the upper floor of the café, but what she saw somehow captured her attention. The stranger had a beautiful face; structured but soft, strong but delicate and serene yet poignant. These were the contrasting words that she uttered in her mind as she observed this stranger walk away with most probably her beau. As the muse of her thoughts continued to disappear across the street, Lexa struggled to memorize her features but little detail of her face may be observed from Lexa's point of view. Lexa craned her neck out of the window but her stranger slowly disappeared into a horizon of locals and tourists. Lexa had no choice but to get back to her coffee and her writing, hoping that the city may be too small enough for her to probably bump into that stranger again one of these days.

* * *

Day 4: Hanoi, 7:45 PM

Lexa was currently enjoying a bowl of beef noodle salad and a bottle of beer at the popular local eatery Bun Bo Nam Bo. When looking for a good place to eat for an adventurous palate, _go where the locals go._ This street food place only serves about two types of dishes; hence, the food is served fresh and quick. The eatery was typically busy at lunch and in the evening, it was not only popular amongst foreigners but this was a place where locals eat out with their family and friends as well. Lexa ate a hastily, observing that there was not much of a line because people simply ate and leave after a few moments. She had been having dinner here for several evenings now, well, she thought that she could probably eat here every day until she leaves Hanoi.

After finishing her meal and downing the rest of her beer, Lexa stood up to pay at the counter. More patrons started to arrive and Lexa felt that she should make way for them. While she was at the counter, she suddenly noticed a familiar blonde figure at the corner of her eye. At the table, sitting next to the counter, Lexa observed a couple chatting somewhat animatedly as they finished their own bowls of beef noodle salad and ice cold beers. Lexa's heart skipped, was she the blonde that she was observing at the courtyard a few days ago? Both the male and the female looked like typical backpackers, still in trainers, shorts and t-shirts; this must be the same couple at the cathedral. Lexa was not the type to pry, but what are the odds that she would see them again. So, as she fell in line at the cashier, she caught some parts of the couple's conversation since they were speaking in English and not any other foreign language.

"I don't know Bell, I feel like I'm a bit partied out. There are so many other interesting things in this city aside from the night life." The female said as she proceeded to take another mouthful of her food.

"C'mon Clarke, that's why I took this trip, I wanted to see the scene in different places." The male with a messy mop of hair, wearing a muscle-sleeved Sex Pistols t-shirt said as he took a swing of his beer.

"I'd like to visit some of the museums tomorrow; I'd like an early start. You can go without me tonight." The female probably named Clarke said.

"What? It's all the same old stuff, live a little." The man argued.

Lexa thought that this girl Clarke had a point; there was so much to learn about the history and culture of the Vietnamese from Hanoi. For the past couple of days, Lexa ventured into the city's various museums, the One-pillar Pagoda and Temple of Literature and Ho Chi Minh's Mausoleum. Probably, not all people are interested at the past of some regions, maybe the present captivates them more, Lexa thought. If this Clarke was indeed her "courtyard artist", then she might really be into historical sites rather than Hanoi's night life.

"My friend Bao's playing at this jazz bar tonight." The man continued.

"Well, you should go then, I can find my way back to the hotel." Clarke seemed upset.

Since she was so caught up eaves-dropping at their conversation, Lexa did not realize that the cashier was already catching her attention since she was already holding the line. Cut out from her daze and too embarrassed of the scenario, Lexa apologized profusely and finished her transaction. Without any reason to linger at the vicinity of the couple, Lexa exited the eatery without looking back, too anxious to find out if in some way, the couple might have noticed that she was watching them as they banter.

* * *

Day 6, Hanoi: 6:25 PM

Finally running out of things to do at the city, Lexa decided that she should go visit the Vietnamese country side. Since she was working on a more reclusive piece, she decided to skip the popular Ha Long Bay and considered its landmass counterpart, Tam Coc. So, tomorrow she's headed south of Hanoi to Ninh Binh to visit the rice paddies and the limestone elevations of Tam Coc. She's also excited about going biking at the countryside. This is indeed the change of scenery that she probably needs. Plus, she'll get to see the site of Vietnam's ancient capital Hoa Lu at Ninh Binh. Though not much of the capital is left, it was once compared to the ancient city of Angkor at its height. So, prior to going to Cambodia, Lexa plans to end her trip at the countryside.

However, Lexa had some interesting plans for her last night at Hanoi. As she was taking a stroll at Hoàn Kiếm Lake earlier, Lexa stumbled upon a small theater. As she got closer, she realized that this was no ordinary theater but it was a water-puppet theater. Too curious about what the show was about, she brought a ticket for the 7:00 PM show. Now, she stands in line as the audience is being directed inside the theater in a queue. Being ahead at the line, Lexa entered the theatre first, also with a dozen others. This was a popular activity amongst the tourists, so the theatre was a bit packed. The spectators had the liberty to select their own seats, so Lexa sat at the middle row to get a good view of the stage. The theatre was a bit aged and rustic and the seats were a bit traditional, the seats though not very relaxing, were not too uncomfortable either. Before the show began, Lexa struggled to read under the dim light, the English translation of the synopsis of each act from a pamphlet given to her. This gave her a clue that the show was probably entirely in Vietnamese. Since she was deeply immersed in her task, Lexa failed to notice a slender figure approaching the seat next to her.

"Excuse me, but is this seat taken?" asked a soft female voice.

"Go ahead…"was all Lexa said still deciphering the text she was reading.

"If you don't mind me asking, are you alone tonight? I guess, we're not allowed to speak during the show but I do appreciate the fact that I'm seated beside a person who speaks the same language that I do. Just so that I don't get into trouble by getting lost in translation." Due to her lengthy small talk, Lexa was prompted to look up.

Then it occurred to her, the stranger beside her was no other than the artist at the courtyard. Under the faint lighting, Lexa was absorbed into the most captivating set of blue eyes that she has ever encountered.

"Yes, I am. I've always been…" Lexa stuttered at a loss of words. She realized that her answer was not making any sense. "Sorry, yes I'm just by myself."

"Hah, you are a bit frank, frank but funny. I'm Clarke by the way." Lexa realized that she already knew her name a few days ago. She just hopes that Clarke did not notice her during the noodle shop incident.

"Lexa" Clarke extended her arm for a handshake and at the first point of contact; Lexa could not help but shudder at Clarke's touch. Just a few days ago, Clarke was some stranger from some scene, now it felt a bit surreal that they are seated beside each other and of all places, at a water-puppet theater.

"So Lexa, where are you from?" Clarke asked placing her arm at the armrest beside Lexa.

"Well, I'm from the States and I live at a city called Polis." Lexa replied.

"No way! I'm from Arkadia that's just a few minutes from Polis. This is quite bizarre don't you think?" Clarke exclaimed.

Then before Lexa could even answer, the lights got dimmer; everyone else was at a level of silence after that. The sound of a string instrument started to reverberate across the hall and a male voice started to eerily chant from the stage.

"The show is starting, but this is still so strange for me. Let's watch the show for now but let's talk after." Clarke leaned in and whispered to Lexa's ear.

Too frozen to move because of Clarke's proximity, Lexa simply nodded and placed her full attention to the show. But as she diverted her interest, all Lexa can think about was that Clarke smelled nice despite the humid weather outside.

* * *

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa have finally met, please note that this is a multi-chapter fic that I have plans of completing. The next few chapters will focus on Clexa but other characters will be introduced slowly.
> 
> Some places in this fic are actual regions and places that I may or may not have visited. I do not endorse nor I am paid to name some places but some names both historical and commercial were and will be mentioned to give you a clearer mood of the settings. Again, I do not own any of The 100 characters. Thank you for reading and a review will be greatly appreciated, so let me know what you think.


	7. Madcap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke share an evening together, then made some spontaneous decisions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's another update, sorry it took me a bit of time to realize where this story is headed. Don't worry, I already worked out a storyline but I kinda have a habit of second guessing myself as I continually get ideas while taking a walk or a shower. Anyway, thank you for reading and let me know what you think.

 

* * *

"Let's never come here again because it would never be as much fun."

_Charlotte, Lost in Translation_

* * *

"I loved it, even if I did not understand a thing!" Clarke exclaimed as they exited the theatre.

The lobby was almost empty now, except for a few other tourists taking photographs whilst a group crowds around the souvenir shop to buy water puppet memorabilia.

"But surely you got some parts, like I saw you laugh and cry a bit at the end." Lexa teased.

"I didn't really understand the words but somehow I felt how the moods changed through the music." Clarke stated as they slowly walked around the lobby.

"Yeah, the melodies were very moving and the singers and the ensemble were great!" Lexa acknowledged. "Even without understanding their language, I get the feeling that I got the message." Lexa added.

"I'm glad I went." Clarke declared, she was not aware that she was intently looking at Lexa's face. She was able to properly see Lexa's features now, her strong jaw line, her full lips and her emerald green eyes. Clarke realized that she has never looked intently at anyone at this level, not even at Murphy in the past. Talking to Lexa felt natural, it was unprompted but quite necessary, Clarke could not really pinpoint how she felt around this stranger.

As Clarke was deep in thought, she realized that Lexa was already falling in line at the souvenir counter. As soon as she was done with her transaction, Lexa hurriedly walked back to where Clarke was standing. She was already carrying two paper bags with her right hand.

"And this one is for you!" Lexa handed a paper bag to Clarke.

Clarke opened it halfway, as she peeked into the bag, she grasped as she realized that Lexa went to get her a souvenir. It was a miniature wooden water puppet, it was a female figure clad in red which looked exactly like one of the characters from the show.

"Thanks for sharing this experience with me." Lexa said timidly. "The other one is for my parents; I would usually get something for them when I travel. Mom turned her study into a mini-museum; she placed all the stuff I brought back in a shelf. All the objects were labeled based on place of origin and dates."

"Oh wow! Thanks, Lexa, now, I think I should apologized for being such a nuisance to you this evening." Clarke placed her hand on Lexa's arm, she felt Lexa jerk a bit under her gesture.

"Believe me, I had a great time, I probably needed company anyway. I don't usually make a lot of friends when I travel, unless I'm interviewing them." Lexa decided to slid her hand inside her pocket whilst her other hand held on to the paper bag with the water puppet.

"So, you do travel a lot? This is actually my first time to go to a country without any known relatives staying here." Clarke held on to Lexa's arm as if it was the most natural thing to do as they continued to walk.

"My work demands that I travel, I compose articles for Polis Travel and Living Magazine." Lexa said trying to avoid Clarke's gaze, she wasn't sure about how she felt about the signals Clarke was sending at that moment.

"Damn, do you go by Alexandria Woods?" Clarke suddenly paused with her realization.

"Yes, one and the same." Lexa admitted and wondered how Clarke knew her full name.

"Oh gosh, what are the chances! My step-father has a PTL Magazine subscription; we go through your articles at breakfast. We always try to plan to go somewhere as a family, but with my mom's work, travelling was hardly possible. She was a doctor." Clarke recalled one of her carefree moments with Marcus.

"Was?" Lexa caught that detail.

"She passed, lung cancer…long story…forget about it. I might just dampen the mood. I'm been working hard in getting used to not having her around" Clarke said dejectedly.

"For whatever it's worth, I'm really sorry, Clarke…?" Lexa realized that she did not know Clarke's last name.

"…Griffin." Clarke was quick to answer.

"I hope things start to get better for you soon" Lexa then realized that somehow, she has moved a bit closer to Clarke. Too close for her to actually take in how blue Clarke's eyes were.

"Anyway, we can probably discuss my tragedy some other night," Clarke tried to change the topic abruptly, trying to make their sudden closeness seem a little less awkward. "So, if I'm here for leisure, are you here for work then?"

"Hmm, something in between, I'm actually on sabbatical, but my editor wanted to make this trip worth her while." Lexa intentionally left out the real reason why she was on sabbatical, she hoped that Clarke would not bother to notice that detail.

"Having a boss must really suck." Clarke chuckled.

"You don't have a boss?" Lexa asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Nada, well, I work for myself, not unless I get commissions. I meddle with some painting, graphic design and advertising. But currently, I think I'm on something like a sabbatical as well" Clarke explained.

"Well then Clarke Griffin, do you have further plans for tonight?" Lexa was fishing for information; she knew that she saw Clarke with some guy a few days ago. Maybe Clarke would tell her about it but she needs to pretend for a while. It would be so weird to reveal that she has noticed Clarke at the cathedral's courtyard a few days ago and has bumped into her several times already; Clarke might take her as the stalker-type.

"Well, I'm actually here with someone but that person is preoccupied with something else as of the moment" Clarke thought of how appalling this trip with Bellamy had turned out. He actually did not care that they did not enjoy doing the same things together. He was always looking for some friend at some bar and listening to some new homegrown band.

Lexa noticed that they were the only ones left at the lobby now. All the spectators of the next show had entered the theatre already.

"Well then, if it's not too weird, would you like to venture Hanoi's Night Market with me?" Lexa extended her arm as a gesture of invitation; she did not know how Clarke would react to spending more time with a stranger. Since Clarke did the first move at the theatre a while ago, probably she was indeed looking for some company, Lexa hoped for the best.

"I thought you'd never ask, between us, this has been the most comprehensible thing to me all evening" and with that Clarke hooked her arm to Lexa's once again and they both headed out into the night.

* * *

"I have never eaten so much vegetables and noodles in my entire life" Clarke recollected her experience the preceding night when she had dinner alone at a secluded restaurant where she had unlimited noodles, vegetables and fish. "You see, not all tourists knew about the place, a friend who stayed here for a while told me. But this place was popular amongst the locals."

Since last night, Clarke has taken the liberty to go to the places that piqued her interest. After spending nights meeting friends and experiencing the local music scene, Bellamy was always having forty winks at daytime. Clarke got tired of following him around, so she went on her own, walking to historical sites and museums at the morning and venturing out to nearby locations at night. They struggled for a while before they finally decided that they could do whatever they wanted to make this trip worthwhile for both parties. It was suddenly becoming more evident to Clarke that she and Bellamy were totally different people. She thought that Bellamy was the person who could make her feel again. Though admittedly, most of what was between them was evidently physical but with this stranger- Lexa, it felt like an immediate connection- something poignant or even spiritual at some point.

"Are you okay?" Lexa asked in between sips of her beer, realizing that Clarke suddenly spaced out.

They were seated on low stools outside a local pub near the night market. Throngs and throngs of tourists continued to arrive as they went deeper into the night. This side of Hanoi was still very lively.

"Sorry, I just thought of something, it's nothing important. Anyway, how are you enjoying so far?" Clarke inquired.

"I think I have been here long enough already. I'm seeing the countryside tomorrow; I'm going to Tam Coc to see the rice paddies." Lexa shared and she could not help but notice Clarke's sudden frown.

"You're leaving already?"  _Just when I was starting to enjoy my time with you,_ Clarke thought to herself.

"More like moving on with my journey" Lexa scoffed.

"Hah! Journey- sometimes you can be a bit too subterranean for me" Clarke laughed at her realization on how otherworldly Lexa sounded.

"Journey- haha- actually, I never really liked the sound of that word, come to think of it" Lexa laughed, thinking about how lame she sounded. "What I meant is that I still plan to see Siem Reap and then visit a friend in Bangkok in the next few weeks" Lexa clarified.

"And you are doing all this on your own?" Clarke tried to sound being quite impressed with Lexa's plans.

She has heard about people going backpacking to different parts of the world on their own but she has never actually imagined if she could do it on her own. She thought about travelling alone but she decided to go with Bellamy because she felt that it was safer- Clarke always wanted "safe" with the high that she got from her tumultuous relationship with Murphy, she promised herself that she would always think twice about subjecting herself to some kind of whirlwind once again. However, Bellamy was another act of impulse and she knew that she should try harder in working against her instincts.

"Yeah, in Steinbeck's words 'in utter loneliness a writer tries to explain the inexplicable'. With what happened in my life, I probably need to clear my head to make sure I figure out where I'm headed. Plus, you should always try travelling alone before you turn 30" Lexa explained, taking another sip from her beer.

"Oh my gosh, I think it's something like someone I knew would say" She also noted that she should find out about what happened to Lexa in the past but probably, this was not the most opportune moment since they had just met. At some point, Clarke felt like she was talking to Murphy. He always managed to be so philosophical and articulate when presented with the most mundane things in life. Citing what people said, sharing excerpts from the things he read- possibly, Lexa is a bit like that too.

"About Steinbeck?" Lexa joked.

"No silly, about traveling alone and being by myself for a while" Clarke chuckled.

"Well, it's something my dad said, not my original words" Lexa expounded.

"You're really big at quoting people, you'll make a good writer" Clarke bantered back sarcastically. "Come to think of it, I was never really totally alone at some point in my life; my mom was there, my stepdad, John…" Clarke suddenly stopped at the thought of Murphy.

"John? Friend? Brother? Boyfriend?" Lexa really wanted to find out if Clarke was referring to the guy she was with earlier.

"Can I say all of the above?" Clarke realized that Murphy was all of these to her.

"Well, can I say you're lucky to have him" Lexa said innocently.

"Yeah, I was…" Clarke started to fidget.

"What do you mean?" Lexa gave Clarke a concerned look.

"I lost him a few years back, car accident" Clarke did not want to bother to expose everything to Lexa, not just yet.

"I'm sorry…" Lexa felt like shit, if she thought she was undergoing some misery with what happened with Costia, Clarke was probably undergoing something worse.

"Can we stop being sorry for me? I just knew you for like a few hours and here I am suddenly unloading all of these to you…" Clarke tried to hold back her tears as she laughed trying to make the situation less awkward for Lexa.

"Don't worry about it, after all, I'm still a bit of a stranger. If you change your mind, you can still lose me in this crowd" Lexa attempted to slice through the thick air between them. Still, Clarke has not shared about who she was with previously.

"Actually, that sounds like a good option since you already know so much about me" Clarke beamed in between some nervous laughter.

Without any thought, Lexa did not realize that they were moving closer towards each other and suddenly she was reaching for both of Clarke's hands across the table. Lexa could not tell whether it was the liquor consumption or the spontaneity of the moment that had prompted her to be more forward. But for some reason, Lexa held both of Clarke's palms in her hands and they were silent for a while. The moment was not awkward at all, despite Clarke's clammy hands on Lexa's trembling fingers.

There's something auspicious about meeting a kindred soul for the first time. It seems like everything else makes sense, everything else connects. For the longest time, human beings tried to figure out telekinesis but what if this phenomenon was not simply cerebral. How can we explain having to relate to someone else's pain? To identify with someone else's loneliness? Is this simply experiential? Our souls seem to move around a rhythmic pattern of elation and sorrow; tumbling upon the turning of the tides and suddenly at one point in this endless cycle, we just meet. We bump into each other, carrying the same energy, giving and receiving, wading and moving. At that very moment, without any words between them, this was what Lexa felt. They were in some unexplainable instance in their lives, knowing that they needed to keep on moving at some point- she just thinks of staying. Freezing that moment, with Clarke's hands on my own, as they reel themselves into this unknown connection.

"I'll be on my way tomorrow" Lexa thought, then without caution, she blurted out "For some strange purpose and without any context at all, would you like to join me?"


	8. Amendment

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke travel to north of Vietnam together and discover more about each other.

* * *

"Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So, anyone who's in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It's like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven't seen in a long time."

_Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore_

* * *

As Clarke slowly opens her eyes, the soft warmth of the late afternoon sun slightly hits Clarke's face and it has painted her cheeks with delicate tinge of pink. She lifts her sunglasses to carefully sit up from her laying position at the hull of the boat. She has never felt this kind of warmth in years; the scent of her mother's casserole during family dinners, the comfort of her bedroom late in the afternoon when she does her homework, Murphy's gentle kiss on her forehead; this sensation has escaped her a long time ago. The coolness of the surroundings brought about by the shadows of the trees and the cliffs calms her being. The river and the forest seem to hum a symphony that only silence can amplify. The tourist huts along the watercourse appear abandoned in the afternoon with the exception of a few sightseers seated on wooden recliners basking under the sun enjoying a book or a cocktail. A clutter of kittens chase each other at the edge of the riverbank while their queen lazily lounges nearby. The sound of the water courses through her entire body as the boatwoman from behind chats inaudibly with another boatwoman from a nearby wooden boat. She observes that both boatwomen were reclined at the rear seats of the boats, their backs relaxed and their legs propped up as they used their feet to maneuver the wooden rows. The riverboats had no rudders or outriggers unlike other Southeast Asian fishing boats; these boats simply looked like canoes. Therefore, any drastic movement can cause the boat to shake or tip off balance, but they traversed the river slowly and leisurely.

"It's beautiful isn't it" Clarke softly utters as she turns around to gaze at Lexa. She realized that she was not only referring to the scene in front of her but also at something else. Lexa was peacefully seated at the center of the boat; she was sensibly taking in all the sights before them.

"Yeah, something like an ink brush landscape painting" Lexa was talking about the terrain of Tam Cốc. The general topography of Tam Cốc is was named after the three prominent caves in the area. The jagged limestone cliffs, the haphazard outlines of its vegetation, the random huts and the busy waterside all made up the usual elements of a landscape painting. The shallow parts of the riverbanks were turned into rice paddies, during harvest season, the rice stalks would turn into a golden shade of yellow which would give the scenery a different backdrop. Lexa took a few snapshots of the panorama in front of her and then of Clarke who looked ethereal as the sunset hits her wispy blonde locks.

"See something you like?" Clarke joked as she returned to her lounged position at the hull.

"Yeah" Lexa replied as she continued to busy herself with her camera pretending that she was taking more photographs of the landscape whereas, she was simply looking at an image of Clarke in the camera's LCD screen.

* * *

"The countryside is really charming don't you think" Clarke exclaimed as she and Lexa traversed a rocky trail around a small village where you can find ragged mountains and a vastness of rice paddies across the horizon. This area was just a few meters away from the Tam Cốc wharf. For the remainder of the day, they decided to rent some bicycles and relish the scenes nearby.

"Definitely, oh, can we stop here?" Lexa asked realizing that the sun was about to set.

Lexa and Clarke rested at a curb along the trail, several other bikers moved past them. Lexa went about the take a series of photographs capturing the sunset. Clarke remained near the bikes, quietly observing Lexa from afar.

"Lexa, I never did properly ask you. Is there any other reason why you're taking this sabbatical?" Clarke inquired from afar.

Lexa suddenly went still and proceeded to retreat towards Clarke.

"Well, realistically, I needed rest" Lexa paused for a while, contemplating on whether she would actually tell Clarke the real reason behind her sabbatical. "However…genuinely, I was broken-hearted" Lexa decided to keep some things vague.

"And how are you managing so far?" Lexa was surprised with Clarke's no-nonsense response.

"I'm working on the idea of being alone"

"So, I guess, I'm not really helping you, am I?"

"In a way you are."

"In what way? I remember pestering you that night at the theatre and then spontaneously tagging along this trip."

"Alone doesn't necessarily mean lonely, Clarke."

"I don't understand."

"When I was with someone, I never spoke my mind directly, I never said things at the right moment, I never really heard from myself really. All my decisions were based on what she thought, her preferences, her values; I was so keen in keeping up with her. I thought being in a relationship would mean that you are a single unit, that a united front was very important. I supported her in everything, I never reasoned, I just forced myself to understand. That's when I lost my individuality, so yeah, I'm working on being alone".

"Her?" Clarke emphasized.

"After everything I said that's all you absorbed?" Lexa realized that she suddenly outed herself to Clarke, there was no going back now. "Yes, her name was Costia."

There was a pregnant pause and Lexa feared that by divulging her sexuality, Clarke might have a new perspective on their budding friendship.

"You are very interesting Alexandria Woods" Clarke beamed.

Lexa took that as a positive response, well, vague but positive.

"So where is she now?" Clarke asked.

"In some university in Helsinki, her family's funding her graduate studies" Lexa replied as she retrieved her bicycle, motioning Clarke that it was getting dark and they needed to start heading back towards the bus station.

"So, she left you for a degree then?"

"Well, that and then she also cheated on me before she left". With that Lexa began to bike back, not really giving Clarke the chance to react to what she just shared.

* * *

"And he decides to meet us for dinner" Clarke declares as she fumbled with her phone on the bus ride from Ninh Binh to Hanoi.

Lexa originally thought of spending a few nights at the north of Vietnam but decided to take a day trip instead when Clarke tagged along. She felt like she couldn't spend a night alone with this stranger yet, yes, at this point she still considered Clarke as a stranger, an elusive one at that. So, she offered to accompany Clarke back to Hanoi before she heads out to Cambodia the following day. They are now currently, seated in a bus traveling back to Hanoi with Lexa occupying the window seat and Clarke seated near the aisle.

"Who's he?" Lexa is still in the dark when it comes to Clarke's traveling companion.

"Sorry, I did not mean to leave out this part but I'm just really pissed off right now and I wanted to forget about him for a while" Clarke explained. "You see, I did not really intend to go on this trip. I kinda decided to go with my boyfriend on a whim" Clarke continued.

"Boyfriend…" Finally, Clarke has actually confirmed who she was with. At some point, Lexa already knew this was coming, she first saw Clarke with some guy at the courtyard and at the eatery. Somehow, all her fantasies about a spur-of-the-moment meet-cute with the elusive Clarke Griffin has all gone down to the drain.  _Well, what do you expect Lexa, this is not some kind of a "Before Sunrise" rom-com where you suddenly convince the girl to wander happily ever after with you._ Lexa also contemplated with the fact that most probably, having mentioned an ex-boyfriend and a current boyfriend, Clarke Griffin is most probably straight as a stick insect.

"His name's Bellamy, he's currently a bartender but I suppose he's really more of a musician. Well, he had these plans to go backpacking across Southeast Asia, I had nothing better to do back home so I went with him. But I don't know now, we are kind of in a break. We've been fighting about everything since we got here. He wanted to do certain things, I wanted to do different things. Maybe we should not have gotten together in the first place" Clarke continued to explain as she furiously typed a reply to Bellamy on her phone.

Lexa remained silent, quietly contemplating on her current predicament with Clarke. Her instincts would tell her to stick around and get to know Clarke more and realize that maybe this is in fact some romantic "how we met" story that they would tell their grandchildren one day. But reason tells her that she should not succumb into another problematic scene without even having to get over Costia in the first place.

"I'm sorry, I feel like I kinda ruined this short side trip for you" Clarke apologized, hiding her phone in her pocket and finally, slumping back to her seat.

Lexa continued to look outside the window, the landscape fading fast into blurry lines as the bus continues to travel. Then, she felt a warm touch on her shoulder, she gathered that Clarke was a tactile person. Despite being new acquaintances, she communicates with Lexa through touch.

"It's okay, I enjoyed your company. I just hope you get to sort things out with him soon" Lexa responded but she did not realize that as she diverted her gaze towards Clarke, Clarke has moved closer towards her and their faces were now but a few inches apart.

"You know what, I have this urge that I could tell you everything Lexa Woods. That somehow, at some point, in the shortness of the time that I got to know you, you will always be able to relate with my thoughts…my feelings" Clarke whispered.

"I wouldn't be sharing this bus ride with you if I haven't felt the same way" Lexa murmured.

Silence shrouded both women for some time, blue eyes profoundly submerged into green ones. Lexa reminded herself that connections with other people are not merely physical or logical, it can be spiritual as well. But this was not like her other friendships; talking to Clarke was not similar to talking to Titus or Anya. Of course, she would spend entire evenings drunk and alone with Titus on his couch, picking his brain or discussing sexual and emotional encounters at random. Or being seated at an almost empty coffee shop with Anya all afternoon, talking about politics and life's philosophical and romantic virtues. This was not anything like what she had with Costia either; yes, she was immersed into Costia's mind (and other parts of her body) for a certain period of time. But having Clarke seated beside her felt like she was in the right place, that she belonged there. She was having this out of body experience where she was staring back at her and Clarke's figures, seated in a bus, the moment unfolding before her.

"Lexa, will you join us for dinner?" Lexa realized that it was already the second time that Clarke asked the question. Momentarily, she was deeply absorbed in her trance.

"I suppose, I should meet him then" Lexa replied.

"Thank you" With that Clarke positioned her head on Lexa's shoulder and Lexa did not bother to move for the nest hour of their bus trip until they reached Hanoi.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, I have posted two chapters today to compensate for my irregular updates. This is a slow burn, so please let me know if you already find it a bit dragging since I intended for it to be that way.


	9. Omission

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa meets Bellamy and Clarke makes an interesting decision involving Lexa.

 

* * *

Omission, _noun_

“the act of not including something or someone that should have been included, or something or someone that has not been included that should have been”

_Cambridge Dictionary_

* * *

 

He never stops talking. It was Lexa’s seventh beer, in dog beers, she deems that she has only had one. Despite the attempt to bury her annoyance in drunkenness, this Bellamy Blake has managed to deter any lethargic effect that the alcohol might induce. Shortly after she and Clarke have dropped her belongings at Lexa’s hotel in Hanoi, they went to a nearby pho restaurant at the Old Quarter to meet Clarke’s boyfriend. The term ‘boyfriend’ stung Lexa’s tongue, what kind of bloke would allow his girlfriend to wander alone with strangers if they were on a trip together? Surely, Bellamy seemed to look attention-grabbing at first. The semi-tanned complexion, the mop of curly hair, the trekking shorts, the loose tank top, the circle beard, and the muscular arms; all of these projected ‘exploit’. He seemed so clever with his small talk about how to prepare the ‘best coffee’, so carefree with his concept of ‘travelling light’ and most of all presumably talented with all the ‘jazz is the coolest’ talk. He went on and on about why he chose to take up whatever he felt like because of his nihilist beliefs; his realization that dropping out from college was the best decision ever because apparently ‘the world is the best teacher’ and that people should appreciate the ‘natural flow’ of things. On their fourth round of beers; Bellamy commented on how Clarke should loosen up a bit because she seemed to be too uptight for an artist, always planning, always projecting. Bellamy even claimed that he was possibly the best thing that has happened to Clarke recently because he made her more spontaneous. At this very moment, he was showing off an image of a traditional tattoo that his friend got from his phone to Lexa.

“So Pike says that he went up to some village in the northern part of the Philippines. There’s like this national treasure of a lady there who is the last remaining tattoo artist of this tradition, you see. He said you’ll spend days there until she decides that you’re worthy enough to get inked” Bellamy swipes across his phone showing various images of his friend’s tattoo to Lexa.

“So you have plans of going there?” Lexa asked nonchalantly.

“Well, it’s very close, we can drop by. Pike says she uses some spike from a tropical fruit for a needle and then some natural pigment, charcoal possibly. Plus, she doesn’t ink in other forms but these tribal figures of her choosing. Also, Pike says she’s like ancient, so maybe I should do this, getting inked from her will turn into some kind of artifact right, babe? Then I can donate my body to some museum when I die, now that’s legendary!” Bellamy was elbowing Clarke who was seated beside him. Clarke remained silent throughout the entire time, looking a bit embarrassed but Bellamy kept droning on and on.

Lexa was observing Clarke across the table. Ever since they were seated, Bellamy started to monopolize the entire exchange. He did not bother to ask much about Lexa or shared anything about Clarke either, except to mock her sometimes.

“Let me see, let’s try to find out about this tat artist…” Bellamy started to open a search engine in his phone.

Lexa cringed at Bellamy’s attempt to endorse his new age coolness. Lexa had nothing against what she understood as the hipster subculture. She was sometimes a hipster herself; her inclination towards organic foods and indie rock but this Bellamy was such a cliché at this day and age. In the 1900s, “hip” was synonymous for those who were “in the know” especially in the jazz scene but this guy was borderline obnoxious to Lexa. His carefree demeanor, his style, his know-it-all smugness; he was the epitome of “trying so damn hard”. He makes sure that everyday word that comes out of his mouth is nothing but highfalutin. Lexa knew these types, they take the conversation in the most pretentious way possible and when you just not into it, you end up being the labelled as a ‘snob’. ‘What? Not too high-brow for your taste? Why are you too uptight, Lexa?’ Lexa recalled the last encounter she had with a douche like Bellamy in one of Costia’s parties.  But she has had enough of Bellamy.

“Actually, a lot of teams and individuals have written stories about Apo Whang-Od as they call her of Fang-Od to the locals. If I remember correctly, tattooing was sacred to her people, maybe some time in the 16th century, it was recorded that tattooing was some kind of a status symbol to several Southeast Asian communities. She’s actually one of the oldest _mambabatoks_ as they call the ritual tattoo artists of the Butbut tribe in Kalinga in the Philippines. A New York Times article says that she’s estimated to be over a hundred years old by now” Lexa stated in one breath. As a travel writer, she would often read articles about noteworthy subjects all over the world. She remembers this artist’s story when she had to do some research on Southeast Asia tattoo traditions for an article. If there was one thing that she got from all that research, was that she felt bad for Fang-Od and her hamlet in the Philippines. Fang-Od might be so tired of meeting lads like Bellamy, followers of some hipster fads having seemingly less regard for the actual value of certain crafts and practices.

“Traditionally, women in the Butbut community view these ritual tattoos as aesthetic accessories. The men on the other hand, would earn their tattoos from their killing as reward after settling disputes. She may be the only one left alive keeping the old form but she’s actually training several others including her niece”. Lexa went on, Bellamy was dumbfounded at this point. Realizing that Lexa was able to share more knowledge than Pike, who actually went there.

“Have you been there? You seem to know so much” Bellamy challenged with a sneer.

Lexa told herself that she had nothing to prove to blokes like Bellamy but this seemed like a perfect opportunity to show off at some point. She was called out to be a show-off when it comes to her knowledge of both significant and trivial things. She was even called conceited by Anya at some point claiming that she can be a bit over the top and indeed high-brow but Lexa only saw this as flattery. After all, it was her job as writer to learn and share information. Her drunken state somehow triggered her competitive nature especially with Clarke looking on. Clarke was silent for most of the time, she was probably a bit too preoccupied in discerning the built-up tension between Lexa and Bellamy. So, Lexa turned around towards Clarke and Bellamy’s direction, pulled down the collar of her t-shirt to show her nape revealing a tattoo of a conventionalized form of a serpent eagle.

“Fang-Od says it’s a serpent eagle” Lexa shared.

“What does it mean?” With her back turned she suddenly realized that the question came from Clarke.

“It means freedom through bravery” Lexa answered softly.

“Can I touch it?” Lexa felt Clarke get up from her seat.

“Sure, go ahead” Lexa replied. At this moment, she felt Clarke’s soft touch, carefully maneuvering a finger tracing her tattoo like she was reading brail.

“It’s beautiful” Clarke whispered. 

Lexa felt fluttering butterflies inside her stomach as Clarke continued to trace her tattoo. At this moment, it felt like any displeasure that she had with her interaction with Bellamy disappeared. She focused on Clarke’s touch, _they were having a moment._  

“Gosh, that must hurt” And in the middle of her trance, Bellamy’s annoying voice resurfaced. Lexa felt Clarke jolt into consciousness and hastily retreated to her seat beside Bellamy.

“I had a fever right after but I survived. Nothing you can’t endure, right?” Lexa turned towards the couple across her.

“Yeah, you now have my respect dear omniscient Lexa! Cheers to that!” Bellamy lifted his beer as a gesture but Lexa noted the hint of sarcasm in his words. _Really, this guy will never back down in this situation,_ she thought to herself. “Say what Clarkey, we should head to the Philippines then and I should earn my bounty for my killing! Looks could kill, right? Hah!” Bellamy started to laugh at his own joke

“You should do it for the right reasons Bell, it’s sacred to some people” Clarke cautioned.

At that moment, Lexa recalled the moment when she got her tattoo. She was in fact sent to the north of Philippines to work on an article about bed and breakfasts in the form of traditional stilt houses. Initially, she was not up for the job because she was still mourning the death of her grandmother. Her grandmother helped her during the hardest times. Lexa saw the early signs of her homosexuality when she was still in middle school. When her best friend Zoe left to move to a different country, Lexa realized that Zoe felt like more than just a friend to her. She was often bullied due to her boyish or less feminine ways and actions. The bullying never stopped until high school. When she met Titus, she saw a kindred soul, she saw support apart from her family. But during these times, more than her parents support, her grandmother would tell her stories about bravery and honesty to one’s self. Her grandmother though cryptic in her words was somehow explaining the nature of things to Lexa, telling her that the world can be cruel at times but if she’s brave enough, she’ll find freedom. So, when Apo Fang-Od told her what the serpent eagle meant, she felt like her grandmother was speaking to her once more.

Clarke and Bellamy continued to converse in front of Lexa but she was not able to fully absorb what they were talking about on behalf of her contemplation.

“What do you mean you’re going to Cambodia?” Bellamy’s voice suddenly broke into Lexa’s thoughts.

“Lexa’s going, I haven’t been there. I think I want to see Angkor Wat.” Clarke disclosed.

“So you’ve made a decision without me?” Bellamy probed, his eyes were fixed on Clarke.

“We’ve been doing a lot of things separately in this trip Bell. Haven’t you said that in order for us to enjoy this trip we should do whatever we want and not to get pressured of what the other wants? Well, I’m really not into hopping around the music scene, I’m in this region for the first time and I want to see as much as I can.” Clarke reminded Bellamy of his previous attitude just a few days ago.

At this point, Lexa wanted to leave, it felt like she was intruding in a private conversation. There was a pregnant pause between Clarke and Bellamy and Bellamy was looking back and forth between Clarke and Lexa.

“Okay then, promise me you’ll keep her safe” Bellamy was now addressing this to Lexa.

Lexa was still a bit confused with what was going on, she caught Clarke’s baby blue eyes with her own emerald greens.

“I’ve decided to join you to Cambodia, if it’s okay?” Clarke’s expression was calmer now, her stare almost felt like she was pleading.

Lexa’s throat went dry; she has indeed set her mind in taking this trip alone. She has in fact met Clarke in a chance encounter, she does not know anything about these two strangers. She has heard about stories of foreigners seducing lone travelers and eventually end up earning their trust and taking all their money or tricking them into human or drug trafficking. There was so much at stake for Lexa, so much doubt, the most logical decision for her now is to walk away and leave this twosome alone to deal with their own issues. If only Titus was here to talk some sense into her. But she was not naïve, she has travelled the world and encountered a lot of people. Aside from this, she does not want to go in between the business of this couple.  Except, there’s something about Clarke that pulls her. Her instinct tells her that she should stick around for this girl. If Bellamy was not in the picture, she could have drove into the sunset with Clarke in a heartbeat.

Lexa realized that Clarke was still waiting for her answer. “Well…why not? If Bellamy doesn’t mind, then I suppose I won’t mind” Lexa felt like her words betrayed her thoughts.

Clarke beamed at her and Lexa felt her heart drop for a second. In Bellamy’s obliviousness, Clarke mouthed a “thank you” to Lexa.

“Alright, it’s as if you won’t be hard to find if something happens to Clarke, Ms. Woods. That’s settled then, so a ticket to Manila for me and then a ticket to Siem Reap for you. A tattoo for me and the ruins for you” was all Bellamy could say to Clarke in the end.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, I have nothing against the hipster culture in general but I just thought it would be interesting for Bellamy's AU character to have some glaring contrast with Lexa's. Also, I am not really into the Bellarke concept, I felt like I haven't forgiven Bellamy yet for the death of all those grounders including Lincoln's, so here's Bellamy in my AU. Once again, thank you for reading.


	10. Still

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa get to know each other better and fall into a deeper realm of uncertainty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, here's a rather long chapter from me since it took some time for me to update, I hope you'll enjoy this entry.

* * *

 

Placid, _adjective_

“Sometimes I love it when we just lie on our backs, gaze off, stay still”

_David Levithan, The Lover’s Dictionary, p. 160_

* * *

 

If Hanoi was rainy and humid, no one ever told Clarke and Lexa that Siem Reap was scorching hot at this time. Well, it was to be expected of Southeast Asian regions at most times of the year, the weather would be sunny and then half of the year it would be rainy with some typhoons passing by. But since Lexa and Clarke arrived at Siem Reap, it was brilliantly sunny in the morning and extremely blistering at noon and sometimes it would rain in the afternoon. In this case, Lexa often found Clarke pondering hard on what to wear. The duo got a room in a small cozy hotel, the place looked new, it was modern but nonetheless smaller compared to the other guesthouses and boutique hotels in the area. Lexa simply upgraded her single room to a twin bed room to accommodate Clarke. The hotel was located a few blocks away from Pub street were most of the tourists would flock, Lexa found this new tiny hotel in a more secluded street; it was close to a local folk theater where Apsara dance performances were scheduled almost nightly. The hotel and the theater were the most prominent structures in the area, the rest of the street were for residential use.

Lexa convinced Clarke to rent a bike even if Clarke told her that she was not at her fittest shape. Clarke worried about getting tired easily especially if they needed to bike over rough roads as they went around to see the temples and other sites but Lexa proved that it was the most efficient way to go around aside from hiring a _tuktuk_ like the one that they rode from the airport _._ The _tuktuk_ was an auto rickshaw used by most tourists to go around the site but since they were in no hurry, biking would just give them the right pace. Clarke was pleased that biking with Lexa was not so challenging as she thought, Lexa would take a breather when Clarke moved too slow or she would ask Clarke to take the lead just so they would end up with the same pace. Clarke felt that Lexa was indeed a sensitive person, she need not say anything but Lexa would simply ask if she was ‘okay’, move in slower strides as they went around or would further explain things if Clarke was too confused in interpreting the figures on the temple walls.

The sun was high up and Clarke and Lexa found themselves mulling over the structure that was known as “The Bayon” in the Angkor Thom capital. It was their third day at Siem Reap and second day around the Angkor Wat complex. At first, Clarke was captivated with the massiveness of the entryways and other minor temples. After a day, she was used to the humidity, the dust and the hustle and bustle of hundreds of tour groups around them. During their first day, they went straight to the Angkor Wat. With a few books about the art and architecture of Cambodia, Lexa attempted to expound some concepts to Clarke based on her readings. But Clarke had a different idea in mind. Upon observing that there was typically more or less a dozen of tour groups in one area at a time, Clarke managed to drag Lexa to move closer to the tour groups and pretend to blend in as they listened to the anecdotes being shared by the guides. They continued to do this as they went around, discreetly moving close to tour groups once they hear that the guide was discussing in English. Their first day moved rather fast, bouncing around the highly visited areas of the complex. However, for their second day, they decided to move at their own pace, realizing that they had enough time and need not hurry. Clarke was deeply interested in the mysticism that each ruin held, so she has decided to do some sketching while Lexa conspicuously went around snapping photographs of every gateway, tower, bas-relief or piece of stone.

Seated on a shaded area at the foot of The Bayon, Clarke busied herself with her sketchbook. The Bayon in Angkor Thom was considered to be one of the most baffling sites in the area. Though it has gone several reconstructions in the 12th to the 13th centuries, Angkor Thom was well-thought-out to be the “great city” during the rise of Buddhism in the time of the king, Jayavarman VII. Clarke furiously moved her pencil on her sketchbook focusing on one of the towers of the edifice. The towers of the building were pretty unique because on all its sides you will find a head or a face sculpted facing all the cardinal directions. Clarke wanted to capture the effect of the morning light on these towers, so she tried to sketch as fast as she could. But suddenly, to her dismay, her drawing was covered by an unsuspecting shadow. Clarke raised her gaze to confront this nuisance but then she was met by the most charming smile and cheerful eyes that she has seen in years. As she recognized her intruder, she has decided to take a break from her illustrating and diverted her attention for the meantime.

“Oh no, don’t stop, not on my account. I just wanted to see how you were” Lexa stated as she sat on another mound of rubble beside Clarke’s. 

With a small camera hanging from her neck, her trekking pants already dusty and a few sweat droplets falling from her forehead to her eyebrows; Lexa managed to still look admirable. She tied her long scarf around her head like a _doek_ of the South Africans whereas Clarke wore hers like a veil to shield the sides of her face from the sun. Clarke had fairer complexion than Lexa, so Lexa enjoyed tanning herself sporting a bandana or a head scarf while Clarke wore scarves like veils to protect her cheeks and neck from sunburn as they biked around. 

“It’s mesmerizing, isn’t it?” Lexa remarked as she moved to browse images from the digital screen of her camera.

“Yeah, the guide that passed by said that its color can change during the different times of the day. It can appear a bit bluish in the morning, a bit yellowish in the warm light of the afternoon and even orangey as the sun sets” Clarke shared without lifting her gaze.

“Some researchers say that the Bayon embodies egotism at its best” Lexa commented.

“Oh, do share what you know?” Clarke looked up catching Lexa’s stare, signaling her that she is ready to listen to one of Lexa’s short lectures now.

“Well, most scholars deem this as the most enigmatic of all. But politically speaking, this reminds me so much of Mount Rushmore or the statues of gods and pharaohs in ancient Egypt. At present, people actually debate of the identity of the face on these towers. Some of them thought that since this was believed to be a Buddhist structure, this was the face of Buddha or of a _bodhisattva_ , a person following the path of Buddha. But others hypothesized that this could be Brahma himself or probably, the divine guardians of the four cardinal directions. But the most interesting theory so far, is that this is the king, Jayavarman himself, who has represented himself as a _bodhisattva…_ ” Lexa explained but Clarke beat her to her conclusion.

“…because the ruler and the divine were often perceived as one” Clarke finished for Lexa.

Lexa was a bit dumbfounded, too thrilled about that fact that she has finally found someone who could finish one of her more complex statements. Being with Clarke felt easy, talking to Clarke all the more. Most of Lexa’s acquaintances and even those she dated often got bored with her ramblings. Only her closest friends who also work in the same field could accommodate her thoughts in a normal conversation. She did not initially expect this from Clarke but as they further went into their travel, she enjoyed these stimulating and sometimes existential discussions with the blonde.

“So, are you enjoying so far?” Lexa moved a bit closer to pry on Clarke’s current activity. 

“Just trying to finish this sketch” Clarke replied, guarding her work away from Lexa’s eyes.

“Can I see?” Lexa extended her free hand to Clarke while her right hand clutched her camera.

“As I’ve said, it’s not finished, nothing to see yet” Clarke contended.

“Just a peak?” Lexa insisted with a pout, a pout that Clarke realized she could not easily resist.

“Alright then, but no judgment, it’s just a sketch” Clarke handed her sketchbook to Lexa in hesitation.

“No judgment here, I could not even draw a straight line even if I tried” Lexa chuckled as she browsed through Clarke’s work.

Clarke sat there nervously, tapping her pencil on top of her knee. Lexa continued to browse backwards, starting from the page Clarke was working on until she reached the first page.

“Wow, this is great work Clarke, do you plan to make something out of these materials?” Lexa handed the sketchbook back to Clarke, quite charmed with the body of work that she has seen.

 “For now, these are just personal drawings, a few of them were of spots that I frequented in Arkadia and then I did some when we were in Hanoi” Clarke expounded and then she readied to continue her work once more.

“I’m thinking that we could probably brainstorm on a project in the future, with my writing and your work, we can probably come up with a travel guide in a sketchbook format. In place of pictures, we’ll use your drawings instead, I suppose your work would add a more human touch to my musings” Lexa contemplated beside Clarke.

“Yeah, we would probably make a good team” Clarke thought and at Lexa’s light laughter, she realized that she has said that one out loud “Oh sorry to say that out loud”.

“No worries, but I’m serious, we should consider that” Lexa pondered.

 With that they sat in relative silence until Clarke was able to finish her work.

 

* * *

 

“Are you afraid of heights?” Lexa asked as they stood in front of towering temple.

“A little bit, I got stuck in an elevator once, I had a panic attack” Clarke gulped as she looked up to the monumental structure. 

“I suppose claustrophobia is not the same as acrophobia” Lexa joked and to Clarke’s surprise, she grabbed Clarke’s hand and pulled her towards an extremely high staircase. The original stone steps of the temple were almost flat, so the restorers built a wooden staircase with metal reinforcements and handrails on one side of the original staircase. As Clarke looked up, she could not fathom how people reached the top of the structure without falling. Firstly, there was no sign of a previous railing so maybe people just fell to their death if someone pushed them or when they got off balance.

“I don’t think I can do this Lexa, I’ll just wait for you from the other side” Clarke wavered, trying to extract her hand from Lexa’s grip.

“Oh c’mon Clarke, for the short time that we have known each other, I’ve always seen you as a daredevil. You took the chance in travelling with a stranger, didn’t you, let this be another item off your bucket list” Lexa prodded. 

“I don’t even have a bucket list. How tall is this again?” Clarke looked up the height of the structure once again.

“Hmm, maybe give or take 50 meters at the top?” Lexa mused. “But that staircase is just probably over less than 50 steps or so, we’re like on the second or third storey already, the view will be worth it”.

“So no harness whatsoever?” Clarke inquired. They were at the foot of the staircase queuing up with the other tourists.

“Don’t worry, there are railings on both sides, you won’t fall off. C’mon, well go slow and just hold my hand” Lexa motioned.

The climb up was not as terrifying as Clarke imagined it to be. As they went up, Lexa placed her left hand behind her back for Clarke to grip on to. Clarke’s palm was getting clammy but she couldn’t care less because she was about 50 meters off the ground. 

“Almost there, c’mon Clarke, just don’t look down for now, okay?” Lexa continued their ascent as they were close to the top. 

As they reached the highest point of the temple, Lexa still held Clarke’s hand. They moved toward a throng of tourists. The upper deck was spacious enough and the edges of the structure were cordoned off and guarded by attendants to insure the safety of the tourists. Lexa motioned Clarke to move a bit closer towards the edge to get a full view of the vastness of the panorama. Sensing Clarke’s fear and reluctance as they were close to the edge, Lexa moved behind Clarke and held her by the shoulder, Clarke relaxed into Lexa. Clarke was calmer now, she felt safe actually.

“Look, you can see the entire city from here. Baphuon is considered to be the highest point of Angkor Thom” Lexa whispered into Clarke’s ear pointing towards the immensity of the ancient city. 

“It’s beautiful, thank you for convincing me” Clarke was now enamored with the view, she could see the wide entryway, the man-made pools flanking the pathway, and the boundaries of the temple protecting it from the interminable forest around it.

“Clarke, look here” As Clarke turned, she realized that Lexa left her to stand on her own while she moved a few steps back to take a photograph of Clarke. 

“Beautiful” Lexa was focused on the digital screen of her camera once more.

“Beautiful” Clarke pretended that she was looking at the landscape once again. But she knew what she meant, Lexa was smiling tenderly and Clarke’s gaze was diverted to her for a few seconds.

“Now stand close to me as I take a few more pictures” Lexa beckoned.

 

* * *

 

It was around noon and Clarke and Lexa were seated in another shaded area near the Baphuon. They were peacefully viewing another temple called Phimeanakas or probably, what was considered as a chapel during the 11th century. Clarke was calmly sketching the edifice beside Lexa. Lexa paused as she was taking a drink from her water jug to observe some elephants passing by. The complex may also be viewed through a guided elephant ride but they often took paths along the forests. As the elephants passed, Lexa went back to the book she was reading. Currently, this small temple was under restoration, the stone steps were already disappearing almost morphing into a plain ramp. Since there were less people in this area, Clarke thought of stopping by to sketch the smaller structure but similar looking with the taller one that they climbed earlier.

“So, this book says that there’s a myth behind this temple” Lexa said without looking up from her reading material. 

“Okay, do tell” Clarke requested as she proceeded with her own activity.

“So according to this book, a Chinese scholar who visited Cambodia around the 13th century heard of this myth about a creature in this temple right here. The story goes that a lord of the earth in the form of a _naga_ or a nine-headed snake would wait for the king at the summit of the temple each night. Then, this mythical creature morphs into a woman for the king and he must, I quote ‘couple with her’ before he returns to his wives and concubines. If the snake princess is appeased, no misfortune will fall to the kingdom but once the snake princess fails to appear, this marks the death of the king” Lexa narrated.

“Wow, talk about polyamory and bestiality at some point. I don’t really understand how one person can have so many lovers in the previous centuries” Clarke laughed and another thought came into her mind. “Hmm, but have you ever tried it?” 

“What? Polyamory or bestiality? Not really into snakes, not into dogs either, but then again cats or maybe pussies to be specific is something I might explore” Lexa kidded, knowing that by being out to Clarke means that her joke needed no further explanation. 

“Hah, very funny! No, I meant, falling in love with two people” Clarke paused from her work, quiet eager to learn Lexa’s reaction.

“You’re barking at the wrong tree, Clarke. Remember, I just got cheated on? I could not imagine doing it to someone else” Lexa emphasized.

“No, sorry, what I mean is that, when I was young, I thought we were simply meant to meet our one great love and that’s just it” Clarke explained. 

“You’ve probably watched a lot of Disney haven’t you?” Lexa teased.

“Well, I did fell for someone once. I was in love, so young, so in love, actually, I still am” Clarke recollected. She remembered how she laughed at Murphy’s witty comments, his antics, how she admired his beliefs and values and how she felt safe around him, wherever they were. And a lot of those feelings recurred now but not with John’s memory anymore, this felt more real now. 

“So, you were in love with this guy before and you’re still in love with him now? That’s not polyamory, Clarke, especially if it’s still with Bellamy” Lexa kept on teasing, on a serious note, she felt a bit self-conscious now, knowing that Clarke is talking about more personal things. 

“No, it’s not Bellamy, I’m not even sure with what I have with Bell. I call him my boyfriend but I’m sure that I’m not in love with the guy, especially with how he is acting now. But don’t get me wrong, I was in love once, with John, we attended school together, he was an artist too” Clarke shared.

“Uhm, so, what happened?” Lexa didn’t know if she was relieved. Clarke confessed to not being too serious with Bellamy but perhaps she should worry more about this John, especially if at this point she was already fond of Clarke more than she should allow herself to be. Afterall, Clarke is currently involved with someone, even if she claims that she’s not that serious.

“He was involved in some car accident, he didn’t survive it” Murphy’s note to Clarke somehow confirmed that he took his own life, but without any established reason, Clarke is still in denial that he was capable of that.

“And you’re still in love with him?” Lexa asked, trying to piece Clarke’s puzzle together.

“At some point, I think I still am, maybe with his memory. So, I think falling for someone else might betray his memory, do you get it?” Clarke continued to speak in perplexity.

“That’s not polyamory Clarke, that’s necromancy” and with that Clarke and Lexa burst into laughter. Lexa tried to keep the mood light with her joke, since any reaction from her will totally be visible to Clarke at high noon.

“No, seriously, would I be betraying his memory?” Clarke asked once again, looking deeper into Lexa to emphasize her question.

“Well, in this lifetime, we meet people. We fall in love; we fall out of love. I believe we only have room for one at a certain time. But in your case, losing that person doesn’t mean you’ll drive his memory out, somehow, he has greatly contributed to who you have become now. But maybe, just maybe, if you do fall in love again, you can make space for another” Lexa directed this answer to Clarke without much hope or reason for what she has currently been feeling for Clarke. But with all honesty and realization that at some point, every person deserves to fall in love again, given the right circumstances.

Clarke agreed with a nod and went back to her sketching.

At this note, they both fell into utter silence into their own solitude in each other’s company.

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Excerpts on myths, anecdotes, and descriptions came from my personal notes and experiences and the book "Art and Architecture of Cambodia" (2004) by Helen Ibbitson Jessup. All mistakes are mine, thank you for reading.


	11. Intention

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa get to spend a meaningful night together, setting aside their baggage and fears.

* * *

“We’re both looking at the same moon, in the same world. We’re connected to reality by the same line. All I have to do is quietly draw it towards me.” 

_Haruki Murakami, Sputnik Sweetheart_

* * *

 

Lexa wore a light plaid shirt over her black tank top, the night was humid and you can't really tell when the bugs or mosquitoes would strike. She has left her button down open and the sleeves were folded to her elbows. She matched her hiking boots with a pair tight dark pants. It was nothing fancy but a little bit less casual than their trekking wear for the past few days. It was their fifth day at Siem Reap and Lexa and Clarke visited Ta Prohm earlier that day. The said temple was made known when it was chosen as the site for the Tomb Raider live action movie which starred Angelina Jolie as Lara Croft. Clarke was a bit thrilled to find out about this since she has spent countless hours playing this video game as a child and Lexa, well, Lexa simply knew about it. As she sauntered towards her destination, Lexa recollected their experience earlier that day.

_Unlike the other temples, this site was really more of a ruin compared to the others. Tree roots penetrated the walls, floors and even the roof of the temple. You could say that the jungle is slowly reclaiming the man-made structure into its belly as it has eaten almost half of the complex._

" _Aside from that banyan and kapok trees here, did you know that one tree is actually called the strangler fig?" Lexa pointed out the ancient trees devouring one side of the temple complex._

" _Interesting, it actually feels a bit eerie here, like the jungle is in fact reclaiming the land" Clarke pointed out, probably a little creeped out at this moment._

" _Yeah, mother nature really has her own ways in recovering" Lexa wisecracked._

" _Do you think things will get better soon, Lexa?" Lexa knew that Clarke was no longer talking about their surroundings. "Will we be able to recover like the forest?"_

" _I hope so, the body has its ways of recovering Clarke, it has anti-bodies and stuff. I'm not really good with Biology but I think the heart being an organ has ways of healing itself too" Lexa affixed her gaze tenderly at Clarke, they both know how their journeys started and they both know how they eventually ended up beside each other._

" _Even if it's ruined, I still feel this place, so much energy, probably held so many memories for those who walked these corridors before. It's so stunning, right?" Clarke thought._

" _Of course, in fact this is the Lara Croft temple after all, c'mon let's go take a picture" Lexa joked to lighten the mood once again. "This is going to be another souvenir for my parents"._

_Clarke noticed this with Lexa, she always thought that the girl was a little bit uptight. But for several occasions, wherever things get a bit too sad, serious, unsettling or awkward, Lexa would suddenly throw a joke or a witty banter. With that they took photographs of each other and a selfie on Clarke's phone as they continued to sightsee hand in hand._

At the beginning, Lexa thought she would never encounter her good-humored self once again. With what Costia did to her, it felt like she was constantly being followed by a dark rain cloud, sucking all the happiness away from her. But being with Clarke, she felt that this other person carried a heavier baggage, hence, she has made a conscious effort in lightening the mood and making Clarke laugh whenever they both started to think of dim things.

* * *

"Hey Lexa, there you are! Come join me!" Lexa found Clarke in one of the busier corners of Pub Street. She was seated on a bench, her feet water-logged in what looked like an aquarium and she was downing a bottle of cold cola. They separated for a while when Lexa headed to the nearest ATM to get more cash for the rest of their stay.

Lexa laughed at the sight before her, in a busy street filled with neon lights with both folk and dance music coming from bars and a pack of tourists moving to and fro, Lexa found Clarke in the most auspicious of places. Wearing a blue tank top and a light checkered scarf hanging from her neck, Clarke folded her jeans up to her knees and submerged her feet in a sizeable aquarium filled with small grey colored fishes.

"Lexa, a fish spa! You soak your feet for an hour, the fish will eat your callouses and then you get a free Coke for a dollar!" Clarke was pointing to neon sign which says "Fish Spa for a dollar".

"Haha, it sounds a bit ghastly but what the heck! I made you climb that temple, one for the bucket list, eh" Lexa paid the attendant a dollar and sat on the same bench beside Clarke. As she removed her shoes and folded her pants, the attendant handed her a dry towel and a cold bottle of cola as well.

As Lexa dipped her feet, a school of fish rapidly swam towards her and started to devour her toes. To her surprise, she jerked her knee and splashed some water towards Clarke in the process.

"You did not say that this actually tickles, this is not my idea of spa and relaxation, Clarke" Lexa instantly lifted both of her feet from the water and Clarke laughed hysterically.

"It actually tickles at first but you'll get used to it. C'mon, just dip your feet slowly once more. You'll actually hurt the fish if you make another wave, you don't want that" Clarke guided Lexa carefully, holding her by her shoulders.

The proximity comforted Lexa, despite the fishy smell around them, she could smell Clarke's scent due to their nearness. She was used to having the sweaty Clarke around especially due to all the hiking and biking that they have done these past few days but that Clarke did not smell so bad either. But this relaxed version smelled different; probably something with a faint floral scent but a little bit earthy with undertones of vanilla. As Lexa tranced into her illusion, she was brought back to reality when one of the fishes chomped on her big toe. Lexa then realized that Clarke has already withdrawn her embrace and proceeded to enjoy her drink as she watched the passers-by along the busy street.

"So, this was fun" Clarke gleefully told Lexa.

At this moment, Lexa realized that they spent almost a week in Cambodia and she would soon be due to visit Anya in the next couple of days. They would either chose to part ways or head towards the same destination once again.

"So, what are your plans after this? Have you heard from Bellamy?" Lexa asked.

"Honestly, I really don't know yet. I called him last night, actually" Clarke said before taking another gulp from her drink.

"Was he okay? How did the tattoo go?" Lexa probed, hoping that this conversation would end in what she was hoping for.

"Well, after two days, he told me that he was allowed to get one. He just needed to stay in queue. He did get a fever after, he'll stay there for a few more days" Clarke replied "He said I should follow him there, we need visit some beaches he said".

* * *

 

Whatever Clarke said, Lexa actually heard parts of her conversation with Bellamy that night. Thinking that Lexa has already fallen asleep, Clarke decided to call Bellamy as she stayed inside their hotel room. But Lexa could only make out whatever she could hear from Clarke's end in her hushed whispers.

" _How are you?"_

" _That would go away soon, yes, you knew that would happen, Lexa warned you"_

" _Yes, I'm having a great time here"_

" _Yes, Lexa is here, she's in the other side of the room, asleep"_

" _No, I don't think I want to"_

" _Of course, you can stay there…as long as you want"_

" _No, Bell, no, we don't want that"_

" _It's your life, you can do whatever"_

" _Yeah, I would like to see the beaches"_

" _But I don't want to go alone…"_

" _Of course, she's nice, no, not in that way"_

" _What are you talking about?!"_

" _You did what?!"_

" _How dare you?! Yes, of course, I know I agreed to an open relationship…"_

" _No, that's not what I'm doing. We have twin beds for crying out loud…"_

" _It's not the same…"_

" _What, emotionally? So, you just decided to act on it?!"_

" _Good for you…"_

" _It's done then, fine…"_

" _Yeah, actually, I'm quite relieved…"_

" _No, you did not help…"_

" _But thank you!"_

_Then Clarke laid silent as she put her phone down. As the light from Clarke's night lamp died, Lexa heard some muffled sobbing until she fell asleep the next hour._

* * *

"So, you'll go there?" After her recollection of the previous night's situation, she was baffled that Clarke got up and pretended to be her cheery self the entire day.

"Probably not, I broke up with Bellamy last night…" Clarke replied nonchalantly, "He said he slept with some European girl that he met at the village".

"He did what?!" Lexa almost got whiplash with what she has confirmed. So, Clarke did cry that night and something unpleasant did happen after that conversation.

"But you know what, we did agree to have an open relationship, if anything, I think I'm a bit relieved, actually" Clarke confided as she proceeded to look at her toes slowly being frenzied by some fish.

"You are?" Lexa asked nervously, a bit apprehensive of where this conversation was headed.

"I was a bit confused, probably, a little guilty too but I guess this was the right thing. After all, somehow, we both used each other for certain reasons" Clarke explained. "I appreciate his honesty actually; I suppose I should start dealing with things as they are now".

"It's a cliché Clarke, but I suppose I should say something like, I'm here for you" Lexa whispered, drawing Clarke closer to her, putting her left arm around Clarke's shoulder.

"A cliché but just exactly what I wanted to hear at this very moment" Clarke placed her head on Lexa's shoulder.

"Lexa?"

"Yes?"

"Can I come with you?"

"Yes, Clarke, of course."

The couple proceeded to finish their drinks in silence as they looked into the busy street with the bustling crowd and the aquarium fishes both unaware of the connection that they established that very evening.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the short chapter but a lot will be happening soon. Also, I am not a Bellarke fan, but I will try to share a bit of Bellamy's side soon, so that you can better understand his character. Again, thank you for reading.


	12. Unrest

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa wakes up in the middle of the night to solicit some advice from her friends.

 

* * *

“There's always a period of curious fear between the first sweet-smelling breeze and the time when the rain comes cracking down.”

_Don Delillo_

* * *

 

Lexa tosses and turns from her twin bed, it was already close to dawn. She looked at her watch from her bedside table and saw that it was already 2:30 in the morning. In the darkness of their shared room, Clarke was snoring softly on her own twin bed. Sure, they had a few drinks in and Clarke must had been awfully tired but Lexa was so amused to find out that this girl could snore quite a bit. She first noticed this several nights past when she would wake up in the middle of the evening to pee, she could hear Clarke wheezing softly. Lexa thought that with all the hiking that they had done the previous days, Clarke’s body must have given in completely into a deep snuffling slumber. Lexa was not used to this, she thought that she might not get enough sleep being around Clarke. You see, Costia was not much of a snorer, so Lexa was typically used to the hush of the evening. But Clarke was not too loud either, not to the point that it was annoying. On the other hand, Lexa even found Clarke’s rhythmic wheezing to be a bit comforting. It somehow made her feel safe, knowing that someone is around and that someone has put her guard down beyond all pretentions.

She spent quite a pleasant evening with the girl; since Clarke shared about her recent sudden break-up with Bellamy, claiming that the relationship was not “serious to begin with”, Lexa was a bit prompted to share about her own past. In the middle of an anecdote about a lobster and a stressful waiter, Lexa suddenly realized that after all this time, she had finally talked about Costia without any resentment or soreness. Maybe she was already passed the stage of anger and was finally building acceptance of her situation, finally understanding that her relationship with Costia was essential for her to be able to grow and fixate less about certain things in life. On the other hand, Clarke was doing a good job in keeping things together. After finding out about her past with Murphy and then her recent plunge with Bellamy, Lexa realized that Clarke was masking much of her pain. Clarke admitted that agreeing to an open relationship might have been her lowest point. With all their musings that evening, Lexa gathered one important thing- that at this point, in the most uncertain juncture of her life, she was somehow infatuated. 

Yes, “infatuated” is how Lexa would describe her current predicament while she stared at Clarke’s back as she slept on the other side of the room. At this point, Lexa thought of how the corners of Clarke’s eyes would wrinkle as she laughed, how she would slightly pucker her lips when she’s in deep thought and how she would casually hold onto Lexa’s arms whenever they walk side by side. In such a short time, in such a fleeting moment, yes, infatuation may be the right narrative for Lexa. So, that is probably why she was tossing and turning at such an ungodly hour.

Lexa jumped quietly from her bed, she needed reassurance or even perhaps a devil’s advocate. She fumbled for her phone and got to the messaging application, she considered calling Anya but realized that there was no time difference between Thailand and Cambodia. She would be seeing Anya the following day, but Clarke has decided to tag along, and it would be imprudent if Anya was not informed that she was with company. So, she decided to leave her an email instead, knowing that Anya usually takes her time to contemplate over serious situations concerning her friends despite being rash with some decisions such as moving to another country or moving in with someone. Lexa typed furiously in her phone, sharing details and maybe withholding some incidents to make sure that Anya takes her seriously. Upon recognizing that she has thrown enough questions to Anya to ponder on, Lexa looked into her messaging application. She noted that there was a twelve-hour difference between Cambodia and the US- so she was left with only one person who was still at work at this unreasonable hour in Cambodia.

* * *

It was 2:45 in the afternoon from where he sat, several beams of light scatter through his office window. The newly installed faux Shoji screens blocked the afternoon sun through the balcony. He was working at his studio in his apartment, he was working from home. Several magazines and coffee table books were scattered all over the top of Noguchi coffee table flanked by two Ven der Rohe Barcelona chairs in black leather and Nelson Coconut chairs also in dark leather. On the opposite end of the room was a wide dining table with a glass top and metal legs lined with four Tulip chairs on each side. His apartment was like a mini museum filled with designer furniture and artworks of contemporary artists. Titus was anxiously seated in the darkest corner of the room; his paperwork was spread across the dining table. He was browsing through his mobile phone, looking into old digital images of himself with Lexa during an exhibit opening, another one with Anya and Lexa taken during one of their yoga classes, and of Gustus, it was taking the morning after they decided to start dating exclusively- but that was eons ago- why did he even have this photo anyway? Titus played around with the wooden stirrer he had in his hand, his coffee was cold now, he was seated in this mindful state for several hours.

 Titus was already in this troubled state even before Lexa left for her sabbatical. He was trying to keep himself together- this matter is not something that he could just casually bring up to Lexa. Since his break-up with Gustus, Titus dreaded the “I told you so” and the “You’ll never find anyone else like him” from Lexa. Gustus tried, but Titus could not just let him suffer, the entire break-up was on him. These past few weeks, he was at his loneliest. It started with his sudden loss of sexual interest- he thought he was probably just starting to feel guilty. He needed to get utterly wasted to be functional for someone, most of these encounters he couldn’t even recall. His actions felt repetitive; work, get to a bar, meet someone, go home, sex, get up and then work, the cycle continued. Then suddenly there were the midday headaches, probably due to pressures at work, his lack of caffeine intake, nothing a painkiller won’t get rid of. He reminded himself that he should hire a new carpenter for the installation soon, the last one did an awful job, this probably caused his anxiety. Then, there were also nights of sweating profusely in his sleep, even at times when the AC was in full blast, it was probably his anxiety recurring. Then when the nausea and the vomiting happened four nights ago, Titus started to feel worried. He learned that there were self-tests from the internet but this was something that he couldn’t do by himself. His suspicions are probably not even thoughts that he should entertain right now. He was one top of his game now, he’s thriving, probably in most aspects of his life. He could not just march to a health facility and eventually verify or in a better light find out more about his suspicions. He badly needs a voice of reason beside him now but what if he does figure out the truth of his health condition? Will he be able to handle it? Then, as timely as it could get, the phone in his hand _chimes._

_A message from Lexa:_

_Are you still at work? Can I talk to you?_

_Titus replies with a short but sincere:_

_Yes._

Afterwards, his phone vibrates to signal an incoming call from Lexa.

_“Hey, is this a good time?”_ Lexa was speaking in a very soft tone.

“This is the right time”, Titus was thankful to hear his best friend’s voice _._

_“Are you missing me enough?”_

“Well, since you’re calling now, probably, not enough anymore”.

_“I’ve missed you too”_ Lexa whispers sweetly, for Titus this was a bit bittersweet. He knew his friend called him because she needed him but if only she knew how much he needs her now.

_“Anyway, remember how I called you from Hanoi and told you about this enigma of a girl?”_

“Yeah, you said you met her at the theatre.”

_“Well, we’re sort of travelling together now, we’re at Cambodia.”_

“My, my, you move fast dear Lexa. So, how was it? Is she any good? Better than Costia?” Titus knew that Lexa was not that sort, she was nothing like him. Lexa was one of the most loyal people he knew. After what Costia did to Lexa, he was so surprised that Lexa is still talking to him. But clearly, she took Gustus’ side during their break-up but Titus knew that Lexa was already family, there was nothing more that he could do that could easily drive the girl away. Lexa was a fierce friend, she accepted Titus for his flaws but remained authentic enough to call his ways bullshit. So, if he stops kidding and takes this seriously, Lexa would be able to see right through him, to suspect his worriedness. Hence, some sexual insinuation is essential in their conversation.

_“It’s not like that Ty”_ He noted the endearment, this was a serious matter _“To cut the long story short, have you ever met someone who makes things seem rather easy?”_

“Well, there were a lot of ‘easy guys’…” Titus joked but he knew what Lexa meant. Of course, he knew that feeling, he had it with Gus. He was at his most vulnerable, yet also at his strongest with him. His defenses were down; he was shy at times, admitted his faults, felt that he did not need to keep appearances, being with him was indeed “easy”.

_“No, not like that, you know what I mean”_ Titus could feel the earnestness in Lexa’s voice. Of course, he knew how to read her. Lexa was possibly enraptured once again but with her motivation to move on, this occurrence may be off timing if this happens so soon.

“Lexa, you took that trip to make things happen. So, right now, I don’t really understand what you’re fussing about? Just savor the moment until it lasts”

_“What if I’ve gotten the wrong signals?”_

“Well, you can be a bit oblivious at times you know. Okay, is she single as of the moment? Is she sharing the same room with you? Does she listen intently to your lengthy monologues and turns it into a dialogue?”

_“She was in an open relationship when I met her, she was with a guy but they went separate ways and she asked to join me. They broke up yesterday in a phone call. Yes, we are sharing a room but with separate beds…”_

“Alright, just let me stop you right there. She did what? Did you just say that she broke up with her boyfriend after she met you?”

_“Yeah, but I suppose it was due to a different reason or circumstance…the guy cheated on her when he went away…"_  

“Okay, just listen to yourself, Lexa, point is, they broke up when you got into the picture. For whatever reason the break-up was about, the point here is that they broke up. She’s single now, probably confused, maybe not baffled anymore and she’s with you. Now, what’s the problem here?”

_“I think I’m into her, Ty”_

“Then, pardon the language but get ‘into’ her. I’m not saying to jump the gun right away, Lex, I know you. But just stop worrying for a while and just let things be. Just see where this goes, promise me, you won’t overthink?”

_“Alright, I’ll stop overthinking. Thank you for answering my call, I’ve been restless earlier. But I think I’m getting a bit sleepy now, It’s 3:00 AM here. How about you? Are you alright?”_

“Perfect, in tip top shape” Titus lied. He then heard a soft yawn from the other end of the line.

_“That’s good to hear! I think I’m a bit sleepy now, we need to catch an early ride to Thailand tomorrow. I’ll be seeing Anya soon; I’ll call again when I get there”_ Lexa managed to say in between yawns.

 “Alright then, give Anya my regards. I’ll see you soon then” Titus wanted to talk more but as it appears, Lexa was calmer now and was probably falling asleep already.

_“Bye, Ty, l’ll see you soon. Thank you for listening”._

“Goodbye” With a _click,_ Titus terminates the phone call.

Things will probably go well for Lexa. With this realization, he then dials another number in his phone and proceeds to make an appointment at the nearest clinic.


	13. Crave

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Multiple character perspectives; imagine split screens and overlapping scenes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for disappearing for a while, I am still here, the holidays were just a bit hectic. Anyway, here's a long chapter but I hope you won't be disappointed since there are no tangible Clexa scenes in this one but this is a significant chapter for the backstory and development of the other characters.

 

* * *

 

“Who are we, who is each one of us, if not a combination of experiences, information, books we have read, things imagined? Each life is an encyclopedia, a library, an inventory of objects, a series of styles, and everything can be constantly shuffled and reordered in every way conceivable.”

_Italo Calvino_

* * *

The white walls are illuminated by the sunrise; that’s the amazing thing with white walls, they are like a canvas, the tinge of light drafts various moods throughout the day. Various books and magazines are scattered across the laminated wooden floor boards of the loft level of a modern apartment in one of the posh areas at Bangkok. Outside the picture window you can see the bustling highway which is quite empty at this time of the day, on the opposite window squirrels case each other from tree to tree. The scent of freshly brewed coffee fills the loft;a sinewy female figure with dirty blond locks wrapped in a white blanket sits on an ergonomic chair holding a glass mug. She types on her slim laptop on top of a narrow wooden desk with several hard bounds piled up on one side and a messy-looking medium-sized corkboard filled with neon notes on the opposite end. The blond furrows her brows looking intently into the computer. She puts her mug on the desk and stretches her back, her covering falls to her lap revealing a naked torso and a full-sleeved tattooed right arm.

“Hey, have I told you that she’s arriving today?” The blond mumbles to herself as she continues to type on her computer.

“Hmm hmm…what?” a muffled voice replies beneath a sea of blankets on top of a platform bed, the figure peeks through the fabric and proceeds to rub her eyes, revealing a brunette with tan skin. Beside the figure, blue almond shaped eyes with a gray triangular shaped head her peek through the blanket as well. With a soft purr, a slender Siamese cat frees himself from the obstructions, stretches his elongated body and walks toward the blond only to rub himself on one of her feet on the ground.

“And good morning to you too Mr. Bean!” the blond greets the feline with a soft rub on his neck.

“What did you say An?” the brunette asked as she proceeded to pick one of the scattered garments below the bed, deciding to put on a gray tank top.

“Have I told you, Lexa is arriving today?” Anya confirmed as she continued to browse through her email with the cat now seated on her lap.

“Yes, you’ve mentioned it a month ago but since you were quite mum about it after, I didn’t realize that it was today” the brunette fumbled for her glasses at the bedside table. As she set her thick rimmed glasses on top of her nose bridge, she got up in a jolt and kicked the blankets off the bed.

“I just got her email and she’ll probably get here in a few hours, we probably need to tidy up but you need to get to class soon” Anya stood up from her desk as the cat jumped on the floor and she somehow managed to turn the blanket into some sort of wrap around her frame. She approached the bed only to pick up the blankets after Raven and the articles of clothing around it.

“You’ll be fine without me? You do remember how to set up the Murphy bed?”

“Yes ma’am but we’ll probably need more than that, Lexa says she has company” Anya moved closer to the now confused Raven.

This somehow was a sort of the embodiment of their relationship- a put together Anya and then a muddled Raven. To pursue her post-graduate degree, Anya decided to take on a scholarship at Bangkok. In their trio, Titus was carefree, Lexa was calculated and let’s say Anya was somewhere in between. Anya went out but never with too many people, Anya kept people close but never stuck to one, probably, not until Raven. In a city where a lot of her acquaintances spoke foreign languages, Anya navigated only among those with less cultural barriers. Meeting Raven was a bit coincidental; she got stood up so she went to her dating app once again and found Raven in the same bar where she was at.

Anya found out that Raven was simply back-packing around Southeast Asia at first; she wanted to take up Engineering for college but decided to travel for her gap year. On her travel, she met Suchin, her local guide. After weeks of travelling with Suchin across mainland Southeast Asia, Raven fell in love and took up a job as a language teacher to extend her stay. But little did she know that Suchin was not ready to be in a relationship. However, Raven did not only fall in love in Bangkok but she also fell for the city as well, the humid weather, the colors, the culture; growing up from one foster home to another, Raven craved for this freedom. So, she decided to keep her job and to stay in Bangkok for the time being, little did she know that she’ll be stumbling upon Anya and now it has been a year since that night.

Raven though good-humored was fiercely loyal; on the other hand, Anya is thoughtful but non-committal. However, Raven was fine with this arrangement, they did not have an exclusive relationship but they always ended up in each other’s beds at night. Though Raven spent most of her time at Anya’s loft; she has managed to keep her small studio to have her own space for her books and gadgets. Anya suggested that they should not label their relationship; too afraid to lose Anya, Raven took anything she could grab and this arrangement has been going on for a year. Sometimes Raven supposes that Mr. Bean has even developed better ways to express his feline feelings more than his owner. Since this “no-label” relationship has been going on, Raven has been secretly hoping that by finally being introduced to one of Anya’s closest friends, might officially mean something to Anya. Hence, making Lexa’s visit being a bit of a big deal but with other matters at hand, Anya’s focus might be settled elsewhere instead.

“What do you mean company? I thought she was travelling alone?” Raven inquired. 

“She met some girl along the way, now she’s tagging along” Anya explained as she went back to her desk to retrieve her coffee.

“Well that’s interesting, I guess based on what you have told me that’s a bit un-Lexalike isn’t it?” Raven moved to grab Anya’s coffee.

“It certainly is” Anya answered.

“So, do I finally get to meet this friend of yours? For the longest time, I kinda enjoyed this illicit affair” Raven teased but somehow, she secretly hoped that by bringing up the topic, Anya would soon decide on what to call their relationship.

“Actually, Lexa does not have a clue that I’m in some ‘illicit affair’” Anya air quotes “I kinda planned this to be the moment to tell her”.

“So, she does not even know that I exist?” Raven felt a bit hurt at the moment, realizing where she stands with Anya.

“Well, as I’ve said this is the first time she’s visiting, so, I was hoping she could finally meet you” The change in Anya’s tone, the sincerity in her voice made Raven recognize that meeting Lexa was probably indeed a big step in their unlabelled relationship.

“So what should I do? How should I act?” Raven glided towards Anya as if soliciting guidelines.

Then, without any awareness or pretense, it just slipped from Anya, “Well, just how any girlfriend would act…” Anya caught herself wide-eyed.

There was a pregnant pause between the two. Anya’s gaze did not waver; Raven was like a deer caught in headlights, Anya’s slip finally sinking in.

Raven decided to break the silence, knowing that Anya was non-confrontational; she thought evading the mishap might be best. “Don’t worry An, I haven’t heard anything” Despite the hurt in her voice, Raven knew that Anya will never be ready and to push for them to date exclusively might just rattle Anya and cause her to run away in the process.

“No, Rae, stop…listen for a while” Anya took a deep breath “I’ve actually been thinking for a while now and I really planned to ask you soon but I had this fear that you might not take me seriously or I’ll probably scare you…” Anya realized her word vomit but Raven’s unrelenting gaze signaled her to go on. “Anyway, here it goes…will you be my girlfriend?”

“In a heartbeat!” Raven jumped into Anya’s arms sealing their dialogue with a searing kiss. “Sorry, I panicked, I thought you were taking us into a different direction a while ago…” Raven mumbled in between the kiss.

“Shut up, Reyes!” Anya countered and Mr. Bean sauntered towards the stairs realizing that this was his cue to leave.

* * *

 

 

The white sandy beach glistened under the harsh sun, a male figure sat underneath a lone coconut tree near the shore. A group of children gathered washed up shells of sand-dollars (a type of sea urchin) across the coastline. The serene blue waters appear like soft fabric across the coast. A tanned slim female figure with a mop of curly brown hair in a bikini approaches the man settled by a coconut tree.

“It’s a good day for a swim” she greets him as she settles herself beside him.

“It’s a good day indeed” he beams at her and places an arm around her shoulder.

“So what did she say?” she asked with her glare kept on the shoreline before them.

“Who?” he inquired.

“Your girlfriend, who else, c’mon Bell, I heard you talking to her over the phone a few nights ago” she stated nonchalantly.

“That’s ex-girlfriend for you, Gina” he replied in a low voice.

“So, you did break it off with her? I thought you were in an open relationship. Damn, she’s edgy” Gina probed.

“You don’t know her, you shouldn’t talk about her like that” Bellamy countered.

“Alright, alright, hold your horses. Nothing to be too uptight about, I’m just stating the facts here. I’m just saying, she went off with some stranger and now tells you that you don’t have the right to do whoever…”

“Like I said, she’s not like that, plus, it was with a girl” Bellamy cut Gina off.

“Don’t be too naïve, Bell. In what century are you from? The world does not just revolve around heteronormativity genius! Doesn’t mean it was with a girl, there ain’t no rubbing uglies involved is there? Sorry to be a bit blunt here but it sounds like they’ll be riding off the sunset without you” Gina was becoming a bit coarse at this point.

Bellamy withdrew his arm from Gina’s shoulder at this moment. He was staring at the horizon in deep contemplation. Maybe that was all he was to Clarke, some rebound fuck to get over her dead boyfriend. Well, it was fun at first but not until Clarke told him that it was over did he feel this sharp pang at the pit of his stomach. Probably, that was all he was to Clarke some cheap fuck and a drinking buddy, he should probably not overthink it.

If he met Clarke years ago, he might have probably not had gave up so easily. The drinking problem started after a few months when his sister passed away. It wasn’t his fault, it was nobody’s fault actually; it was cancer. It could have been helped but they haven’t found out about it earlier. But he blamed himself for it; he blamed himself for not taking care of her enough. Hence, the drinking started, he just wanted to sleep, and he just wanted to numb himself from the pain for a while. But he has been escaping since then, escaping the truth and escaping what his life could have been.

Bellamy met Clarke at her lowest, they were both in pain, and they both lost someone. This time, they wanted to feel again; the sex was random at first, it started in a bathroom in one drunken night. But it made them feel something again, up until it didn’t. Bellamy always thought about this trip for years, how he promised his sister that he’ll take her to see the world when she gets better. He also thought that he should take Clarke to see the world, so that she gets better. But his sister did not live for him to fulfill that promise nor did Clarke stick around for that, but then he realized that he was doing it now. It may not be for his sister, it may not also be for Clarke, but maybe just maybe, he could do it for himself.

“Hey Gina…” with some sense of clarity Bellamy turned to the girl beside him, looking intensely into her brown eyes.

“Yeah?” Gina replied with an almost irritated scowl.

“Shut up” then he moved to cup both her cheeks with his hands and kissed her under the scorching sun, the hot sand and the gentle waves of the sea.

* * *

 

 

This was just a casual day; the sun was up, his loafers hit the rough pavement, he was sipping his coffee and the strong flavor and aroma hit him like never before, the city was bustling; he has never felt so many sensations all at once, before; he felt alive. Titus was back in the coffee shop in front of Polis Park, he was always here with Lexa but he has never appreciated the view here before. While most people wanted to retire to a quiet solitary life in some coastal region or a farm, Titus had other ideas. He could never imagine himself being away from people; he could not fathom the silence. The city was his refuge; the smell of various foods when he walks along the food trucks and delis in the morning, the noise of ambulances, police cars and loud mufflers in the night, the glittering neon lights of the buildings in the evening; these are the vibrations he could not live without. He viewed himself as a maximalist in life; surrounded by beautiful people, surrounded by beautiful things, surrounded by the full life force of the city. But being in the same place, alone, now, without Lexa has brought him into a new perspective. Going to the clinic brought him to a new perspective. So he cancelled all his appointments today, put on a plain white t-shirt, a pair of denims and his most unfussy pair of loafers and headed out towards the park. However, he did set one meeting today, realizing that he would be about an hour early, he brought a book with him, _Gabriel Garcia Marquez’s One Hundred Years of Solitude._ Lexa, Anya and Titus were all wide readers; they used to have some sort of a book club. They picked a book each month and discuss it over some coffee at the end of each month. Anya and Titus would often bicker at some ideas that they would disagree with, Lexa often acted as a referee, trying to settle the debates. But this was the book wherein they found themselves agreeing with too many things that they decided to leave everything into their own respective understandings.

After a short while, being left to his musings, Titus finally set his book on top of the table as he saw a figure approach him. Titus knew that he took lunch off away from work; he had a brown leather body bag draped across his shoulder and not his backpack and because he was wearing a pullover, he probably took his bike instead of his car.

“Well, you don’t look like your dying” was Gustus’ blunt greeting as he settled himself on a seat in front of Titus.

“Maybe I still am or maybe I thought I was” Titus replied in an enigmatic tone, Gustus scoffed knowing that Titus was up to something.

Why Gustus was here after such a long time while still being mad at Titus baffled him. However, receiving a desperate call from Titus a night ago made him break his reserve. Gustus worked so hard to build his walls up, but somehow after hearing Titus’ desperate plea; he knew that this was more than just a relapse on his part.

“Okay, you wanted to talk, talk” Gustus maintained his hard façade. He told himself to never fall into Titus’ ploys again.

Looking at Gustus, Titus started to hate himself more; he knew that he was responsible into turning Gustus into this numb, defensive creature. Gustus had his back straight, his arms crossed over his chest; his body language signaled Titus that he should go straight to the point.

“Alright then, have you gotten yourself tested recently?” Titus nonchalantly quipped.

“What do you mean?” Gustus’ demeanor softened.

“Well, I have not been feeling well recently, so I went to the clinic yesterday…” Titus explained.

“And what did they say?” Gustus cut.

“The rapid test was negative but the results for the second antigen test takes three months to confirm” Titus continued.

At this point, Titus did not realize that Gustus has already reached out for his hands across the table.

“Don’t worry about me; I was cleared after our break-up. I was never really with anyone after that” Gustus assured him.

“I just thought that I’d warn you…you know…just in case” Titus stuttered, his voice breaking. He was never really this vulnerable around anyone except Gustus.

“Do Lexa and Anya know?” Gustus inquired.

“They’re a bit caught up with things for now. I decided not to tell anyone unless things are you know…really cleared…or confirmed” admitting to his faults and weaknesses was always hard for Titus, he was selfish.

Being with Gustus made him vulnerable; he hated that, he never wanted to be dependent on anyone, not even his friends. So, at some point, he was destructive, trying to avoid any commitment or fealty to one person. He viewed love as a weakness, so he always evaded love. Gustus was ruined by his actions; he took in the gravity of his selfishness.

“I wanted to keep this for a while, but then I thought of you and wanted to warn you. But I guess, I just needed you to know, just in case” Titus could no longer look into Gustus’ eyes, knowing that he was tearing down his walls now.

“You really are a selfish, prick, you know that?” Gustus was squeezing his hands now; he was on the verge of tears.

“After what I have done to you, I guess, I deserve everything that’s coming…” Titus spoke in a low broken tone.

“You really don’t get it, Ty” Gustus tried to compose himself “After breaking me, all I thought of was burying every memory of you and now, after all my hard work, you just come crashing down, dragging me with you, once again”.

“Lexa told me about the vampire comparison…” Titus tried to joke.

“Yeah, sorry about that but you really do know me. You know when to call and what to say. I hate myself because I know how pathetic I am around you but how I wish that it was not under these circumstances” Gustus sighed. “So, what do we do now?”

“Well, as for me, I’ll just probably wait”

“Then, I’ll wait with you”

Titus was caught aback by how decisive Gustus was.

“You mean…” Titus was baffled with Gustus’ action.

“I mean I’ll be here for you while you wait and I’ll be here for whatever happens. I am forgiving you even if you haven’t apologized. I’ll be your friend; I’ll be there for you whenever Lexa or Anya can’t. I’ll be around, Ty. We’ll start from there and who knows, we’ll see what happens after.”

Titus digested Gustus’ words slowly, he knows that he doesn’t deserve his forgiveness; he knows that he deserves less for what he has done.

“I don’t deserve this, I don’t deserve you. You’re still here even if there’s nothing left…”

Gustus picked up the book from the table, “Like Marquez says, ‘there is always something left to love’”

 

* * *

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I will be back with my weekly updates and the Clexa-centric chapter will follow. Well, chapters that will follow after will be Clexa-centric. Thank you again!


	14. Unadorned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Anya finally see each other again after a long time, a night out of rekindling old memories ensue in the heart of Bangkok. Clarke and Raven also share a meaningful chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's a rather lengthy chapter, mainly because our favorite girls are all reunited here. Will still try to update weekly, thank you for reading.

* * *

“Life is not simple, and people can't be boxed into being either heroes or villains.”

_Jessica Hagedorn  
_

* * *

 

Lexa and Clarke did not have a hard time in finding Anya’s apartment. It was situated in one of the posh areas in the district of Sukhumvit. The cab driver good-naturedly dropped them off at the entrance of the building. Upon reaching the lobby, Lexa confirmed some of information and the security personnel made a phone call to Anya’s unit. While Lexa waited at the reception counter, Clarke sat patiently on one of the several plush sofas at the lobby. Lexa noted the cleanliness of the building, the marble floors, the brilliant chandeliers and the travertine counter from where she stood. As Lexa took in more of Anya’s living situation, she couldn’t help but listen to the conversation that the receptionist was having with the person at the other end of the line.

_“I have an Alexandria Woods here for you, she’s with company”_

_“Thank you, just send them right up”_

Being quite close to the receiver, Lexa couldn’t help but notice that the voice she heard was a little bit less deep than Anya’s.

“You may proceed, madam, there’s an elevator to your right up to unit 705” the receptionist broke Lexa’s train of thought.

“Hey Clarke, we can go up now” Lexa motioned for Clarke to follow.

“Are you sure that’s its going to be okay with your friend? I’m a stranger to her you know?” Clarke has been worrying throughout their trip from Cambodia.

“Don’t worry, Anya understands and despite the years that we haven’t seen each other, we kept in touch. She’s more like a sister to me, you know” Lexa explained as they entered the elevator.

Lexa and Clarke approached unit 705 in a slow phase, too nervous of how Anya would react to their current travelling situation. As the door opened, a slim female figure with dirty blonde hair welcomes Lexa with a hug; the hug was a bit lengthy because Clarke had enough time to take in Anya’s appearance. She was wearing a white tank top, revealing tattoos on her right arm and a pair of rugged denims. Clarke thought that they looked good together, both physically good-looking and she thought that there must be more to Lexa and Anya’s past. Clarke continued to stand awkwardly with her backpack behind Lexa as she waited for the brunette to introduce her. Too overwhelmed in seeing Anya after the long time, Lexa had not made any move to introduce Clarke yet until she caught Anya’s eye.

“And you must be…” Anya directed a knowing look to Lexa.

“Oh how rude of me, Clarke Griffin meet Anya Volkov, one of my closest friends” Lexa motioned between Clarke and Anya.

“Best friend, you can say best friend, Lexa. The bald man is not here. Pleased to meet you, Clarke” Anya joked as she shook Clarke’s hand.

“She means our other friend, Titus” Lexa told Clarke who was just right behind her.

“So, if you want to find out more about Clarke, I guess it’s best that you already invite us inside. This bag is kinda heavy, you know.” Lexa kidded as she pretended to struggle with her backpack. “Don’t let the rough exterior fool you, Anya can be quite a care bear.” Lexa whispered as Anya moved deeper into the apartment to allow her and Clarke to enter.

Clarke realized that if Lexa appeared to be relaxed in Cambodia, she was probably more relaxed amongst friends. Being in Anya’s presence made her joke more and less somber.

“Sorry for imposing, I told Lexa that I could stay in a hotel…” overcame by her sudden shyness for her intrusion, Clarke wanted to explain.

“Nonsense, I’ve been waiting to be visited by friends after such a long time now. Plus, to maximize your stay in Bangkok, I suggest you remain in good company” Anya retorted. “Plus, it’s nice to see Lexa being a bit laidback for a while.”

The trio sat themselves on Anya’s sectional sofa by the living area. The living area opened into a huge picture window that showed the city’s skyline at night. The lights coming from the streets and the buildings glowed like starts in a dark canvas. Clarke was in deep thought, probably, after this trip, she should get her life together. She should get her own space, develop her portfolio again and start moving on from the past. Perhaps she’ll spend evenings like this, settled in her own space discussing concepts and gossip with her friends as the city’s neon skyline starts to set in. Also, she should possibly start treating Marcus better; he’s worked hard to be a parent for her after Abby passed.

While Clarke was deep in her musings, Lexa suddenly noticed one detail as she continued to catch up with Anya. Lexa was not mistaken; she definitely heard some rattling at the adjacent kitchen.

“Is someone else here?” Lexa questioned cautiously looking around from where she was seated.

“Oh, that’s my girlfriend, Raven.” Anya answered casually catching Lexa’s wide-eyed reaction.

Clarke’s other assumptions of Lexa and Anya’s relationship flew out the window.

* * *

 

 

The two pairs sat opposite each other on Anya’s six-seater dining table. They shared a meal of _Pad_ _Thai_ , _Tom_ _Yum_ _Goong_ and _Chicken_ _Satay_. To Lexa’s surprise, Raven was a gracious host; she kept making sure that everyone had their drinks refilled and to explain the various levels of spiciness of Thai food to Clarke.

“You see, I was not really into spicy food until I stayed here but now look at me I usually manage to add some chili into everything I eat.” Raven declared.

“As in everything you eat?” Clarke inquired with one eye-brow raised.

“Sure, from fruit snacks to ice cream, I get to add a bit of spice” Raven motions Clarke to look into the small bowl that she has beside her. “This is what people would call as ‘mouse dropping chili’, well, mainly because they are so small they look like mouse droppings but never underestimate this little fella” At this point, Raven bit the tip of the chili that she held and this has solicited no reaction from her. “Wanna try it?” Raven urged Clarke to take a piece from the small bowl of chili.

“I suggest you don’t give into her chili challenges, Clarke.” Anya warned.

“I got through the soup, maybe I can manage” in a flash Clark took one piece of chili from Raven’s bowl and decided to bite the tip off it like how Raven showed her. Lexa and Anya watched in dread for they had already predicted the outcome in their heads. Also, in a flash Clarke regretted her actions and Lexa was already prepared to go to the kitchen to look for a glass of milk.

“I told you not to give in” Anya laughed as she watched Clarke gulped down some water and later on accepted the milk that Lexa found.

“How did you survive that?” Clarke asked in between coughs.

“Some way to break the ice, eh, Clarke, thank you for trusting me, I think we are going to be fast friends” Raven joked.

After their eventful dinner, Anya decided to take Clarke and Lexa to venture some bars in the district. It was over 34 degrees centigrade outside and the women were dressed for a humid weather. Raven was in a white graphic tank top and acid washed shorts. Lexa decided to change into a cotton graphic band shirt and some tight dark jeans. While Anya still wore her rugged jeans and simply changed into a fresh tank top. Clarke, on the other hand, has managed to change into a casual ethnic print dress and some flat sandals. Walking around the busy streets of Bangkok, Lexa noticed how Clarke’s hair glowed beneath the neon lights of the various establishments. Anya and Raven walked ahead, looking once in a while to check if Clarke and Lexa were walking at a close pace behind them. Lexa observed Clarke was probably taking in most of her surroundings; therefore, she was not really paying much attention to where she was walking. As not to lose Clarke along the busy street, Lexa decided to grab her hand to guide her and this has caught Clarke’s attention.

“What are you thinking?” Lexa whispered as she paced slowly beside Clarke.

“That maybe travelling alone can be a bit liberating?” Clarke asserted.

“I see, I guess that’s because you’re amongst strangers?” Lexa countered.

“Well, not really, I’ve known you for a few days now” Clarke beamed.

“And you think that’s enough time to get to know me?” Lexa teased. “Have you seen _Taken_? Maybe my colleagues and I are just waiting for the exact time to get you into a human trafficking situation?”

“Yeah, says the human trafficker who uses the word ‘colleague’!” Clark snapped back.

As they chuckled in amusement; Lexa spotted Anya and Raven already seated in the al fresco area of one of the bars. Anya motioned for Lexa and Clarke to join them and Lexa forgot that she was still holding Clarke’s hand as they approached the couple; Anya unwarily took in the minute detail. 

* * *

 

 

Anya excused herself and Lexa from their table for a smoke not too far away from the bar’s al fresco area. Raven took the hint that Anya simply wanted to talk to Lexa alone, so she continued to divert Clarke’s attention by sharing some amusing anecdotes about her first year in Thailand. 

“I see that you took up smoking again?” Anya inquired as she took a hit from her cigarette.

“It’s easier to quit now, I could just turn my system on and off again” Lexa explained.

“Good for you, so enough small talk” Lexa noticed that Anya’s expression became sterner now “What’s the deal with Clarke?”

“Oh, Clarke, so we met at this puppet theater in Hanoi…” Lexa was starting with the same narrative that she shared over dinner earlier.

“I’m not asking about how you met, I already know that.” Anya took a deep sigh “What I’m saying is, are you into her, Lexa?” 

“I don’t know, An. I’ve only met her and things are a bit spontaneous and actually, she just broke up with her boyfriend” Lexa elaborated, Anya noticed that Lexa was now on a defensive mode. She would always cross her arms over her chest when she’s self-protective.

“C’mon Lexa, growing up, I know that you we’re always a sucker for those romantic comedies. Look, coming from me, this is quite a meet-cute waving it’s cute face in front of you! What are you afraid of?” Lexa almost laughed, she could not believe after long years of knowing the hard-headed and unyielding Anya, she would hear her utter words such as ‘meet-cute’.

Eliciting a confused stare from Lexa, Anya decided to proceed with her ramblings. “You see, among the three of us, I always thought that you were some sort of silver lining upon our dark clouds. Titus usually never identifies the good thing that’s in front of him because he’s always looking for more. In my case, I looked at love as some fragile thing that if I manage to get a strong grip on it, it would suddenly break. But you were always different Lexa, you never measured what you could give, you never doubted people at first glance” Lexa remained silent. “I knew that I wasn’t around for most of the time, especially with what happened with Costia. But that’s just one girl Lex, your only mistake was to pour out everything to her all at once, you never held back. There’s nothing wrong with you, it’s just, she doesn’t deserve you, and she doesn’t deserve any of it. You owe it to yourself, you deserve a chance.” Anya paused while Lexa stayed quiet, pondering on Anya’s words.

“I’m taking a chance with Raven, I guess I’m old enough to do that, right?” Anya joked.

“Yes, An, you’re old enough to do that. Are you giving me the pep talk or do you need a pep talk from me, now?” Lexa tried to joke around but she knew what Anya wants to hear. “Alright, I think I’ll just see where this goes with Clarke. It’s actually weird to hear you give me some sound advice after such a long time!” Lexa recounted.

“Don’t think I didn’t notice that hand-holding a while ago!” Anya teased. “I know when you are into deep, Lex. You’re a believer in destiny, in some girl meets girl chance encounter or cataclysmic phenomenon and you get caught in the crossfire and then boom, it’s her! You’ve even fallen for made-up signs since Costia but now, with Clarke, you need to read in between the lines here.”

“Wow! That’s some deep monologue coming from you. But you don’t get to be a seer one moment and then suddenly turn into an ass at the same moment!” Lexa counteracted, playfully pushing Anya by the shoulder.

“That’s because we’re missing the real ass, here. How is Ty, anyway?” Anya bantered.

“Last time I checked, he was sleeping with my real estate broker.” Lexa answered nonchalantly.

“I just hope he finally gets tired of his lifestyle and starts taking things seriously.” Anya contemplates.

“Yeah, I do hope so. Hey, I saw Gus before I left.”

“So how is he? Does Titus know about his vampire metaphor, already?”

“He’s fairing well and Ty knows about the metaphor, I told him” Lexa takes a deep breath. “Gosh, An, have you imagined that we’ll go this far since we’ve met?”

“What? This?” Anya motioned her hand in between her and Lexa. “Well, it was a long shot from an angsty and horny teenagers to finally finding someone who could talk me seriously and for you to finally find your ‘soul mate’” Anya emphasized the air quotes. “No, Lex, never in my wildest dreams.”

“Don’t keep your hopes up, Clarke may just see me as friend and nothing more, I don’t want to abuse that” Lexa warned in a somber tone.

“Well, friends can be soul mates, right?” Anya joked.

“Whatever you say, An” Lexa smiled, realizing that she was caught in one of Anya’s traps again.

The duo shared some momentary laughter and gave each other meaningful stares.

“I missed you, An. I missed this.” Lexa uttered.

“I missed you too, kid. Don’t worry, I’m not trying to make up for lost time but believe me when I say that things will start to shape up soon, okay?” Anya held Lexa by the shoulder.

“I hope so, An. Now, let’s go back to your girlfriend before she suspects that we are having an affair” Lexa mumbled as she broke away from Anya’s grip to motion them to head back to Raven and Clarke.

“Good talk, kid, good talk” Anya kept muttering as they headed back.

* * *

 

 

As Anya and Lexa were talking nearby, Raven tried to engage Clarke in some serious conversation, after she has realized that she has already shared so much about herself. They were taking shots and they were already on their third beers but Clarke still felt pretty clear-headed, probably because of the pace that they were at. With such a humid weather, Clarke was actually enjoying how icy cold their drinks were. 

“Hey Clarke, from one stranger to another, this could be a vague question. But what are you afraid of as of the moment?” Raven raised the question casually.

Without much thought, Clarke decided to answer Raven’s question. “Hmm, okay, from one stranger to another, I’m afraid of loss, I’m afraid of losing people in my life, how about you?” Clarke countered.

“So, that goes without saying that you’ve loss someone very dear?”

“Well, I lost my mom to the “Big C” and then someone very special in an accident.”

“I’m sorry” Raven realized the gravity of her question.

“But I’m getting there; I guess it was because I was so unprepared at that time. But it made me realize that we should not take time for granted, so do what you have to do and say what you need to say” Clarke spoke with a smile.

“That’s a good point; I wish the best for you”.

“How about you, Rae, what are you afraid of?”

“Probably, I’m afraid of giving myself away completely to someone and not getting the same thing in return.” Raven answered immediately.

“Wow, that’s quite specific, I guess I know what you mean. Sometimes we just give away everything all at once, not realizing that some people just end up getting overwhelmed”.

“Yeah, but I guess, I may be wrong sometimes” Raven pauses realizing something “You see what’s happening here, Clarke. This confirms my idea that sometimes it may be just so easy for us to talk to strangers because we start off with no biases” Raven points out.

“Indeed, now that we both know our fears, probably we are no longer strangers, Raven Reyes!” Clarke raised her beer bottle to motion a toast towards Raven.

“Amen to that Clarke Griffin!” and with that they shared a toast and drank simultaneously from their beers.

“But I hope that’s not the case with Anya” Clarke suddenly realized.

“No, I think she loves me too. But she’s never the first one to initiate anything; I just learned how to be patient as time goes by. Well, she has taken baby steps, just this morning, she asked me to be her girlfriend” Raven validates.

“Well, good things come to those who wait” Clarke pronounced.

“That’s the most cliché thing that you’ve said the entire evening!” Raven expressed her amusement.

“I see you guys are having fun” Anya finally interrupts as they return to their table.

Clarke and Raven share a knowing look as Anya and Lexa position more beers in front of them.

* * *

 


	15. Delicate

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa are a little bit awkward now, given that they see themselves in various uncompromising positions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's to making up for the long wait for the last updates. I'm uploading two chapters today, thank you for reading!

 

* * *

 

“I think I deserve something beautiful.”

 

_Elizabeth Gilbert, Eat, Pray, Love_

* * *

 

Lexa feels pain all over her body; her head throbs, her throat is dry and it’s as if she couldn’t feel any of her limbs. She slowly opens her eyes and adjusts to the darkness of the room. The sheets don’t smell familiar, the ceiling does not look familiar and the bed she’s sleeping on feels harder than her own. After much musing, it dawns at her, she’s in Bangkok and she’s sleeping on Anya’s Murphy bed between the kitchen and the living room. However, what panics her is the moment when she takes in that she could not feel any of her limbs. Hopefully thinking that she has not succumbed into a heart attack and is now astral projecting away from her body, she wiggles her toes. She feels her toes so she turns over and notices that there’s a bit of weight over her chest behind the blanket wrapped around her. Again, hoping that she’s not under any sleep state misperception, which has already happened several times whenever she gets stressed, wherein she would often find herself in a dream within a dream state, she wiggles her toes once more. Only to recognize a slim arm draped just right over her chest and a sea of blond hair flowing near her face. Beneath the stench of liquor and cigarette smoke Lexa could still make out the minty notes of Clarke’s shampoo. Not to be much of a creep but Lexa has shared a hotel room with Clarke and she has been acquainted with this familiar scent for some time now.

As Lexa tosses over slowly as not to wake Clarke, Lexa ponders upon the happenings of the past evening. Her blurry memory carefully recounts moving from one bar to another. The various bars that they’ve been to closed down at different hours, so they had to move to another one which closed up on a later hour and then another one and another one where they finally ended up until the wee hours in the morning. Lexa recalls having too much to drink until she simply reclined on Clarke’s shoulder as she and Raven droned on and on about various life experiences that they had with Anya merely listening in her own gratifying silence. Lexa can still recall some of the stories; such as the one when Clarke set fire to her high school’s art studio, the one when Raven got food poisoning from eating too much street food, the one when Anya had a random hookup and her wallet was stolen and the one when Raven and Anya took a shower with a bunch of elephants in a lake when they first visited Chiang Mai. It was an eventful night, if only she could stay in that memory forever. But whatever happens, this is trip that she’ll truly treasure, Lexa tells herself.

Clarke stirs in her sleep, snuggling further into Lexa. Suddenly, Lexa forgets about how parched her throat is, forgets about her slight headache and the numbness of her limbs. She recounts how she has ended up sharing a bed with Clarke.  

_They arrived in Anya’s loft trying to shush each other as they walked from the elevator lobby towards the unit, Raven still telling jokes. As they enter Raven walks in a beeline towards the toilet, complaining about how she was holding it for the last hour. Anya unceremoniously leads Lexa and Clarke to the made Murphy bed located between the wall of the kitchen and the living room._

_“Will this be okay, Clarke? Lexa can probably take the couch at the living room, I’ll go get more blankets” Anya directs towards the bed._

_“This is more than enough, An” Clarke bounces her drunken butt on the bed “Actually, Lexa and I can share!” Clarke declares._

_Lexa’s eyes widen, sure she has shared a hotel room with Clarke but they had separate beds at that time. Also, her attraction towards Clarke has been sinking in slowly, probably; being in a drunken state is not the best time to share a bed with Clarke._

_“Alright, then, less work for me” Anya chants, winking at Lexa, as she slowly exits leaving Clarke and Lexa to their own accord._

_“It’s okay Clarke, the couch looks comfortable enough” Lexa tries to escape her predicament._

_“Nonsense!” Clarke suddenly stands in a jolt and grabs Lexa with both hands pushing her towards the bed._

_If they were in a lesser drunken state or perhaps not trapped in an open plan space with their friends just a loft level above from where there were, Lexa would find this scene to be a bit tempting so to speak. However, she’s one to take advantage and they are not in any sound condition._

_“Okay, okay, which side would you want?” Lexa manages to recover from her lying down position to remove her shoes._

_“I’ll take the right side!” With that Clarke tosses her sandals aside, quickly ruffles through her backpack for a lose sleeping shirt and slides off from her dress to her shirt without even giving Lexa any warning._

_Bashfully, Lexa turns away but she can no longer erase the vision of Clarke’s body in her sports bra and tanga underwear. Lexa busies herself in collecting her own sleepwear as she rushed towards the toilet near the kitchen to change._

_Lexa walked back to where she left Clarke to remind her to brush her teeth before she falls asleep. But she has already arrived to a soundly sleeping Clarke locked in a fetal position hogging three-quarters of the bed space. Lexa was so amused at the sight before her that she just tossed a blanket over Clarke’s sleeping figure turned off the lights and carefully slid herself to fit in the meager space beside her.  
_

 

Lexa mentally scolds herself for being quite useless earlier. She could easily move to the couch once Clarke has fallen asleep. But she could get a bad stiffed neck or something and nobody wants that or well, she could admit that she wants to be in this position to begin with. _Does she?_ She realizes that she’s still wearing her wrist watch so she checks on the time with its small glowing feature, it’s only 5 o’clock in the morning, and about thirty minutes has passed until they decided to go home to Anya’s loft. The sun will be rising in a few hours, so Lexa decides to go back to sleep.

* * *

  

Clarke wakes up to the comfort of some softness; she slowly opens her eyes and reevaluates her position. The pillow is soft but that’s not it. The blanket around her torso seems fluffy but that’s not it either. To her horror, Clarke finally realizes where the sensation came from. She adjusted her gaze to where her arm is extended, she recognized the person’s back. Coiling brown hair, soft skin, and a serpent eagle tattoo on her nape; it’s Lexa. Lexa had her back against Clarke and Clarke was spooning Lexa with her left arm and she realized where the soft sensation was coming from. Clarke was very much cupping Lexa’s left boob! To her shock, Clarke was conscious enough to slowly remove her hold and not wake Lexa. Realizing what she had accidentally done—or was it intentional? Clarke questions herself, but recounts no memory of any other malicious physical interaction with Lexa. She examines their state and appreciates that they are both fully clothed.

Clarke carefully removes herself from the bed and once she was on an upright position, her headache starts to sink it. Everything around her seems to move; she slowly lifts herself from the bed and scolds herself internally as she does because she almost trips on the coffee table near the bed. Realizing that it was moved there intentionally, she spots a note in a messy scribble.

_“Hey weirdos,_

_Since it’s a Tuesday we had to leave for work. You were very cozy so we did not bother to wakr you. We left a set of spare keys and a keycard by the dining table and a goodie bag for both of you. Enjoy your vacation! Anya says sorry that we can’t tour you around for now. See ya later!_

_xoxo,_

_Raven”_

Clarke mentally scolds herself, of course, Anya and Raven might have probably seen them in that uncompromising position, but perhaps she’ll worry about that later. She can probably handle some teasing. Clarke sets the note back to the coffee table and heads for the dining table. She spots a few more notes in neon pink and reads them individually.

” _If you need food and water just grab anything from the fridge, the coffee make works, it just looks old. There’s also some aspirin at the cabinet above the sink.”_

_“The grocery across the building sells cheap sushi.”_

_“Don’t drink from the tap.”_

Clarke realizes that all these tiny notes are probably some of Raven’s scattered thoughts in the morning. Finally, she stumbles upon a pile of documents on top of the dining table with a note that read:

_“We drew a map; actually, we stole this from one of the hipster hostels. Here’s a detailed itinerary of how you can plan your walking tours around Bangkok. There are temples, museums, stores, restaurants and sites to visit. This should cover your daytime plans; we’ll take care of the evening festivities, xoxo.”_

On top of the pile, Clarke unfolds a poster-sized map with written notes on how to commute or walk from one place to another. The train stations are also marked on the map. Beneath it, Clarke found a notepad containing a list of must visit sites and restaurants in different districts in Bangkok. Also, attached to the package are brochures and magazine clippings of other things to do while in Bangkok. Clarke was deeply amused by how thorough Anya and Raven were. She has noticed that all the notes were written by Raven but Anya had probably thought of this detailed itinerary. Finally, having a friend over, she must be very excited to share the richness of the culture of the city where she’s spending years of her adult life in.

Clarke looks up the wall clock by the kitchen counter and sees that’s its only 7 o’clock in the morning. Clarke does not usually get very bad hangovers especially if she drinks moderately given her past tolerance with alcohol, she keeps telling herself, and that she just needs it to fall asleep. But probably, she should get over that addiction soon, slowly and carefully. She treads back to the makeshift bed space to rouse the still sleeping Lexa. But before she pats her on the shoulder, she realized that Lexa has somehow moved and the softness of the morning light illuminates the corners of her face. For a long time, Clarke has never seen anything so entrancing and gentle, she wonders if she could find a way to capture this moment. So, tolerating her mild headache, she searches for her small drawing pad and pencil from her bag and starts sketching.

* * *

 

 

Clarke was nearly done with her work when Lexa finally start to stir from her sleep.

Sleepy brilliant green eyes stared right back at her.”Hey, Lex” Clarke finally put down her pencil.

Lexa was awoken by the soft scratching sound of pencil on paper. When she opened her eyes, she realized that Clarke was seated on an armchair across her, her blond lock glowing as the sunlight hit her. “Good morning, Clarke.”

“Anya and Raven left some messages or should I say instructions?” Clarke immediately said disregarding her previous activity as she moved to put away her sketch book.

“Were you drawing me?” Lexa asked innocently.

“Probably” Clarke answered. “The morning light was nice.”

“So, that’s all you’re gonna say?” Lexa inquired some more.

“The light was nice, you were a good subject, and so I went for it” Clarke was grasping for words now.

“Can I see it?” Lexa teased.

“It’s not yet done” was Clarke’s only excuse.

“I’ve seen you sketch, you always finish your drawings” Lexa continued. “And after all that happened last night or rather this morning, you still manage to keep things from me? I don’t put out for nothing, Clarke.” Lexa gave Clarke a knowing look. Actually, she knew what was happening that morning and yes, she was half asleep when Clarke realized that she was groping her, but she pretended to be asleep for Clarke’s sake.

“What do you mean?” Slowly, it dawned on Clarke, Lexa had probably felt her grope her boob and Anya and Raven saw them in that position. Wide-eyed, Clarke exclaimed, “Oh my God, Lexa! I’msorryIdidn’tmeanImovedawaywhenIrealized…” Clarke was catching her breath.

Realizing that Clarke was having a mini panic attack from Lexa’s teasing, Lexa jumped to Clarke’s side to calm her.

“Hey, hey, it’s fine, I’m only teasing, I know you didn’t mean it” Lexa assured her in a composed tone.

“I’m really sorry, Lex. It’s not an excuse that I was drunk, I hope you didn’t feel that I took advantage. Ever since my friends at college found out that I was bi they would often joke around about it during sleepovers…” In her panic Clarke droned into a monologue and Lexa suddenly picked up that small detail.

“You’re bisexual?” Lexa quipped.

“I’ve been with men mostly but there were some moments with women.”

“Sure.”

“Does that change anything between us?” Clarke asks, too afraid of offending Lexa.

_“Everything, I think.”_ Lexa thinks to herself.

“We’re cool!” Lexa jolted back in reality. “As long as you show me that drawing, we’ll forget about that groping incident.” Lexa decides to joke to slice the thick air between them.

“Alright, then” Clarke manages to say to avoid further awkwardness. “But we have to go over Anya and Raven’s itinerary and notes after” Clarke warns as they both head towards the kitchen to prepare for their day on a much lighter note.

* * *

 


	16. Floating

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally end up with an important realization.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me thank those who have stuck around, sorry for the long wait. So many things happened early this year, mostly career-wise, I needed to catch up and get back on track. Anyway, here's another entry and it's a rather important chapter in the flow of the story. Again, thank you for reading, all errors are mine.

* * *

 

“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of, one you haven’t seen in a long time.”

_Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore_

* * *

 

Falling in love for the first time feels like a whirlwind, like a Ferris wheel ride that goes on and on. The anticipation of unpredictable movement, the sudden jolt of emotion as the wheel suddenly moves, the constant churning of the stomach as you are lifted from the ground, the gradual turning and finally the abrupt drop when the ride ends. The uncertainty and tentativeness just brings excitement into the experience. Lexa is very much familiar with all of these feelings; her memories of meeting Costia of the first time, being able to talk to her and at last kissing her for the first time was still fresh in her mind. At this point, Lexa finally laughs at the memory; scenes of their blissful days replaying in her mind. She recalled her impulsiveness, her recklessness, her selflessness; abandoning everything to Costia, all her first times, all her time. There comes a point in our lives when we finally get to sit down in silence and realize how thoughtless we have become of ourselves the moment we were engulfed by first love. Lucky are those who are each other’s first loves; they get to keep these remembrances in a positive light. But for those who were unfortunate; lucky are they when they finally recognize their growth through this experience. Then after months of being hurt and being mad, Lexa became conscious that she was probably indeed “moving on”. This is probably the one moment of clarity, when a person figures out that life goes on and we should focus on new experiences. At this point, the pain wasn’t relevant anymore, any reprisal was no longer important, Costia was nothing but a mere reminiscence- all the longing was gone. This was Lexa’s moment of clarity.

Lexa was consciously present at the moment before her.  She could feel the movement of the people along the busy streets of Bangkok. She could feel the sun on her skin. She could hear the honks of cars and the bawling crowd around her. Somehow she felt alive again. Lexa thought to herself: _It’s funny when you find time to stop for a while and see the world in constant motion, then you ask yourself- ‘where are we going’?_ At this point, despite her stillness, she felt like she was walking again, the endless days of unplanned activities had occurred. She walks around the streets, stops when something catches her eye, lingering to savor the moment. No one forces her to keep on moving, to plan the next event; Clarke would simply realize that she has stopped and would wait for her around the corner. This morning, she came under a tree at the grounds of the Grand Palace- shedding its leaves, letting go of everything, one by one, the wind carries the fallen leaves; nothing else mattered at the moment. Lexa observed the leaves, she needed to correct herself; they were not falling- they were floating. For a time, Lexa thought, _how do leaves keep themselves afloat for a while in midair?_ She always thought that they fell, just like that. But one leaf falls laterally- it drifts right through her plane of sight. She spent several seconds staring at the leaf as it floats- like a ballerina, seemingly weightless. She felt like she was meant to witness that moment, like it was her fate to be at that place at the exact moment. She catches the leaf with her shaking palm, she whispered a silent prayer- her mother once told her, _if a falling leaf falls onto your hand, keep it and make a wish._ Reminded by her childhood past time, she held on to that leaf. Now, it’s not simply a fallen leaf, but hope whispered into the rustling wind.  

Lexa ponders upon this moment as she tucked the fallen leaf into her journal notebook. She adjusted her glasses as she looked into the itinerary Raven and Anya drafted for them. She had run out of disposable contact lenses for the trip, so she decided to put on her glasses for the day. She recalls Clarke’s reaction when she saw her with that look as she exited the bathroom that morning. Clarke said she looked different, but _nice._ She was beginning to note down Clarke’s minute reactions to certain details. She wanted to know more about Clarke, she wanted to see where this- _what they have-_ was heading.

She was seated in a quaint coffee shop across the Victory Monument waiting for Clarke. Clarke wandered off to a nearby street corner simply telling Lexa to wait for her by their table. They were on their third day around the city; they went to museums and temples in the mornings and went to bars and night markets with Anya and Raven in the evenings. Clarke was a good traveling companion; she was never afraid to try new food or experiences, she was quick to finding her way around, and she worked her way around a foreign language, easily interpreting signs and sometimes making a laugh out of the unusual ones. Lexa’s thoughts drifted to Clarke- the enthusiastic, mysterious and magnanimous Clark. She had only known Clarke for weeks. _How can a stranger suddenly feel so familiar?_

“Hey, I’m back!” Clarke snapped Lexa back from her trance. 

“What did you need to do this time, something that does not require my presence?” Lexa teased.

“Look what I got.” Clarke waved two tickets in front of Lexa.

“Please stop flailing your arm so I can see…” Lexa grabbed Clarke’s wrist, took the tickets and inspected them closely.

Lexa did not expect what Clarke had bought. Clarke had two tickets to the Bangkok Traditional Puppet Show at the nearby Aksra Theater at 6:30 that evening.

“You like it? I saw the posters when we passed by earlier and figured it would be a good thing to somehow reminisce how we first met.” Clarke explained nervously.

“You talk as if we had been together for a long time.” Lexa blurted out without thinking. Then suddenly she realized that she has somehow implied that they were “together”.

“Well, I just wanted to thank you.” Clarke answered bashfully, Lexa was glad that she did not catch on what Lexa implied.

“Thank me for what?” Lexa was baffled about what Clarke meant.

“Probably, by popping out of nowhere, well, actually in the middle of Hanoi and eventually making everything else seem better.” Clarke explained without looking directly at Lexa.

Both Clarke and Lexa knew how much it meant to them having to meet each other unexpectedly, but at certain times, they just couldn’t put their feelings into words.

“Hmm, tickets to a show? Are you asking me out on a date, Clarke?” Lexa decided to joke to make the moment less awkward.

“Well, are you up for it? I mean, are you up for a date?” Clarke finally asked pretending to close her eyes to express her anticipation of Lexa’s positive answer.

“Hmm, seeing that I probably don’t have anything better to do than get drunk with Anya and Raven for the past evenings then it’s probably a ‘yes’.” Lexa answered suddenly becoming more self-conscious.

“Of course, as if we have anything better to do.” Clarke beamed.

* * *

 

Earlier that evening, both Clarke and Lexa received raised eyebrows from Anya and Raven when they told them that they planned to spend the evening alone. The couple somehow managed create an ensemble of their best supposedly “date night” outfit from their backpacks. Lexa put on a black sleeveless linen dress with a mandarin collar and a pair of strappy brown sandals that she got from Anya’s wardrobe to match the frame of her glasses; she tied her hair up in a loose bun. Clarke donned a white silk tunic with blue ethnic pattern embroidery and a pair of dark jeans and flat heeled Roman sandals. Both dressed up and eager to spend more time together; they exited the cab from Anya’s apartment hand in hand. Clarke suddenly realized that she has never imagined her first ‘formal’ date to take place in a foreign country with a person that she has simply met by chance. Of course, Clarke has been with several people before, but this was the first time for her to arrange a date and actually ask someone out. With Murphy, everything was mostly circumstantial; they simply went to the same art shows having been invited by mutual friends, watching a movie simply to have fun or to criticize it or going to concerts because they like the same bands. With Bellamy, everything was spontaneous; Clarke has made many rash decisions out of her own angst and Bellamy was simply there to indulge. But with Lexa, she felt like everything fell into place easily; everything seemed composed, it was spur-of-the-moment but unrushed. It was exactly how she felt when they exited the theatre, still holding hands. 

“The details on the workmanship of the puppets were so intricate” was the first thing that Lexa said as they strolled out of the theatre building. “The wooden puppets are probably heavy though, it took three puppeteers to move one” Lexa added.

“Growing up, the only puppets I knew were the squishy ones. Now, I do have a different appreciation for puppeteers.” Clarke supplemented.

“Thank you for taking me out to see this show.” Lexa smiled. 

“Well, I wanted to see it for my own benefit; I just wanted to have someone sensible around.” Clarke joked.

“So, where to next? Got anything else in mind?” Lexa asked.

“Hmm, I’m craving for something, how about heading to Khao San Road?" Clarke suggested.

“Of course, Anya never took us there because she says it’s overrated” Lexa snickered. After spending a long time in Bangkok, Lexa took note that Anya never brought them to the typical tourist spots, whenever they went together. She and Clarke usually went to the touristy spots on their own.

“Plus, that’s where Leo started with his expedition in ‘The Beach’, remember?” Clarke justified.

“The New Yorker writer Susan Orlean dubbed it was ‘the place to disappear’ but I suppose, Leo DiCaprio is reason enough to go there” Lexa chuckled at the thought.

“So what do you say, Lexa, ready to disappear with me?” Clarke insinuated with a wink and with that they hailed a cab to their destination.

* * *

Steam from a pan on top of a searing hot charcoal stove hit Clarke and Lexa’s faces as they patiently waited for their stir-fried noodles. Clarke was craving for Pad Thai; she yearned in silence as the street peddler prepared a mixture of noodles, radish, beansprouts, peanuts, dried shrimp and egg, seasoned with palm sugar and chilies.  Khao San Road was not only illuminated by the neon lights of the buildings but also lined with a colorful array of various street food. Clarke’s senses were assaulted by various colors, textures and aromas of the food around them. Earlier, Lexa provided Clarke with a small tour of various Southeast Asian exotic fruits that they saw on the streets. Colorful slices of fresh fruits packaged in small transparent plastic bags included pineapples, watermelons, papayas, guavas, rose apples, lychees, ripe and green mangoes, jackfruits and the infamous durian known for its odd smell. Other stalls sold pork dumplings, sausages, vermicelli noodles, curry and roti, and Tom Yum soup. Lexa also showed Clarke that if you were adventurous enough there were stalls selling something more exotic. The couple stumbled upon a push cart selling fried grasshoppers, giant water bugs (that looked like cockroaches), crickets, silk worms and bamboo worms. Typically, these delicacies were seasoned with salt, soy sauce, pepper, kaffir leaves, leeks or chilies. For the less faint of heart, crispy and juicy scorpions, spiders, and ant queens were also available. Realizing that Clarke’s taste buds were not up for a ‘Simba, Timon and Pumba’ diet; the couple followed the aroma of the stir-fried noodles in peanut sauce. Clarke and Lexa took their plates of steaming Pad Thai on one of the low tables lined up along the side of the road.

“Sorry I didn’t bring you to an upscale restaurant on our first date” Clarke whispered as she opened a can of local beer to match her meal.

“What makes you think that I’m that type of girl? I’ve travelled many parts of the world, Clarke, been to many places, sampled different meals. I live for this type of comfort!” Lexa stated as she proceeded to mix her serving of noodles with its sauce and toppings with a pair of chopsticks.

“So, I suppose you’re pretty low maintenance, then?” Clarke joked.

“Let’s just say that I’m always up for something new and shiny things don’t necessarily convince me” Lexa retorted.

“Then I guess, we won’t be having any issues in this department in the future” Clarke chortled as she proceeded to take a crispy bite of her meal.

“Yeah, I suppose” Lexa smiled.

The couple dined in relative silence, savoring their meals in hearty pleasure. They talked about the other local food that they should try while in Bangkok. They observed the various groups and couples that passed by, trying to come up with cliché profiles of their fellow travelers. Lexa talked about the most bizarre meals that she had had when she was working. Clarke recalled her past gastronomic adventures with her family. The couple went back and forth, sharing details of themselves as they finished their meal. Lexa felt that it was the most natural thing; a sea of people floating past them whilst they remain in the shelter of their personal bubble. For a while, she knew that she was alone; but she was not lonely at all. For, she was alone with Clarke.

“So, what happens after this?” Lexa suddenly asks, adjusting her glasses on top of her nose bridge.

“Well, do you have any other place in mind?” Clarke looked at her wrist watch, it was getting late but Bangkok was still lively maybe Lexa had another destination in mind.

“No, I mean…after this trip? What are you planning to do?” Lexa explained her eyes searching into Clarke’s for answers.

“Maybe I’ll get back to work, finish some paintings, I really don’t know, Lex” Clarke replied hesitantly. She knew that Lexa was somehow expecting for a certain answer, so she continues “But I do want to see more of you.”

Lexa’s face lighted up, Clarke knew that she gave the right answer. She knew in her gut that they were both looking into something more into this new friendship.

“How about you, Lex?” Clarke added.

“Well, I guess I’m done wandering or wondering rather. What do you think Clarke, you think it’s time to head home?” Lexa inquired, her tone somewhat contented.

“Back at Anya’s?” Clarke clarified.

“No, I mean, I think I’m ready to ‘go home’ now” Lexa emphasized.

At that note, Clarke knew what Lexa meant exactly. Yes, she was ready too. She was ready to go back to her own studio, to sleep in her own bed, in her own house. She instantly fantasized of an afternoon with Lexa snuggled in a sofa reading a book, doing grocery shopping and cooking together, painting or waking up next to each other. In fact, she couldn’t wait.

“Yes, Lexa, I’m ready to go home too.”

* * *

 


	17. Resolve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It has been two weeks since Lexa and Clarke both returned home. They were slowly getting back into their old routine and new preoccupations. However, as they progressed into their own lives they were also somewhat bothered by the sudden ‘white noise’ between them.

* * *

“Sometimes I see something so moving I know I’m not supposed to linger. See it and leave. If you stay too long, you wear out the wordless shock. Love it and trust it and leave.”

_Don DeLillio, Underworld_

* * *

 

Lexa adjusted the frame of the last artwork that she needed to hang on the wall. For the past week since her return with Clarke from Bangkok, Lexa has busied herself by rearranging stuff in her life starting with her new flat. They had spent three more days in Bangkok for Anya’s after that night at Khao San Road. When they separated at the airport Lexa told Clarke that she might get preoccupied once she starts decorating her new place, and indeed she was. It was more spacious that the previous apartment that she shared with Costia. This one had two bedrooms and enough space for a workspace and a small utility room that she has converted into a dark room. From time to time Lexa would take portraits and scenes in the city using her old film camera. Her mentor has taught her darkroom photography techniques and she would sometimes immerse into this traditional method when she had the time.

The first thing that she did was to repaint the walls with neutral white and grays with accents of red. The walls of the apartment were set up like a gallery, with the help of Titus, Lexa has installed new ambient and general lighting, including wall washers and track lighting. Her next favorite part of the new flat was her kitchen. The fire wall was cladded with brick and this gave the space a rustic character. She hanged pots, pans and spatulas from a pot rack above the island counter. One resolution that Lexa had when she returned was to prepare more meals and eat healthier and this new kitchen might help. She even installed a mini-bar for entertaining guests. Her workspace and living area featured a wide modern mahogany table flanked by six upcycled mismatched chairs; this space was meant for spreading out prints and other materials. As a small project, she decoupaged one accent wall with copies all her published works. Opposite this wall was a shelf made of tubular metal and wooden boards which housed all her books and a 54-inch television set. The most comfortable piece of furniture in her living area was a Chesterfield sofa with a soft fleece throw.

The new flat was finally taking shape; Lexa felt more and more at home. A small balcony adjacent to her bedroom even allowed for a few outdoor furniture pieces or an urban herb garden. Lexa has spent days working on her new space that she never realized how she has somehow disconnected from Clarke. They did immediately talk when they got home, any interaction was limited to a few text messages the past week and a phone call to simply check in how each of them was coping so far. Lexa was in deep thought; she supposed that she was not all to blame because she told Clarke that she needed to focus in setting up her apartment for a while. On the other hand, Clarke did not really interact with her beyond their text messages. Lexa assumed that Clarke was probably busy settling her own issues as well. Later on, she could probably use her housewarming party as an excuse to see Clarke again. It’s not that they had ended things in a blur when they got home, it’s just probably that they are taking their time to get back to their routines once again- well, Lexa was sure that that’s exactly what she’s been doing. However, she has promised herself that after she has set up everything, she would continue to pursue Clarke or maybe figure out if Clarke’s still interested in dating.

Standing in the hallway between the kitchen and the living room, Lexa’s musings were disrupted by Titus’ booming voice.

“So, this here is the kitchen and here’s Lexa in her elegant overalls and braided hair” Titus re-enters the hallway from the guest room, he was in his work clothes: faded cut-off shorts, a tan pocket short-sleeved t-shirt and a pair of dark blue loafers. He was speaking to his phone; he was Skyping with Anya giving her a virtual tour of Lexa’s new apartment. “Say ‘hi’, Lexa” Titus tilted the phone’s camera to Lexa’s direction so Anya can see her.

Lexa gave a small wave and a smile and grabbed the phone from Titus. “Hi An, how are you?”

“Everything’s fine, I’m just checking in, I see that your new place is set up?” Anya voice rumbled from the phone’s loud speaker.

“Yup, Titus and I moved my stuff before I left to travel, we’re just putting everything in order.”

“I’m glad things are shaping up...” Anya pauses and Raven muffled voice emerges from in the background. “Oh, Rae says she likes what you did with that decoupaged accent wall”

“Thanks Rae, send my regards, An.” Lexa replied.

“And mine too!” Titus butts in, throughout the span of their remodeling project, Lexa and Titus just talked about Lexa’s trip and snippets about Anya, Raven and of course, Clarke. Lexa made sure that Titus was updated with Anya and Raven’s relationship and her and Clarke’s backstory as well. Titus teased Lexa that what happened between her and Clarke seemed like something off the movies and Lexa was just bluffing. But Anya eventually confirmed Lexa’s narrative.

“Rae sends her regards to both of you too. Oh, by the way, Lexa, I’ll be off the grid for a few months. I’ll be doing some field work for my research, I might be able to contact you guys from time to time, if there’s cell reception in the area. But don’t be alarmed if I won’t be able to get in touch with you guys for a while. Just message Rae if you need anything.”

“Copy that!” Lexa and Titus replied in unison.

“Also, how are things with Clarke? You have never mentioned her since…” Anya inquired.

“I bet she’s fine” Lexa cut in. “We’ve been exchanging messages here and there but we haven’t really seen each other when I started setting up here.” Lexa explained.

“Well, I suppose you both need to take your time to get back on track but don’t take too long. Don’t let her out of your grasp, I think she’s a keeper.” Another muffled sound came from Raven. “Well, we both think she’s a keeper.” Anya added. 

“I think so too, that’s what I’ve been telling her these past few days. I even asked her to invite Clarke over when we started painting the place. I could have used some help, plus, I probably got to know a new artist” Titus chimed in. 

“Don’t you think it’s too soon to involve her right away? I just wanted to set everything up first” Lexa defended.

“Well, decorating may be too personal to you, Lexa. But I think you’ve done more intimate things with her already…” Lexa was about to defend herself once more, but Anya quickly finished her statement. “I mean traveling alone with her and sleeping in the same hotel room seems cozier. What I’m saying is, make sure that you don’t give her the wrong impression.”

“Point taken, I’ll invite her over soon. But probably not after another date first.” Lexa conceded.

“Make a move, Lexa, I better hear more progress when I get back from my field work. Keep an eye on her, Ty.” Anya warned the duo. “Anyway, got to go, the girlfriend has prepared dinner, love you both!”

“We love you too!” Lexa and Titus sing-songed in unison.

As the call with Anya ended, Titus went to the living room to grab Lexa’s phone from the coffee table.

“Well, I have my marching orders, call her” Titus tossed the phone to Lexa prompting her to call Clarke.

“What do I say? What if she’s not interested anymore?” Lexa moves around in panic.

“C’mon, we’re done decorating, you can even invite her over right now.” Titus prompts Lexa.

“Alright…” As Lexa attempts to dial Clarke’s number the doorbell unexpectedly rings. “Are we expecting someone?”

Titus jolts upright suddenly remembering something. “Oh yeah, that must be Gus.”

“As in Gustus? I didn’t invite him over, unless…” Lexa follows Titus as he heads towards the main door and finally pieces everything together.

Lexa was still in the dark with how things had progressed between Gustus and Titus when she left. Observing that Lexa had a lot to talk about throughout the span of their decorating project, Titus never found the right timing to talk about himself. He told himself that this reconciliation with Gus was undoubtedly to focus on their friendship but realistically, Titus realized that he was probably yearning for something more. Since the day that he had that conversation with Gustus; he has never been with anyone else nor has he touched the dating application in his phone. He had actually deleted the said application, trying to focus on the simple things now. After all, months from now, he’ll finally know if he needs to start counting his waking days. He has never told Lexa about his fears yet; only Gustus knows so far. Plus, he has anonymously told his past partners to get tested; again, only Gustus knows. So, with this present progress in their reconnection, he has simply decided to invite Gustus over to surprise Lexa.

“I invited him, asked him to bring in some pizza and beers.” Titus smiled.

“Is there something you’re not telling me?” Lexa asked in arms akimbo.

“Well, let’s just say that we have something to talk about for the rest of the evening.”

* * *

 

It was a relief to be back in her studio again. Clarke collected all the studies that she has done and pinned all these sketches on the cork board in her studio. She had finished several watercolor drawings since then. Each time she redraws a scenery from her travels with Lexa, she can’t help but be reminded of the feeling when they stood in front of these vistas together. It was early in the afternoon and Clarke was finishing a painting of Bayon temple, she remembered the warmth of that day, and of course, the warmth of Lexa’s company. It has been two weeks since they arrived from Thailand and Lexa told her that she’ll be spending some time setting up her new apartment. Clarke wanted to offer her help but she figured that she needed to sort out some things first. She started by reorganizing her studio which eventually lead to the urge of working on the watercolor paintings. The first one that she did was that of the hasty sketch that she has done of Lexa in Anya’s apartment. When she finished the painting, she hid it right away; too conscious of Marcus’ probable probing.

Since she returned, she has earned a lot of attention from her step-father. He would drop by her studio as she worked during the day. Taking a look at some of the studies on her board as he took his morning coffee and eventually retreating without a word. But in the afternoons, he would usually prepare a snack for Clarke and simply leave it on her desk by the door. Clarke didn’t even find the reason to attack him in any manner, she remained focused in her work. She has actually felt that her step-father had been more at ease at watching her work and making sure that she doesn’t starve. After checking on Clarke, Marcus would eventually return to his own workspace and create schemes on his computer or drafting board. These scenarios actually went on for days, both of them actually being deeply immersed in their work. Clarke was less hostile now, she could probably say that she has matured a bit. She wasn’t as childish around Marcus and she did not feel any insecurity towards her status with Lexa. She feels that after weeks of being out there, they both needed some time to let their musings and feelings brew. She wants to be more mindful now and less rash.

Clarke’s contemplations were suddenly broken with a soft knock on the door.

“Hey, Clarke, may I come in?” Marcus approached her cautiously.

Typically, Clarke would react negatively whenever Marcus was in her space but she has felt that there was no point to continue being unreceptive around him. After all, Marcus was the only family she had left and somehow, she missed him when she was gone.

“Hey, come in.” Clarke replied faintly.

“Just wanted to check up on you. I see that you have been painting intensely lately. You never said anything about your trip.” Marcus sat on the armchair next to Clarke’s stool.

“Sorry about that, I was just in the mood to work on these right away.” Clarke motioned towards the sketches on the board.

“Yeah, I see, I suppose you’ve seen beautiful things. I never knew that Bellamy had it in him to take you to these places.” Marcus stood up and examined Clarke’s sketch of the rice paddies of Tam Coc closely.

“These places were captivating indeed. But I didn’t go with Bell, we parted ways at the first leg of our trip. I realized that we were so different, so I broke up with him. We went our separate ways, actually.” Clarke decided to omit the cheating part as not to illicit any violent reaction from Marcus. After all, she wanted nothing to do with Bellamy anymore.

“Huh, I figured. But I don’t understand, this means that you went on your own? You could have told me Clarke…what if…” Before Marcus could go on his preaching dad mode, Clarke cut him off.

“Actually, I was not alone, I met someone…” Clarke interrupted.

“You met someone?” Marcus probed.

“Before Bellamy and I parted ways, I met this girl at Hanoi. Her name’s Lexa, she’s from Polis. When things got bad with Bell, I continued my trip with Lexa. She showed me around Vietnam, Cambodia and Thailand. Actually, remember all those Polis Travel and Living articles that you used to read? Well, let’s say I met the writer, she wrote those articles. It met Alexandria Woods, dad, and we became friends.” Clarke explained, in her sudden excitement, did not notice using the title ‘dad’ with Marcus again, it just came out naturally.

“Wow, what can I say, Clarke, it has been a while since you last called me ‘dad’” Marcus noted timidly.

“I’m sorry for being such a brat; I was in pain but I did not recognize that you were in pain too. I just hope things will get better now, after all, we have each other, still” Clarke apologized coyly, finally admitting to her own faults.

“It’s okay, Clarke, I understand, it was not easy for you, your mom and John. But I’m glad that we are finally trying, at least.” Marcus moved and gave Clarke a side hug.

“Thank you for sticking around” Clarke nuzzled into the hug.

“I’m just glad you knew better than to waste your time with that mop head boy” Marcus joked to make the mood lighter. “So, you said you met a Polis Travel and Living writer, eh? And you kept it from me for days?”

“Why don’t we go get some tea and I could tell you all about my trip, it’s time for a break anyway” Clarke stood up and lead Marcus towards the kitchen.

* * *

 

Later than evening, Clarke was at the living room watching a documentary about Andy Warhol with Marcus when her phone suddenly rang. Clarke fumbled for her phone on top of the side table and was surprised when she saw the caller ID.

“Sorry, dad, I need to get this” Clarke excused herself from her step-dad.

Marcus nodded and continued to watch attentively as Clarke stepped into the adjacent deck facing their backyard.

“Hey, Lexa” she answered softly.

“Hello, Clarke, how are you?” Lexa struggled to mask the nervousness from her voice on the other end of the line.

“I’m good, been working a bit.”

“That’s great, I haven’t heard from you in a while, I thought you decided to disappear on me." 

“Sorry about that, I figured that you were busy as well.”

“Oh, I apologize for my silence too, I got caught up with some stuff.”

“Yeah, I remember, you told me you were furnishing your new place.”

“Yes, that’s it, but we’re done now. I got some help from my friend.”

“I suppose it went well?" 

“Of course, so about that, I actually called to see if you might consider coming over to see it for yourself?”

Clarke paused to think for a while, pondering if this was a big step to take. But come to think of it, she has already spent a lot of time with Lexa. She has even groped her accidently once, why does it feel difficult to see her again? It felt like Clarke was afraid of the unknown and she’s putting off every opportunity with Lexa for the next day. But the signs that Lexa were showing seems pretty clear, that she’s interested in her. Then what makes her seem so damn afraid?

“Clarke…Clarke are you still there?” Clarke realized that Lexa was still waiting for her response.

“Yeah, I can come over...I guess” Clarke answered weakly still engrossed in her thoughts “Uh, when exactly?”

“Actually, I have a couple of friends over right now and I’m thinking if you’re not too busy, maybe you could join us for dinner? We’re celebrating and we just finished all the work today” Lexa explained.

“Today? As in right now?” Clarke panicked.

“If it’s not much of a bother but if it’s any inconvenience, then we could probably schedule some other time” Lexa responded dejectedly.

“Well, I can actually still make it…just that I’m back at Arkadia and it might take me about 45 minutes to drive there” Clarke clarified.

“Oh, I see…but we’ll be cleaning up for about an hour or more, so, I think you can still make it by 7pm?” Lexa asked hopefully.

Realizing that she might indeed have enough time to prepare, Clarke made a decision.

“If you say so, sure, I’ll be right over by seven” Clarke finally affirmed.

“That’s great then…uh, see you then!” Clarke could sense the delight in Lexa’s voice. 

“Er, Lexa, don’t forget to text me the address, okay? Bye!” Clarke reminded Lexa.

“Of course, on it! Bye!” Lexa ended the call in a hurry.

Sensing that she needed to rush, Clarke suddenly zoomed back into the house to her room, past a very confused Marcus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I guess I've posted two chapters consecutively to make up for the lost time. Thank you for reading!


	18. Interchange

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As not to reveal the entire plot of this chapter, here's a trigger warning: some smut ahead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am so sorry for the long break prior to this update. I've been meaning to update earlier but my laptop suddenly had issues and I needed to have it repaired or will replace it soon. Good thing, I have all my notes backed up, thank you for waiting patiently for this update. Let me know what you think!

 

* * *

“There was nowhere to go but everywhere, so just keep on rolling under the stars.”

 

_Jack Kerouac, On the Road_

* * *

 

 

Lexa’s new kitchen sink was already filled to the brim. Two empty bottles of shiraz stood by the countertop ready for recycling. More than a dozen bottles of stout were neatly lined across the kitchen nook. The group has moved from Lexa’s dining table down to the more comfortable Chesterfield sofa and armchairs around the coffee table. The apartment was dimly lit with faint warm light from the wall sconces and low jazz music played in the background. The room was filled with a rhythm of soft voices, clinking glassware and the occasional boisterous laughter. For the first time in a long time, Lexa felt like she was at Christmas dinner. She felt warm and relaxed, especially now that an amiable blonde was cackling hysterically beside her after Gustus has shared some of his on-the-job shenanigans. 

“…and so I thought it was an avocado garnish, so I took the entire blob and stuffed it directly onto my mouth” Gustus went on with his anecdote.

“But little did he know that it was wasabi paste and soon enough he was running to the bathroom to rinse his mouth” Titus finished retelling the story for him with a chuckle. 

Soon, the trio filled the room with boisterous laughter once more. Lexa having heard the story several times just sat there and smile, observing her friends interact.

“Oh dear, is that the time” Gustus suddenly checked his wristwatch. 

Lexa looked at the wall clock and realized that it was already ten minutes past midnight.

“I have an early interview tomorrow, Lex. I think it’s time to hit the road” Gustus downed the remaining contents of his beer and fumbled for his car keys.

“Are you sure you should be driving?” Clarke asked a little bit worried.

“Don’t worry, I’ll take him home. I just had a couple of glasses of wine” Titus interjected grabbing the car keys from Gustus. “I’ll just pick up my car tomorrow, Lex”.

Lexa loved the fact that Titus and Gustus were getting along once more. For whatever reason, they had for doing so, Lexa did push for it this evening, that is probably going to be a topic for another day. But she was glad that they were in amicable terms again.

“How about you Clarke? You shouldn’t be driving in your condition as well” Gustus noted.

“Oh, I think I’ll stay a bit and help Lexa clean up…and maybe take some coffee or tea?” Clarke looked at Lexa tentatively.

Lexa realized that she would suddenly be alone with Clarke once again. For most of the evening, Clarke has been spending the time getting to know Gustus and Titus. So, she and Lexa really never had the chance to address the awkwardness between them.

“Sure…you should sober up before you go” Lexa responded right away.

“Alright, we’ll get going then. It was great to meet you, Clarke” Gustus hugged Lexa and Clarke individually and headed towards the door.

“I’ll go take that plastered being home, ‘till we meet again, Clarke” Titus moved to embrace Clarke. Then he slowly moved towards Lexa who stood by the door giving her a knowing look. “Don’t do anything that I wouldn’t do” Titus winked at Lexa after he kissed her goodbye on the cheek.

“See you tomorrow” He exclaimed as he faded towards the hallway following the heavy footsteps of Gustus.

Lexa took a deep breath that she didn’t realize she was holding once she closed the door behind the couple. She was stunned by the scene that she saw when she re-entered the living area. Clarke was standing at the vestibule looking at the decoupaged wall enumerating most of Lexa’s published works. Her blonde hair glistened under the illumination of the track lights, her eyebrows were furrowed in deep thought, her lower lip tucked beneath the upper. Lexa was so captivated by the scene, she reminded herself of how attracted she was to Clarke. It is in the most mundane moments that one realizes their genuine attraction to another person and this was it for Lexa.

“I always thought you were good but never thought you were that good” Clarke broke Lexa’s trance.

“Hah, don’t you find that wall a little bit narcissistic?” Lexa tried to calm herself with self-deprecating humor.

“Well, then, when you see my studio I might be Narcissus personified” Clarke joked.

“So, when do I get to see your studio?” Lexa asked as she moved closer to where Clarke stood.

Probably, it was during the moment that Clarke was suddenly reminded of their past predicament.

“So, this is how we are going to do it? We’ll moved around in circles slowly until we get there?” Clarke suddenly felt the urge to address the elephant in the room.

“What do you mean?” Lexa was never straight to the point; she was always careful and she wanted to hear it from Clarke.

“This, Lexa” Clarke pointed at the space between them moving her arm back and forth. “This realm of uncertainty between us…”

Lexa didn’t know what occurred to her or what prompted her but hearing something as profound as “the realm of uncertainty” from Clarke has deeply provoked her to do something. So, without any question or doubt, she moved to close the gap between them by grabbing Clarke by the waist and initiated a quick but lingering peck on Clarke’s lips and she was still in the verge of saying something more.

“I usually don’t interrupt people when they are talking but by far that was one of the sexiest things that I have ever heard” Lexa spoke gently as she maintained her grip on Clarke with their faces only about an inch apart. “So, does that answer your question?”

“For future reference, I don’t like being interrupted but if it’s going to be something like that then I suppose I should think of more semi-profound things to throw at you” Clarke replied as she eyed Lexa’s lower lip. 

With that being said, Clarke captured Lexa’s lip with hers this time. The kiss was open-mouthed but ardent, slow but gratifying, and sensual but affectionate. It brought Lexa weak to her knees, she felt like she couldn’t hold Clarke’s weight on her any longer. Lexa slowly withdrew from the kiss and opened her eyes only to see a very stirred Clarke. They stared at each other’s face for a while, searching for some assurance that they both gave and received.

“Been wanting to do that for quite a while now” Clarke finally broke the silence. 

“The moment you “accidentally” groped me, I knew it all along” Lexa joked with air quotes.

“You will never let that pass, will you?” Clarke was giggling light-heartedly now.

“Never” Lexa chuckled into Clarke’s shoulder.

“As much as I admire the work that you have done to this hallway, shouldn’t we move somewhere more comfortable?” Clarke implied and with that the couple shared a knowing look.

 

 

* * *

 

The sole illumination in Lexa’s room came from the radiance of a desk lamp on her bedside table. Clarke’s heart was thumping fast; she has never felt this unreserved in such a long time. Articles of clothing were scattered all over the parquetry of Lexa’s bedroom floor. The light drones of lounge jazz music played from the living room reached the bedroom. Clarke laid there quietly with her eyes closed as she felt Lexa explore every inch of her form. Lexa drifted over her skin like soft silk, smattering light kisses as she went along. Clarke felt like she was being sketched; dot by dot, line by line Lexa studied her. Lexa lingered over her breasts, sucking on each one until her nipples became hard. Clarke was aware of the softness of Lexa’s fingertips, Lexa traced her with her breath; Clarke was dying with anticipation. Clarke felt again; this was unrushed, tentative but careful, and withdrawn but contemporaneous. This was how it felt to be with someone again.

Lexa moved towards Clarke’s nether region and clutched on both her thighs to prompt her to spread her legs wider. Clarke made room for Lexa, she could feel her soft breathing hovering above her being. Clarke was dying inside with eagerness, she just wanted Lexa to ravage her until she pleads. But this was not the case, for the first time, she was in control, they were both in control. Soon, Lexa placed her right palm down on Clarke’s glassy mound. Clarke gave out a small cry.

“Just tell me if you get uncomfortable” Lexa whispered beneath her. Clarke could only answer with a nod.

Slowly, Lexa nipped at her already sensitive bud. With two fingers, Lexa gently lingered around her lower lips, moving back and forth with two fingers forming a “v” positioned on the sides of her clit to her entrance. Clarke could only let out a long moan as she raised her hips upward towards Lexa. Then suddenly, Lexa moved to grab both her thighs and started to puff directly onto her now glistening folds. Without warning, Lexa darted her soft tongue from the bottom going up, then forming slow circles over Clarke’s clit before finally fencing around her opening. Clarke almost came undone, coaxing Lexa to continue and to move further within her.

Before Clarke would reach her peak, Lexa suddenly moved to change their position. Lexa rolled over and got on top of her, she pulled Clarke knee bent as she rubbed herself against Clarke’s thigh. Clarke felt Lexa’s arousal coating her left thigh, her hardened nub stuck out as she rode her. Lexa grabbed Clarke by the hips, she held onto the cavities around her pelvic region, to bring them closer to each other.

“Together” Lexa murmured onto Clarke’s ear.

Clarke positioned her right foot perpendicularly towards the wall where one side of the bed was flanked. Gaining more balance, Lexa positioned herself on top of Clarke, bringing their clits together. In low light, green eyes met blues, as they rubbed their wetness together. Clarke felt her orgasm building fast and due to Lexa’s intensified pace, she could tell that she was experiencing the same thing. In a sudden jolt both women finally reached their peak. To Clarke, it was a sudden ringing noise, everything else was void, she was simply feeling Lexa. Panting and catching their breaths, they both rode out their first orgasm for the night as the lights flickered and their realms trembled.

 

 

* * *

The speckles of harsh light passed through the wooden blinds and Lexa slowly opened her eyes and observed her surroundings. It was not the first time wherein she would often find herself questioning where she was. As she slowly came to her senses, she realized that she was in her own bed, draped in her own sheets, in her own bedroom. She sprawled to grab her phone from the bedside table, the time read 8:45 in the morning. The sun was up and it was almost mid-morning. As Lexa roused she realized that a sea of blonde hair was once again spread over the pillow beside her. It was some case of déjà vu, the familiar minty hints of shampoo filled her senses. As Lexa, had read before, ‘nothing is more memorable than a smell’. She would forever conjure Clarke with the scent of peppermint and the freshness of sunshine. 

“I can hear your thoughts” Clarke suddenly blurted out with closed eyes as she rotated to face Lexa. “What are you thinking so early in the morning?”

“Well, I was thinking that I hope I’m not dreaming and that this is not momentary nor fleeting because your scent is already imbedded in my memory” Lexa replied in a hushed tone, staring at Clarke’s profile.

“How can you be so eloquent this early in the morning?” Clarke mumbled as she eventually opened her eyes to look at Lexa.

“I write for a living, Ms. Griffin” Lexa kidded as she moved to wrap an arm over Clarke’s reclined form.

“As romantic as you may seem, I’m not seeing a hearty breakfast next to my feet” Clarke eyed the foot of the bed.

“I am not your valet to present you with a _levee_ , Ms. Griffin” Lexa replied faking her shock.

“But just last night you were worshipping me like a goddess” Clarke bantered back, hitting Lexa softly with a pillow.

“Big words from someone who used to talk about ‘equality’. Instead, why don’t you get your big bum up and I’ll go treat you to breakfast instead. I just moved in, the pantry is not yet that stocked” Lexa prompted as playfully slapped Clarke from behind.

“Alright, alright, but is this the kind of treatment that you’ll give to someone who had just given you the time of your life?” Clarke teased as she moved to get up.

“Who gave who what, Clarke?” Lexa was now upright in arms akimbo with one eyebrow raised as she dropped the blanket that covered her to reveal her nakedness in daylight.

“Hmm, let’s just say the feeling is mutual” and with that Clarke suddenly grabbed Lexa as they both stumbled back into bed.

They went for brunch after another hour, just right before Titus texted that he would be picking up his car soon.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A "levee" is a traditional daily morning ritual for a monarch. Nobles would wait around the king until his valet and the other servants are finished servicing him such as bathing, dressing and eating breakfast, this typically occupied his entire morning schedule.


	19. Renewal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa and Clarke's relationship takes a sudden turn.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for standing by and for reading this fic. Here's another chapter to catch up with the lost time.

Chapter 19: Renewal

 

* * *

 

“It's enough for me to be sure that you and I exist at this moment.”

 

_Gabriel García Márquez, One Hundred Years of Solitude_

* * *

 

Clarke was seated at the outdoor area of the coffee shop located north of Polis Park. It was early morning at the park, Clarke was enjoying her long black coffee in a glass cup amidst the sea of passers-by that scurried around her. The sun was up on a Sunday, children were strolling with their parents, pets such as cats and dogs were taken out by their owners. Meanwhile, Clarke was painting with watercolors on her drawing pad, it was another scene of the busy streets of Vietnam, street peddlers carrying baskets of goods carefully balanced on shoulder poles. The scene was textured and colorful, Clarke delved into her memory of that remarkable place where she met Lexa months ago. They had been dating for over two weeks already. Clarke had never felt this contented around someone before, but with Lexa, things were spontaneous, it was in fact, quite easy. There were no pretenses, no shared angst, they simply wanted to feel like children again; easygoing, carefree and hopeful. Choosing where and what to eat, selecting a movie to watch, deciding on what to do, seemed less chore-like. Clarke was slowly overcoming the heaviness of her baggage, but somehow at the back of her mind there was this nagging feeling. ‘ _I’m too happy, maybe something is bound to go wrong soon’_.

Clarke thought of the aptly named Murphy’s law, ‘ _Anything that can go wrong will go wrong_ ’. She hasn’t thought much about John or her mother that much since she got together with Lexa. Was it a bad thing? Marcus has assured her over and over again that there was nothing wrong with being happy again. Marcus kept on telling her that she deserved Lexa, that John and her mom would want nothing more than her happiness. That was it, Clarke was slowly realizing what this fear meant. She had this lingering apprehension because she was falling in love with Lexa.

“What are you thinking?” Suddenly a soft voice whispered behind Clarke, breaking her reverie.  

“Nothing…just a bit entranced by my pleasant surroundings” Clarke answered casually as she moved to receive a peck on the lips from Lexa.

Lexa just came from her morning run. She had been exercising religiously right after she and Clarke had decided to work on a cleanse. Lexa quit smoking and they had limited their alcohol consumption to a couple of beers or cocktails during the weekends.

“My sabbatical will be over soon; I have about less than a week left. I think I’m ready to get back to work now.” Lexa sat across Clarke, she was sweating beneath her spandex tank top, the end of April was rather humid. She waved for a waiter and ordered an iced tea.

“This one’s for the book” Clarke showed the illustration to Lexa.

“Of course, I remembered that crowded street” Lexa replied with a wide smile.

It was just about three days ago that Clarke and Lexa talked about making a journal in the form of sketchbook entries documenting their time in mainland southeast Asia. Lexa discussed the project with her editor Indra, and she eventually liked the format. Lexa had begun writing again while Clarke continued with her previous watercolor sketches that are now intended for the book.

The couple fell into relative silence as Lexa’s iced tea arrived.

“Getting back to work means I’ll be traveling again” Lexa suddenly blurted out as she took a long sip of her drink.

“And?” Clarke asked without looking up, still immersed in her work.

“So, I might be away most days, but typically, trips last for three days to a week tops” Lexa explained coolly.

“I know what you do, Lex” Clarke finally looked up from her work. “It’s not an issue at all” Clarke continued as she reached out with her free hand for Lexa’s hand across the table.

“Won’t it be weird that we had just started dating and you wouldn’t be seeing me most days in a week?” Lexa asked pouting.

“Don’t be such a child, that’s what technology’s for” Clarke chuckled tapping the wooden tip of her paint brush lightly on top of Lexa’s nose.

“So, you are calm about this set-up?” Lexa probed.

“We’re dating, Lex, I’ve never felt more secure, this is new, let’s just see how it goes. Would you rather that get I stressed out about this?” Clarke clarified.

“Nothing like that, it’s just you’re one-off, Clarke. You know my last relationship didn’t work out because of the demands of my work” Lexa was reminded of her past relationship with Costia and how it ended.

“It was not about your work, Lex. Costia cheated, as simple as that” Clarke declared unceremoniously.

“Of course” Lexa replied with a nod.

 “Look, Lexa, I’ve been through a lot. I know how it feels to lose someone and to even throw yourself into an abysmal relationship that leads to nowhere. We both know that we are beyond all that bullshit, right?” At this point Clarke held on to both of Lexa’s hands across the table.

“Yeah, you’re right. That’s why I love you” Lexa uttered wide eyed as she eventually realized what she had just said.

When Lexa’s words slowly sunk in, Clarke felt this churning in her stomach, she felt empty but full, she felt restless but calm, she had wanted to run away but she remained seated. The small round table in between them seemed to be too wide for Clarke to jump up from her seat and grab Lexa by the neck for a kiss. So, she did the next best thing that she could do.

She gave both Lexa’s hands a soft squeeze and replied, “And that’s why I love you too”

* * *

 

 

“So, I have acrophobia, claustrophobia and ranidaphobia” Lexa exclaimed as she put down her copy of Greenberg and Reinhart’s “The Pop-up Book of Phobias” as she adjusted her glasses.

“What are you reading now?” Clarke and Lexa were lounged side by side on the sectional sofa in Marcus’ living room.

Marcus was away for a conference in Finland, so Clarke had invited Lexa over for the weekend before she left for Myanmar. For over fifty years, Burma or Myanmar has just opened for tourism. Being back on the job for over a month, Lexa’s next assignment was to document Buddhist temples in the ancient city of Bagan, central Myanmar. Currently, the couple was sharing a cozy evening leisure reading in front of Marcus’ modern fireplace.

“This book about phobias” Lexa showed the books paperback cover.

This was what Clarke found fascinating about Lexa, she reads fiction but she reads more non-fiction books just for pleasure. On the other hand, Clarke was reading a Neil Gaiman graphic novel.

“And what is ranidaphobia?” Clarke asked quizzically lifting her gaze from her graphic novel from her corner of the sofa. 

“Fear of frogs” Lexa replied and Clarke guffawed immediately.

“You’re afraid of frogs?” Clarke probed.

“Yes, they pee and they’ll get warts all over you!” Lexa exclaimed bolting upright.

“But Om Nom from that Cut the Rope game is so cute. Plus, there’s also that charming Prince Naveen from the Princess and the Frog” Clarke challenged.

“They’re the cute frogs, Clarke. I’m afraid of the jumping, hopping, mosquito eating, warty, scaly…actual frogs!” Lexa defended in disgust.

“Okay, that’s noted! I will never subject my girlfriend to the presence of live frogs” Clarke held her hand to her heart smiling, mocking Lexa.

“Laugh all you want, but I’m proud to admit that I’m afraid of frogs” Lexa admitted. “How about you, Clarke? What are you afraid of?”

“Well, I’m afraid of heights…” Clarke started to enumerate her known fears.

“Acrophobia, that’s common” Lexa went to check the proper terminology from her book.

“I’m afraid of snakes” Clarke continued.

“Ophidiophobia” Lexa acknowledged.

“That’s forgivable snakes can do more harm than frogs” Clarke raised.

“Okay, point taken, is that all?” Lexa queried.

“And this one I know, autophobia…” Clarke declared 

Lexa looked into her book once more to search for the definition of Clarke’s phobia and she was stunned by what she saw, “…fear of being alone”.

“Hey, it’s not physical, Lex, I can stay in a room without another person. But I haven’t travelled alone, I lived with Marcus since mom passed. I’m not even diagnosed with anything. It’s more figurative probably, rather than medical. It’s just I’m tired of losing people” Clarke suddenly became melancholic.

“I’m sorry, Clarke..” Lexa began to comfort her girlfriend. Even if Clarke was joking, she knows that she meant it. That Clarke was telling her something, that after all that she went through, after all the isolation in her studio. She was just simply afraid of one thing, to end up being alone. 

“But you know what, I’m past that know, I think. I’m learning new things with you. When I told you that I was secured, that I wasn’t afraid about you leaving periodically for work, I meant it. I’m standing on my own two feet now, in fact, there’s nothing wrong about being alone, right?” Clarke explained a little bit teary eyed, realizing how far she had gone with Lexa.

“Yes, Clarke, and there’s no harm in trying” Lexa reached for Clarke to embrace her. 

“I have something to tell you before you leave” Clarke held Lexa’s face in both of her palms, they were seated cross-legged facing each other now. “I thought of studying again”.

“Study, as in graduate school? That’s great, Clarke” Lexa exclaimed.

“I thought about continuing my work but maybe through art education. I realized a lot during our travel, I wanted to see the world through art and maybe work in a museum somewhere. I heard about the Curatorial Studies Program in New York Institute of Fine Arts and the Metropolitan Museum of Art.” Clarke shared.

“Oh, New York, so, have you applied, already? Does Marcus know?” Lexa’s response was a bit tentative, the gravity of their situation suddenly dawned on her.

“We talked about it, he gave a long talk about the benefits of graduate school. I’ve sent my application for the Fall semester, I’ll find out in two months” Clarke explained.

“Why do I have a feeling of déjà vu all of the sudden?” Lexa collapsed on her back onto the sofa.

“Hey, Lex, it’s not déjà vu” Clarke straddled Lexa “Look at me” she held Lexa’s face onto her palms again “I’m not Costia, I’m not leaving, not without a promise” Clarke stared into Lexa’s eyes.

“I’m sorry Clarke, everything is just happening so fast.” Lexa rationalized.

“Everything that has happened between us has been spur-of-the-moment, Lex and at some point, I even thought about it to be serendipitous. How I impulsively got together with Bellamy and went with him on a trip, how I met you at that small puppet theatre, how I chose to stay with you, how I debated on answering your call that night, how I got together with you; everything was sudden but it all fell into place. I got up, I put myself out there and I trusted my instincts, I met you and now I finally know what I want with my life. All because I met you, that was my process, Lex” Clarke kept still, the moment a tear fell onto Lexa’s face, she felt nothing but the urge to embrace Clarke.

“I’m sorry, I’m just so scared of letting you go and watch you drift away, this has happened before, Clarke. It should not keep on happening to me” Lexa mumbled as she buried her face onto Clarke’s chest.

“Nothing bad will happen to us, Lex. You know we can do this…we’ve been through a lot. You’ll keep on working…I’ll keep on working…we’ll get there…” Clarke managed to stammer in between sobs. 

“We’ll try it then…” was all Lexa could say in the end. Even if she knew that her greatest fear was about to hit her hard and fast.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All works of fiction and non-fiction mentioned in this story are not mine.


	20. Antithesis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa's relationship take unexpected turns.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There are only a few chapters left to this story, thank you for taking time in accompanying me in this journey. I hope you get to appreciate this sudden turn of events as all relationships go through certain obstacles.

 

* * *

 

“I wished I was on the same bus as her. A pain stabbed my heart as it did every time I saw a girl I loved who was going the opposite direction in this too-big world of ours.”

_Jack Kerouac, On the Road: The Original Scroll_

* * *

 

 _What to do?_ Lexa asked herself, it’s quite facetious when suddenly your plan in life changes, just like that, routines broken. It's a break you can't take; you just had to keep on moving. Lexa got home to an empty room, the blinds were drawn the rays of the golden hour seeped right through her apartment. She hanged her coat and dropped her bag at the vestibule, she just arrived from Fiji. Her latest story was on the Castaway Island. She was soaked under the sun for days, her skin acquired that impeccable tan. Though her last work was interesting, she has never felt so tired in days. Her camera was filled with picturesque sunsets of the beach’s horizon but it seemed like it was just another day at work. She sat on the floor for a while, she rested there pondering how swiftly things had altered in her life for the past few months. It was just a few months ago that she had recently invigorated her thirst for life. It just seemed a while ago that she was sitting at the foot of the temples of Siem Reap, happily basking under the sun with Clarke. Clarke Griffin who was a stranger at that moment but it was the same Clarke that has stimulated her to move on and find happiness once again. It had been a month since Clarke had left for New York. There were promises thrown around here and there, an undertaking, the guarantee of fidelity. But this was not Lexa’s problem, she knew that they were at a point that faithfulness was never in question, knowing their backgrounds. Lexa’s unease was that she feared whether she was strong enough to hold on onto this moment of uncertainty. 

Skype calls with Clarke were regular, she saw how eager Clarke was by being back in school again. There were days wherein Clarke was a bit tired to talk or days when she needed to be off somewhere with her colleagues. There were days wherein Lexa’s schedule would be more demanding, moving from city to city, flying off from country to country. There were days when she needed to go to far-off locations without any communication service. Previously, being back from trips and coming home to Clarke was enough. Seeing her icy blue eyes warmed Lexa’s heart, just there lying down the couch reading a book, jolting upright once Lexa’s keys started to jingle at the door knob. Lexa would go home to a warm apartment, with low instrumental music playing at the background and the kitchen smelling of freshly brewed coffee all day long. Clarke would sometimes occupy the entire dining room table with all her watercolor paintings for the book that they were working on. Clarke has finished all the drawings for the book before she left but Lexa had never sat down to work on it. Now, Lexa came home to an empty apartment, she never felt so alone. She has never realized how bounded she was to Clarke, not until her long absence.

Looking at the wall clock, it read 6:45 in the evening, Lexa suddenly had the craziest idea. A few minutes later, she found herself waiting for a train, laughing at the spontaneity of the moment. It was the biggest break she had in weeks. She wasn't running after time; she could be as slow as she could get. It was a good decision. She figured, she wouldn't be alone if she won't allow herself to be alone. She told herself that she was used to being alone, she needed to get used to it once more. If she wanted this to work with Clarke, she needed to feel comfortable with being alone. After all, she herself would leave periodically and Clarke will not be away forever, she just needs to endure this. Before, she got used to being alone, but not until Clarke came around.

She eventually found herself walking around Polis’ Chinatown. Lexa craved for some authentic food; Lexa just needed to get out. Lexa walked around the busy streets, the clinking noises, the hustle and bustle of the evening felt comforting. The different smells of various food from dried fruits to hand-pulled noodles to steamy dumplings. Lexa just wanted to do something, to do something out of work. Just to experience things again without even lifting a pen to record the moment. Lexa used to walk around this neighborhood just because. She left with only her wallet and apartment keys, no photographs, no writing, just breezing through the moment.

Lexa realized that their lives practically changed without having each other to witness it. That moment, she felt like she was doing herself a huge favor, she was doing the right thing. The greatest things in life went unplanned. If you have nothing else to do, the first thing that comes into your mind counts the most. Lexa had finally reached her destination. She stood before an old shop house with a red neon sign that read “Open”. Dozens of patrons seated around small round wooden tables crowded inside the small noodle shop. Lexa ordered her usual, a hefty bowl of _La Mien_ , simmered in front of her.

It was the best dinner she had for years, it lasted for almost an hour. Moments like these Lexa wanted to last forever, but it fades away as soon as it comes. Lexa took her time to finish her dinner. A few minutes from now, she'll be on her way back to her routine, to her own world once again.

As Lexa hopped into the eight o’clock train, she thought to herself. ‘ _Now, this is what I would do whenever my routine falls apart_. _I'll be taking a train away from everything else_.’ 

 

* * *

 

Clarke stared absentmindedly out of the coffee shop window, a copy of the book, “The Art of Relevance” laid open and untouched on top of the table next to her cup of flat white coffee. Clarke’s gaze followed the passers-by of New York, people in a hurry, scurrying like ants, moving endlessly, navigating through a maze of buildings, cars and more people. It was a snowy evening in New York, the buildings outlined with lights glowed like light boxes. The rush of the holidays was heavily felt all over the city. Clarke missed the simplicity of Polis and the caginess of Arkadia, Clarke missed home. Marcus called her up almost every week, always interested in her classes and concerned of her well-being. For the past semester, she has only heard from Marcus.

“Yo, Clarke, are you still there?” A hand is waved in front of Clarke, Monty, her classmate tries to capture Clarke’s attention.

“Oh, you were saying something?” Clarke was suddenly out of her daydream and focuses her attention to her peers, Monty Green and Wells Jaha, both sat across her with copies of the same book that she was reading. The group had decided to study together for their art theory class.

Monty and Wells had been Clarke’s closest peers in graduate school. Monty has a degree in industrial design, his parents owns a furniture manufacturing firm but unlike his brothers who focused on running the factory, Monty wanted to work in the art industry. Wells on the other hand, always had his long term plans set out for him. He has a degree in archaeology and his father was an art dealer. Both Monty and Wells came from old money, but they kept a low profile and never wanted any excessive attention. It had been three semesters since Clarke had moved to New York, in the past year, she managed to come home for the holidays but this year was going to be different.

“Well, Monty just asked something about the reading but you seem to be out of sorts. What’s bothering you, Clarke? You’ve been staring aimlessly for about ten minutes.” Wells commented.

“Does this have something to do with Lexa?” Monty raised an eyebrow.

“It’s nothing, she’s the farthest thing from my mind.” Clarke swallowed hard, she has been in denial. “I’m just observing the busy shoppers” Clarke added.

“Are you heading home this year? You’re always welcomed to spend it me and my family. Mom is throwing a big dinner party on Christmas eve” Monty remarked.

“Not to worry, Monty. I’ll be heading home, dad would be awfully lonely without me” Clarke replied.

“Well, now that that’s sorted out, can we continue with our discussion?” Wells inquired. Clarke nodded nonchalantly.

“Okay then…” Monty went back to shuffling through his book.

It had been a year, Clarke remembered the December of last year clearly in her mind like it was only yesterday. She came home for the holidays after being away for over a year. She was so ecstatic to share her experiences in graduate school with her family, especially with Lexa. But somehow she gathered the reaction that she was not ready for.

_Clarke and Lexa sat quietly sipping their individual glasses of wine in Lexa’s dining room. The television droned in low volume in the background, news about the holiday rush and blizzards took turns. It was a day before Christmas Eve. Clarke sat there staring blankly at Lexa, Lexa played with her wine glass, slowly drawing circles along the rim with her left index finger. The couple had been silent for a while, unmoving as the fireplace crackled behind them._

_“What do you mean, Lex?” Clarke finally broke the silence._

_“What are we doing, Clarke?” Lexa repeated her question._

_“I hope you are not implying what I think you are” Clarke’s voice was broken, seemingly afraid of what Lexa might suggest._

_“I guess, this is what I was afraid of in the first place. I warned you about this” Lexa recalled._

_“Are we or are we not in love with each other?” Clarke asked, now reaching for Lexa’s hands across the table._

_“I love you, Clarke, but…” Lexa went on to explain._

_“But what?” Clarke interrupted._

_“But I feel like I couldn’t reach you…” This time Lexa’s voice cracked._

_“I don’t get it, I’m here now, aren’t I?” Clarke argued back._

_“Aren’t we going to address our silence for the past three months? I know how busy you are with school, Clarke. But there are days that I’m away and I never hear from you. This feels like white noise, I know we are both trying to figure this out. But this is not a good foundation for a relationship” Lexa explained, teary eyed._

_“You know how hard I try, Lex…just to prove you wrong” Clarke now looked away from Lexa trying to mask her tears._

_“When we met, we were both rediscovering ourselves, we were both rebuilding our forts. We were on the same page, Clarke, I still think we both are. It’s just that I think, for now, we are moving towards different directions” Lexa expounded._

_“Are you saying that this is not working?” Clarke’s voice was a little bit raised._

_“All I’m saying is that, we probably went into this prematurely, we probably needed more time for ourselves…” Lexa finally vented out._

_“Of course, I forgot how you always wanted to be safe, Lex. Even after we met, you had always taken your time” Clarke wanted to stop before she made it any worse but she supposed that Lexa needed to hear this from her. “I do remember how you first shut me out before, your friends needed to talk you out of it. What is it, Lex? What makes you so afraid?” Clarke pushed on._

_“I’m not afraid of anything, Clarke. You know what? You want to know the truth? The truth is, I’m just tired” Lexa exclaimed. “I’m just tired of waiting, I’m tired of complications!” Lexa went on. “I used to be tired of being alone, at first, I thought my work was difficult that I shouldn’t subject anyone to being alone at times, to my absence. But you know what I realized as of late, I had always managed being alone, I worked so hard to getting used to being alone” Lexa cried out. “But you came along, Clarke and you stuck around.”_

_“So, you’re blaming me for this? For sticking around?  Weren’t you the one who inspired me to better myself, to run after what I has always aspired for? You’re some enigma, Lexa Woods” Clarke spat back._

_“Maybe we should just accept this as it is…” Lexa whispered._

_“Accept what, Lex?” Clarke questioned the teary brunette._

_“Let’s both do what we want to do first.” Lexa said almost inaudibly._

_“Are you breaking up with me?” Clarke quivered._

_“Is that what you want, Clarke?”_

_“Don’t you dare throw this back at me, Lexa!”_

_“I’ll take what I can get”_

_“I expected more from you”_

_With that, Clarke rushed out of Lexa’s apartment slamming the door. It was the loneliest night in December and probably for the following months to come._

* * *

 

“So, is she coming home for the holidays?” Titus asked as he looked up from the kitchen counter where he was chopping the ingredients for the gumbo that they were preparing. He was dressed in a plain white t-shirt and a pair of dark denim jeans with a black apron tied around his waist. 

“Who?” Lexa asked from the breakfast counter, she sat on a stool with a bottle of lager in front of Titus.

“You know who, of course, I meant Clarke” Titus chimed back.

“You know that I never heard from her ever since she walked out on me that evening” Lexa explained.

“Well, you should probably get in touch with her before I do because she’s invited to the wedding” A newly bathed Gustus wearing a black t-shirt and a pair of khaki shorts still drying his wet hair with a towel emerged from the hallway.

Lexa just came back from another trip from Nepal and the couple had invited her to have dinner at their place. After Titus’ HIV scare was put to rest, the couple’s relationship became stronger than ever. For about eight months ago, Titus went on one knee in the middle of Polis Park one evening and proposed to Gustus. The couple is set for a destination wedding after the New Year.

“Well, she’s your friend, you’re entitled to make that invitation” Lexa said nonchalantly.

“Don’t make this anymore awkward for us, Lex. We all know how you still feel about Clarke.” Gustus patted Lexa’s back as he sat on the barstool beside her and poured himself a glass of scotch.

“You know, Lex. I still don’t understand why you did that.” Titus spoke from the hob.

“I just made things less complicated, Ty” Lexa answered without much thought.

“You know, I perfectly know that you both went through a lot. You both don’t deserve this. All you wanted to do was to get back to your job, all she wanted to do was to work on her career, nothing’s wrong with that, Lex” Titus spoke as he continued his cooking.

“I don’t know, Ty. I just suddenly got tired, I just had the urge to give up” Lexa explicated, taking another sip from her drink.

“Was there someone else?” Gustus inquired.

“No, there were no other people” Lexa answered immediately.

“I know this still has something to do with what Costia did to you, but I thought you were over that. Both of you deserve better than this” Titus approached the bar counter where Gustus and Lexa were seated.

“Did you guys invite me just to grill me?” Lexa tried to joke.

“Maybe, but honestly, Lex, why did you give up easily?” Gustus moved closer towards Lexa.

“Alright” after such a long time, Lexa finally gave in to the couple’s inquiries. “I was afraid okay, I wasn’t afraid of Clarke but I was afraid of being weak again. When she told me that she was going away for a while, my guts started to eat me up again. When we met, I realized how easily she drifted towards me, she was certain to leave her boyfriend at that time. You see, I saw that Clarke had this tendency to just ‘jump the gun’. What if someone else does come along? Of what if she just realizes that she’ll stay away permanently? I don’t want to subject myself to that and spiral once again, I don’t know if I’ll manage, especially with Clarke…” a single tear plopped on the countertop.

“Dear sweet Lexa, that’s where you’re wrong. You never gave Clarke the chance. Costia cheated on you, that Bellamy guy cheated on her. Those were different circumstances, of all people both of you should know better” Gustus hugged Lexa.

“Do you think that I overreacted?” Lexa mumbled.

“I think you never gave her a chance” Titus smiled at Gustus. “Just look at where chances had brought us”.

“I’m sorry, guys, I was trying to act tough” Lexa spoke almost inaudibly.

“I also wondered why it took you another year to talk to us” Titus chimed in.

“I think I’m done acting tough” Lexa admitted.

“So, do you still love her?” Gustus asked.

“I never stopped” Lexa answered immediately.

“That’s good, cause Marcus told me she’ll be home for the holidays” Titus gave Lexa a knowing look.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still, all mistakes are mine but I do not own any of the 100 characters. Let me know what you think? Thank you!


	21. Going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa recounts a memory of a serendipitous encounter with someone significant in Clarke's life.

* * *

"The minute I heard my first love story I started looking for you, not knowing how blind I was. Lovers don't finally meet somewhere. They're in each other all along."

_Rumi_

* * *

 

It was a rainy evening, Lexa was seated in a booth by the window that faced Polis Park in the coffee shop that she frequented. A now cool cup of half-finished black coffee laid in front of her, the rim of the cup filled with coffee stains shaped like her plump lips. It had been drizzling for hours; passers-by ran as they crossed the street, avoiding as much of the scattered showers on their trails. Lexa looked up from the laptop; her attention was caught by the lights reflected on the window. The array of luminance from the streetlights reflected on the glass, the colors were muddled like the strokes of an expressionist painter. In her mind, Lexa tried to form patterns; silhouettes of a sunny field instead of a cloudy dreary night. 

The coffee shop was filling up fast, pedestrians sought momentary shelter from the rain; ordering cups of hot cocoa to-go or waiting the rain out with a cup of warm coffee. The establishment hung a bell by the entrance door to signal for incoming customers, tonight, the bell was clanging non-stop. Despite the chaos at the counter behind her, Lexa’s reverie was never broken. She continued to enjoy her blissful solace in her own corner in this world. Within that year-long break, she has never heard from Clarke, not even a single sigh. For the past months, Lexa was tempted to travel to New York, to seek Clarke out and just beg for her forgiveness to take her back. In her musings, she knew that she could have mistaken. Giving up so fast was probably not her proudest moment. What was she so afraid of? She used to be so calm and collected; she was a calculated, she never did things haphazardly. But what really went wrong with Clarke this time?

A memory flashed before her, it was about a year ago, the day Clarke left for New York…

_That was it, Lexa stood behind a column at the airport’s pre-departure area, watching the blonde as she struggled with her bags towards the gates. Her quixotic self was telling her to run after Clarke and make it for that airport scene while her logical self tells her that she doesn’t even know what to do if Clarke doesn’t go. Yes, she might prevent her from leaving that very evening, but Clarke was conclusive, she was really bound to leave anyway. Plus, she didn’t want to mess up Clarke’s career goals, she had probably done them both a favor. Perhaps they needed the time to work on their individual goals. But a curious thought hit on her head, maybe it was a wrong decision to be so punitive and brash._

_“Lexa?” a person behind her broke her contemplation._

_As Lexa turned to check on her intruder, she was surprised at who she saw. A middle-aged man with long slick back wavy hair, a three day stubble and a pair of dark rimmed glasses greeted her. She tried to recall where she saw him but she just couldn’t place him._

_“Oh, I’m so sorry to startle you, but I suppose Clarke never had a chance to introduce us.” The man was tentative but he appeared quite harmless wearing a denim button-down shirt with rolled up sleeves, a pair of khakis and loafers. “I’m Clarke’s step-dad, Marcus” he finally presented._

_Lexa was frozen like a deer caught in headlights. She didn’t know what to do. The last thing she needed was for Clarke to find out that she had wanted to see her off but she was such a coward that she hid herself. Probably, she was not ready for a confrontation with Marcus, what type of conversation would you expect from your ex-girlfriend’s dad? Also, you never had the chance to meet him because you never put in much effort to stay in the said relationship._

_“I understand your shock but what are you doing here? Are you also headed some place?” He was already bombarding her with knowing questions. After not hearing any reply from Lexa, Marcus suddenly had an inkling why she was there at that exact moment. “Oh, I’m sorry, I’m really such a blabbermouth, and I guess that’s probably none of my business, right?”_

_“Clarke…” Lexa’s voice trembled at the mention of her name._

_“Were you here to see her off?” Marcus asked innocently._

_“Maybe, but I’m not sure…” Lexa managed a broken reply._

_“Not to pry but are you hiding from her?” Marcus uttered._

_“I suppose, yes, I’m sorry…how is she?” Lexa finally found her voice._

_“Look, I’m not mad at you and I think you have already decided not to run after her but would you mind if we sit down and talk?” there was a pleading tone in Marcus’ voice._

_“I can’t believe how calm you are about this, I hurt your daughter, sir.” Lexa was hesitant._

_“I think you have your reasons. Let’s hear it then.” Marcus motioned Lexa to follow._

_Lexa nodded and Marcus led them to a quaint coffee shop outside the departure area. After they ordered their coffees at the counter, Lexa and Marcus awkwardly sat across each other with a small café table between them._

_“I’m sorry, I’m being rude. I’m Alexadria Woods, I’m sorry that we met in such an unfortunate circumstance.” Lexa extended her hand to Marcus across the table._

_“I’m sorry I wasn’t able to meet you sooner, Marcus Kane.” Marcus shook her hand firmly before letting go._

_“Sorry if I’m being blunt but how did you recognize me?” Lexa wondered._

_“Since you got together, Clarke talked about you non-stop, she showed me some photographs. Plus, I must admit, I’m an avid reader of your articles at Polis Travel and Living.” Marcus explained._

_“Have you still been such a fan even after what happened between Clarke and me?” Lexa speculated._

_“I still have my subscription, I admire your photography. Though I’m not sure if you’re as good as you are in photography as being a girlfriend.” Marcus tried to joke. “I spotted you as I said goodbye to Clarke but your gestures appeared like you didn’t what to be seen by her.”_

_“I guess that’s such childish behavior, isn’t it?” Lexa apologized._

_“She was so furious when she arrived that evening. She had managed to shut herself inside her studio before I got to her. She locked herself in for a day, I’ve seen Clarke crash and burn before. It took her years to recover.” Marcus recollected._

_“The one before, was it about John?” Lexa speculated._

_“First, it was John and then it was about her mother. She was so young when everything happened all at once. I wanted to help her, I wanted to lift her up, but I couldn’t it was a difficult time for me as well.” Marcus re-counted as he took sips of his coffee._

_Lexa was silent, she didn’t know what else to say. She knew about Clarke’s ex-boyfriend and her mother, she knew how difficult it was for Clarke. But she did what she had to do, anyway._

_“Listen, Lexa, I don’t believe in ‘moving on’, I also don’t believe in ‘letting go’. This means that you are either there or you walk away from a person, from your life. But people who matter to us, especially people whom we have lost, their memories stay. We simply choose to either lock up these memories or toss them out to the wind. Without these memories, without this person, you think that there's this emptiness that needs to be filled, but these memories linger. True, we no longer see it but we can always feel it. So wherever you go, it follows you; but it’s always about what you make out of these memories. Do you let it haunt you or do you let it teach you?” Marcus went on. “I’m guessing, sometime in your life, you were hurt too. That person may be long gone or far away but can you feel how much her memory has probably affected you. There's this certain strength that we gather as we go along, we either succumb to the depths of despair or we overcome it. For me ‘letting go’ is all about forgetting about someone or that feeling that you once had. ‘Moving on’ means walking away from that memory because we are terrified but how much it can affect us, for some, they know how weak they could get. But real strengths are also measured not by ‘moving on’ and ‘letting go’, for me, it’s all about getting up and sticking around. To stick around and see what happens next. We stay to see if we can put back the broken pieces of ourselves that we have gathered, we stay to see if it can still hold on even if we are shaken. You should be brave enough to stay and see if you can endure submitting yourself to the point of breaking once again.”_

_“Why are you telling me this?” Lexa asked Marcus anxiously._

_“For whatever Clarke has told me about you before and after that day, I see much of my younger self in you.” Marcus explained. “You see, I met Clarke’s mother, Abigail, when we were still at the university. I was finishing my degree in architecture, she was still in pre-med at that time. Mutual friends introduced us, we eventually dated by the time she started med school. At that time, I was also at the peak of my career, I was offered a job at Singapore. I wanted us to be happy career-wise, so I told her that a long-distance relationship was a far cry. So, we put our relationship on a break and did what we wanted to do, we didn’t end in amicable terms, she was so furious, she shut me out. I tried to forget about her and focused on my work instead, I was happy with my accomplishments but there was never a day that I never thought of Abby but I never plucked up the courage to talk to her again. I decided to go back to Arkadia after five years, through a friend, I found out that she had a daughter a couple of years ago. When I learned that she wasn’t married and that Clarke’s dad left her, I knew I needed to set things straight with her. She didn’t make it easy for me either, she was still mad at me when I got back. It took me years to win her back and it even took me a longer time to gain Clarke’s trust and affection. We were married for two years before Abby passed away. It was the best time in my life.” Marcus was almost in tears._

_“Look, Lexa, I wasted so much time, I thought I had it. I thought I could linger and savor life as I went on, I was wrong.” Marcus sighed and took another sip of his coffee. “But nothing was the same after Abby, even Clarke, we were never the same. Clarke has experienced the same thing with John. She has gone through so much, as I was picking myself up, I saw my daughter fading away from me. How much of her lowest point do you know?” Marcus inquired._

_“She told me about her melancholy, she told me about her drinking. I think, that much I know.” Lexa replied nervously, anticipating whatever Marcus might add to that._

_“She was on a downward spiral, Lexa. She couldn’t sleep, so she drank. Before that, I knew how much she needed me but I ignored her, I was too busy being miserable for myself. Her lowest point was much worse than mine. She went out with strangers, she allowed them to take advantage of her miserable state. She thought I never knew about the men and the women at the bars but there were times that I was so worried, I followed her. I just wanted to know that she was safe; I kept my distance, it was the time when she stopped acknowledging me as her dad. Sometimes, she would shut herself at her studio and never talk to me for weeks. Then one day, she just decides to go out again and eventually brings that Bellamy home. I tolerated them because at that point at least she was acknowledging me, at least she got out of her room. When she went on that trip, I was glad that she was enthusiastic about life again. When she came home telling me about what happened and that she met you, things took a full turn.” Marcus gave Lexa an appreciative look._

_Lexa didn’t know what to say, so with her silence, she encouraged Marcus to continue._

_“That day, when you asked her to come over your place was the same day that she acknowledged me as her father again.” Marcus concluded with a deep breath. “I saw her fall and I saw her fight, she has gained a new perspective, Lexa. She has sought a new purpose, you had a lot to do with that. She’s been telling jokes again, we had been having tea and at porch and talking about the future again. But what happened between you two? Don’t you want to be around to see that?”_

_“Thank you for telling me all these things.” A single tear escaped Lexa’s left eye. “But I’m terrified, Marcus. I trust her but I don’t know if I have enough faith in me. I wasn’t like this before, just that I had given myself to someone before and I’m reminded of the pain once again, I don’t know if I have enough strength left in me to endure the possibility of any more pain.”_

_“I can’t blame you, I’ve been there. I know how it feels to experience something so strong that you needed to shield each other against it. Some loves may be destructive but others may be reconstructive. If you trust that there is enough time in your hands, then be patient enough to seek it out.” Marcus expounded._

_“Do you think Clarke will ever forgive me in the future?” Lexa asked tentatively._

_“Hmm, probably, though I think she already has.” Marcus reassured Lexa._

_“Thank you.” Lexa gave Marcus a warm stare._

_“Look, if you need my help, just call me.” Marcus took out a calling card from his wallet and handed it to Lexa. “Though I think seeing you today was serendipitous. Take your time Lexa, but don’t take too long.” With that, Marcus stood up to take a leave._

Lexa never told anyone about meeting Marcus that day. She never told anyone that she almost ran after Clarke at the airport that day. So when she and Titus met Marcus in one of the Polis galleries earlier this year, she pretended that they were meeting in person for the first time. Though Marcus had constantly been updating her of Clarke’s whereabouts the past year, she had remained passive to most of it. Lexa was silent but Marcus remained hopeful. Marcus never asked but he always gave her that knowing look telling her to hurry up.

* * *

 


	22. Certainty

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The more you can create that magic bubble, that suspension of disbelief, for a while, the better." (Edward Norton)

* * *

“Love involves a peculiar unfathomable combination of understanding and misunderstanding.”

 

_Diane Arbus_

* * *

“What have you got in here, Clarke, some boulders?” Marcus dropped Clarke’s suitcase by the vestibule of their house. 

“Nope, just an anchor and a fish tank.” Marcus gave her a stern look. “I’m kidding! Just some books and a couple of materials, dad.” Clarke answered as she put away her coat in closet by the foyer.

“Clarke, you promised that you won’t be doing any more studying during the holidays. We have plans, remember?” Marcus reminded his daughter.

Marcus carefully laid out a plan for their holidays together, they’ll be visiting Abby’s grave and probably John’s too. They’ll be going to a couple of parties hosted by relatives and friends and most of the time they’ll do traditions like setting up a Christmas tree and putting more lights on their house and probably host their own party too.

“Of course, I won’t be working as promised. You have my full attention! I just brought home some stuff so that I won’t have such a hard time when I get back.” Clarke explained as she removed her gloves.

“So, you definitely have plans settling back here? No more staying in New York after you graduate?” Marcus inquired as he headed to the kitchen to prepare coffee.

“Well, let’s just say that I’m open for possibilities but I’ll definitely be back here. After all, I can’t leave you all alone here, you’re not getting any younger.” Clarke chuckled as she followed Marcus to the kitchen.

“Why, excuse me, young lady, I can perfectly manage on my own. I’ve been managing for a long time now.” Marcus remarked as he forced open a jar of ground coffee.

“I know, dad, It’s just sometimes I miss you and I get home sick. Plus, the pace of life at New York is probably not for me. I’d rather sit here and discuss books with you until our coffees would get cold and stale.” Clarke replied giving her step-father a side hug, her head lingering on his shoulder.

“Whatever you say, Clarke.” Marcus pronounced as he gave his step-daughter an affectionate look. “How’s your dating life by the way? It has been a year.”

“Dad, you know my priorities, right?” Clarke sneered.

“So, that Wells boy that you always talk about and that T.A., what was her name, are not in the picture?” Marcus inquired as he leaned on the kitchen counter to face his daughter.

“Wells is only a friend, we always go out with our other friend, Monty. Jessica was just a one-time thing, it was just one date, and I found her quite belligerent and cocky.” Clarke recollected.

“Okay, I’ll take your word for it. Sorry to be blunt, dear daughter, but I had to ask. No sleeping around this time? No drinking?” Marcus inquired with a raised eyebrow.

“C’mon, dad, you know I’ve been sober since…” Clarke wanted to say ‘since Lexa left me’ but she couldn’t finish her thoughts, she couldn’t say her name. When she moved to New York in such an awful state, Marcus was afraid to see Clarke spiral so hard again. So, he begged her to see a therapist or go to a support group. Clarke obeyed her step-father and she had been sober since then. With regards to sleeping around, Clarke was past that stage. She figured she had enough of relationships for a while, going out with Jessica that one time was simply due to the insistence of Monty and Wells.

“I know, Clarke, I’m proud of you, you know that?” Marcus hugged his step-daughter.

“I know.” Clarke replied softly.

Noticing the pregnant silence between them, Marcus shifted and took something out from one of the drawers in the base cabinets.

“This arrived for you a month ago.” Marcus placed an elegant black envelope on the counter in front of Clarke.

Clarke opened the document carefully and was astounded by what she read. “Titus and Gustus are getting married?” Clarke asked enthusiastically.

“Yup, after the New Year’s, you’ll still be here by that time, right?” Marcus queried. “Plus, they’ll be hosting a dinner party at their new house on the 23rd.” Marcus informed.

“You’ve been in touch with Titus?” Clarke asked feebly.

“I met him in a gallery once…through Lexa.” Marcus almost hesitated in mentioning Lexa’s name.

“Its fine, dad, I think I’m working on it, you can say her name you know. I’m sorry for never introducing her to you personally, see was always away. How did you three meet?” Clarke assured Marcus that it was okay to talk about Lexa. She figured, if she had plans on returning to Arkadia, she was bound to see Lexa around Polis.

“I know how she looks, I met her there at the show and Titus was with her.” Marcus explained, leaving out the information that he had already met Lexa at the airport the day Clarke left.

“Thank you for handling this well, dad. I know you were mad at her, too.” Clarke supposed.

“I was a little bit mad, Clarke, maybe more of disappointed, but I was never furious. I can still act civil around people. So, have you heard from her?” Marcus asked cautiously.

“Not since that day.” Clarke was referring to the day they broke up.

“Hmm, sooner or later, you should tie lose ends, you know. Just so you can go beyond this.” Marcus advised.

“I know, dad. Soon, maybe.” Clarke thought.

“So, will you be attending the wedding and the dinner party?” Marcus asked.

“I’ll think about it.” Clarke wondered whether she’s in fact ready to face Lexa once again.

“Just tell me if you need a date to the wedding so that I could get my tux fixed up.” Marcus joked to lighten the mood a little bit.

 

* * *

Lexa browsed through the aisles of a Polis supermarket, she was stocking up on liquor, snacks and meats for the holidays. She won’t be visiting her parents this year, since they have decided to go on a cruise. This was her first time to spend her holidays alone. Before, she was typically with someone, either with Costia or her family, she had never felt the weight until now. This year, the quietness in her flat has brought Lexa into deep thought. _Will it always be like this? I need to get used to this._ However, with the wedding of her friends coming up, she had imagined that she would probably get through this scathe-free. Anya and Raven will be coming over for the New Year’s to attend the wedding and she might not feel too lonely after all. Plus, she is Titus’ ‘best person’ for the wedding, she’ll have tasks to worry about; though the couple seem like they have everything under control. Gustus carefully planned out everything to be simple and utilitarian while Titus is just moderately involved, allowing Gustus to get the upper-hand in most of the decision-making (since Titus was a little overbearing in their relationship in the past). Now, Titus is taking the back seat and is taking advantage of Gustus’ efficiency and their wedding planner’s enthusiasm. After all, the couple just wants a simple yet genuine ceremony. In Gustus’ words, ‘I don’t care about the color of the table napkins as long as the weather is sunny and warm’.

As Lexa carefully browsed through the aisles of fresh produce, she was startled when someone called out her name from behind her.

“Lexa?” she recognized that voice anywhere.

As Lexa turned to confirm her guess, she was face to face with a beaming and confident-looking woman. Her once classy and snobby appearance of high-heels, dark short dresses and gold or silver jewelry was replaced with wooden accessories, a head of Mohawk curls and she was wearing a light-colored patterned linen tunic. She almost did not recognized her physically without the make-up.

“Costia?” Lexa was caught in surprise. Almost as if she wanted to poke Costia to see if she was real.

“Of course, in the flesh.” The woman in front of her replied.

“Are you back?” Lexa inquired weakly.

“Hah, I know you’re the last person who’s happy to see me but you look like you’ve seen a ghost, Lex.” Costia joked. “Or maybe because I’m more of a ghost to you already.”

“I’m sorry…” Lexa mumbled, too taken aback of this moment. Lexa never really thought that she would see Costia again, so she never really thought of how she’d react if she does see her.

“Don’t be, I know how horrible I was. But to answer your question, yes, I’m back but only for the holidays. I’ve been doing some volunteer work, I’ll be off after New Year’s. Just taking a supply run myself” Costia replied enthusiastically, seemingly happy to have seen Lexa. “So, how are you? Are you having a party?” Costia eyed Lexa’s cart of liquor, meats and snacks.

It took Lexa some time to answer, pondering about where she’ll start or whether Costia had the right to ask such a question in the first place. But she realized that she was already beyond her, of course, she was startled but seeing Costia again reaffirmed her that she knew she was never ever going back to that road with her again. So, she just blurted out the first thing that came into mind, “Been working, and been all over the planet, same old, same old. No, party just stocking up.”

“Still got that job, huh.” Costia asked with a raised eyebrow.

“Of course and I’m still enjoying every bit of it.” Lexa responded.

“Yeah, I still follow the magazine. So are you alone or are you here with someone?” Costia looked around to check if Lexa had company.

“Nope, I’m alone.” Costia eyed Lexa taking note of that detail. “Just doing some grocery shopping before Anya arrives.” Lexa explained.

“Oh, Anya is coming over?” Costia was never in good terms with Anya, they never saw each other eye to eye, so she was a little less enthusiastic with the information.

“After New Year’s, she’ll stay at my place with her girlfriend. Titus is getting married.” Lexa informed casually.

“That’s great news” Costia paused as if to hesitate but then suddenly lifted her ring finger for Lexa to see. “I’m also getting married soon, as well.”

If Lexa knew about this years ago, she might have had a different reaction. However, at this point, she couldn’t care less. She could only hope the best for Costia, this was when she realized that she might probably had forgiven her already.

“Wow, when?” was all Lexa could utter.

“Well, when I told you earlier that I was volunteering, I also went to different regions. There’s this program on sustainable agriculture, I’ve been to many places engaging in workshops and community work. I met her during the Australian leg. We’ve been together for almost a year now.” Costia shared.

“I can’t believe that I’m saying this, but I’m really genuinely happy for you, Cos.” Lexa realized that there was much truth to her words. Probably, seeing Costia again and feeling nothing but the triviality and timeliness of the news meant that she had actually forgiven her after everything that happened between them.

“Thank you, Lexa.” Costia was a little bit teary eyed. “I never knew that we would reach this point. I would just want you to know that a lot of these good things in my life probably never happened if not for my realizations after ‘us’”. Costia placed a hand on Lexa’s shoulder, Lexa knew she was being sincere.

Costia’s words pierced through her but the effect was more of reprieve in a positive note rather than regret or despair. “I think I see things in a better light too. Probably, we just met at the wrong time in our lives.” Lexa established.

“If you don’t mind? Can I hug you now?” Costia offered in reluctance.

“Of course.” Lexa eventually allowed this gesture, setting aside all the hurt and the pain. After all, she was done pinning over what could have been, a long time ago.

 

* * *

 

Clarke struggled with the big push cart behind Marcus. Since they were setting up decorations a bit late in the season, Marcus was frantic that they wouldn’t be able to get everything on time. So, he dragged Clarke along at the supermarket to make sure that he got all the help that he needed. After purchasing all the LED strip lights that they would need for their outdoor decorations, they needed to finish all the grocery shopping before heading out to get a tree. Marcus was so worried that there weren’t any good ones left. Though still a little bit jet-lagged, Clarke played along her step-father’s exhausting antics. 

“Hey Clarke, I think we might need more chicken.” Marcus examined the already brimming cart of goods.

“More chicken?” Clarke protested giving her step-father a confused stare.

“If we’re having that party, I’ll be making chicken wings. Go get some more.” Marcus motioned Clarke to head back to the poultry section.

“Between the both of us, this is already so much food.” Clarke pointed at their cart.

“Go gripe all you want, but you’ll be the one heading back here in the awful weather if we don’t get enough of everything.” Marcus threatened his lazy daughter.

“Alright, alright, I’ll go.” Clarke raised her hands in submission.

“Just leave the cart with me, go meet me at the checkout counter once you’ve got everything.” Marcus called out after Clarke as she headed towards the next aisle.

Clarke walked towards her destination mumbling about Marcus’ weirdness during the holidays, until she found herself in an abrupt halt. She blinked several times, she couldn’t believe what she just saw at the produce section. She backed towards the shelves near her and took a second glance at that same direction. She’s not mistaken, she would always recognize that brown mane anywhere. Just a few aisles away from Clarke was an oblivious Lexa, she had her back at Clarke’s direction. As Lexa moved, seemingly engrossed in a conversation with an attractive woman, Clarke caught a glimpse of the side of her face. Lexa was smiling, she looked happy, she was apparently close to the woman she was with. The woman touched Lexa’s shoulder lightly, they looked at each other intently. From afar, Clarke could only assume one thing: _Is this her new girlfriend?_ It was a year after all, no communication from Lexa whatsoever, she could even be married by now. As the other woman moved to hug Lexa, Clarke observed the tenderness in their movement. Too stunned by what she just witnessed, Clarke had forgotten why she was there in the first place. So, her initial reaction was to simply walk away and head back to Marcus. Clarke internally scolded herself as she paced towards the check-out counter. _What was I even thinking?_

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm counting down the chapters until this story ends, please hang on with me and see this through. Again, thank you for appreciating my work, it means so much to me.


	23. Discourse

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa finally resolve their issues.

 

* * *

“We were friends and have become estranged. But this was right, and we do not want to conceal and obscure it from ourselves as if we had reason to feel ashamed. We are two ships each of which has its goal and course; our paths may cross and we may celebrate a feast together, as we did- and then the good ships rested so quietly in one harbor and one sunshine that it may have looked as if they had reached their goal and as if they had one goal. But then the mighty force of our tasks drove us apart again into different seas and sunny zones, and perhaps we shall never see each other again; perhaps we shall meet again but fail to recognize each other: our exposure to different seas and suns has changed us.”

_Roland Barthes, A Lover’s Discourse: Fragments_

* * *

“What’s troubling you, pumpkin patch?” Titus whispers to Lexa as he pours himself another flute of champagne.

Titus’ and Gustus’ dinner party was already in full swing and almost all of the guests have arrived. Lexa was so anxious to see Clarke again, especially with the developments in her life the past few days; but was only disenchanted when she saw Marcus arrive sans Clarke. Marcus simply gave her a dejected stare and a pat on the back. ‘ _I tried, kiddo, sorry’_ was all he muttered as Lexa greeted him at the door.

“I was too apprehensive, maybe I’m too late.” Lexa mumbled finishing her wine in one gulp.

“Well, she’s still in town, you still have your chance. Have you tried talking to her?” Titus asked with a raised eyebrow.

“The plan was to talk to her today, remember?” Lexa answered back. She wore a black dress today; with a mid-thigh hem, wide butterfly sleeves, a V-neck and narrow ties with tassels at the waist. She had smoky eyes, applied to expose her brow bone and neutral colored lipstick; to say that Lexa prepared for this evening was an understatement.

“So, that’s it? You’ve decided to simply give up and just sulk here?” Titus mocked.

“The signals are there, Ty. Much has happened within a year, for all we know, she’s already dating someone.” Lexa was starting to get into a funk.

“It took you a year to torture yourself and to pine endlessly on Clarke, this can be a bit anti-climactic. I say, you should grab the bull by its horns and get this over with. We already did the best we could to get both your asses back up and we are not taking no for an answer.” Gustus finally joins in.

“What do you guys mean?” Lexa was suddenly stunned by her discovery.

“We’ve been ceaselessly trying to get you guys back together.” Marcus chimes in. “You don’t think I just “accidentally” bumped into you folks that day, do you, Lexa?” Marcus probes with air quotes.

“So, you have been planning this reunion all along?” Lexa asks wide eyed.

“Well, we were planning a wedding, this is just a side job.” Gustus winks at his fiancé.

“Plus, you being single for a year is killing me, you’ve been wearing your long fingernails far too long.” Titus lifts Lexa’s hands to show her polished fingernails.

Marcus gives Gustus a blank stare.

“It’s a girl thing.” Gustus snickered.

“Oh, oh, I finally get it!” Marcus finally laughs at the joke.

“Shut up, Ty, not funny! But what do I do? It seems like Clarke is not interested in me anymore.”

“I don’t know what happened after our trip to the supermarket a few days ago but from the looks of it, she still seems pretty interested. I’m never seen my daughter sulk so much if not on your expense, Lexa.”

“I’m sorry, since when?” Lexa took note of a minute detail.

“Let me see,” Marcus counted back on the days with his hand. “It was last Saturday, we went to the supermarket before we headed to pick up a tree and she was already in a very sour mood after that.”

“Shit, shit, shit!” Lexa finally pieced the information together. “What time did you go?”

“It was a little bit after noon.” Marcus tried to recall.

“Shit! She saw me!” Lexa suddenly had an epiphany.

“What do you mean she saw you?” Titus clarified, pushing his fiancé aside to get closer to Lexa.

“She saw me talking to Costia!” Lexa countered.

“What? Is Costia back?” At this point, Gustus was already so confused.

“Costia who?” Marcus was more confused.

“Shit! I need to fix this!” Lexa finally jumped from her spot, shoving the men around her out of her path.

“Is this some other Costia or the Costia who once upon a time trampled on your heart and feed it to the piranhas?” Gustus was utterly disoriented.

Titus moved out of Lexa’s path to give his fiancé a side hug.

“It’s a long story, I’ll tell you later. I need to fix this!” Lexa was already up in her heels. “No matter what happens, I love you both! Thank you for intervening for me.” Lexa took a step back to envelope her friends in a side hug. “Marcus, where’s Clarke?” Lexa turned to Marcus.

“At home, still in her pajamas.” Marcus responded.

“I need to go.” Lexa was already rushing towards the door, quickly grabbing her coat from the closet.

“Wait up, Lexa. I’ll drive you.” Marcus volunteered. Lexa gave him an endearing smile. “I won’t miss being part of this story.” Marcus murmured behind Lexa.

 

* * *

 

“So, you’re sulking in your pajamas?” A virtual image of Wells stressed from Clarke’s laptop monitor.

Since Marcus could not convince her to join the dinner party, Clarke made herself a cup of warm chocolate and checked if Wells was available for a Skype call. For the past hour, she had been pouring out all her resentments to Wells.

“I don’t know what else to do, what would I do when I see her? Say that ‘I’m happy for you and I hope you have a good life even though I’m not part of it anymore’?” Clarke sobbed burying herself behind her pillow.

“After all this time, Clarke. Why don’t you just go talk to her and confront her?” Wells advised.

“She did all of this, why should I be the one to lower down my walls this time?” Clarke countered.

“It’s not about defenses or walls, Clarke. You’ve been away far too long, you’ve never communicated after. I just feel that there are a lot of things which are lost in translation here.” Wells explained, loosening his tie. Wells came from church and he still hasn’t changed from his suit and tie when Clarke called.

“I saw her Wells, she seemed so happy…with someone else. I can’t ruin that.” Clarke’s voice was on the verge of breaking.

“And are you okay with that? You don’t even know the beginning and end in this story.” Wells clarified.

“I think I know what I saw.” Clarke stressed.

“I’m just saying, if you’ve really decided, what else is left to lose? Just go up to here and say ‘hey, Lexa, I see that you’ve moved on now. I’m happy for you.’ If see confirms then we can sulk some more, if it’s the other way around then I won’t expect that you’ll be back early next year.” Wells teased trying to convince his friend.

 Just go up to here and say ‘hey, Lexa, I see that you’ve moved on now. I’m happy for you.’ If see confirms then we can sulk some more, if it’s the other way around then I won’t expect that you’ll be back early next year.” Wells teased trying to convince his friend.

“You’ve got a point, I’ll think about it.” Clarke acknowledged.

“Stop thinking about it, you’ve done a lot of thinking already. Just do it!” Wells encouraged.

Suddenly, Clarke heard the doorbell ring followed by some ruffling noises from the vestibule.

“Hey, Wells, I think dad’s back, he must have forgotten something. Thank you for listening, I’ll call you tomorrow.” Clarke bade Wells farewell, quite keen to check the sounds from the entryway.

“Anytime, Griff! Let me know if there are any developments to your love life.” Wells waved from the monitor.

“Thank you, bye!” Clarke closed her laptop as the call was disconnected. She then hastily proceeded to the foyer, only to be utterly taken aback of what was in store for her.

 

* * *

“What if she says ‘no’?” Lexa ponders before stepping out of the car.

“Well, she’s anxious and still a little bit mad but trust me, Lexa, she has been waiting for this for a long time.” Marcus tried to calm Lexa down.

“Hey Marcus, thank you…thank you for doing all of this.” Lexa gave Marcus a genial gaze.

“That’s my daughter in there, Lex. Before her mother passed away, I promised to take care of her. I know what’s good for my daughter and I plan to keep that promise to my wife.” Marcus’ hands gripped the steering wheel, Lexa could tell that he was on the verge of tears.

“Whatever happens, I could not thank you enough.” Lexa moved to hug Marcus.

“Now go on, you have things to do.” Marcus tried to hide his tears from Lexa. He had always treated Clarke as his own, he could only wish for his daughter’s happiness. “Here you go, just in case she does not let you in.” Marcus tossed the house keys to Lexa.

“I’ll wait here, if things go south, that’s where I’ll come in.” Marcus propped the passenger door open for Lexa.

“Thanks again.” Lexa told Marcus before heading for the front porch.

 

* * *

“Hey dad, is that you? Did you forget some…” Clarke’s voice broke when she saw who was stooped at the entrance door as it swung open.

“Sorry, he handed me the house keys…” Lexa realized that when she swung the door open, Clarke was already there by the vestibule in her pajamas with hair disheveled, puffy eyes and tear stains on her cheeks.

“Lexa?” Clarke tried to tidy herself up but to no avail. “What are you doing here?” Clarke mumbled.

“I’m sorry, I’m so stupid…” Lexa muttered under her breath as she slammed the door shut and marched up towards Clarke enveloping her in a tight hug and eventually crashing her lips unto Clarke’s.

Clarke was too slow to react, so she reciprocated the kiss wide-eyed, only to realize that it should not be happening at the moment. “Wait, wait, what are you doing, Lex?” Clarke moved trying to distance herself from Lexa but Lexa had a tight grip.

“I’m sorry, Clarke…” Lexa restrained herself creating some distance between them but her hands remained on Clarke’s hips, Clarke did not budge from her grip. “You see, I don’t have a grand speech prepared. Thanks to Titus, Gustus and your dad, I’m here on a whim and a sudden jest of sheer courage and certainty. I’m sorry Clarke, for being tentative, for being scared, for hurting you at your most vulnerable moment. I know you had been through a lot, your dad made sure that I knew about it. Trust me, I know you might think that it wasn’t his place to tell me everything, but he did, at best intentions. Let it be known that I don’t love you out of pity or out of spite; I love you because of your resolve, the audacity to take life head on, to take risks. I’m not much of a risk taker, Clarke, you know that and you triggered this fear within me. So I asked myself, ‘are we going too fast?’, ‘was I used to being alone?’ I didn’t know how to react. Probably, this time, the greatest risk that I took was to gamble between being with you and being cooped up in the security of my own cocoon. I thought it was all about self-preservation; you know how sentimental I could get in drafting out my own passage in this life. I wasn’t even done with my own sappy journey to self-actualization and moving on before you suddenly came rushing into my life. I wasn’t prepared for that, but who is? All I know is that, since you left, I was stuck in my own limbo, never knowing what to do next. So, it’s either you take me back or I’ll start working on trying to forget about this moment when I completely made a fool out of myself in front of the woman I love.” Lexa said all in one breathe.

“Did you just say that you did not prepare for a speech?” Clarke was already in tears, yet she was still trying to make fun of Lexa.

“It’s kinda impromptu…” Lexa tried to explain but Clarke had already grabbed her to move closer and shrouded her lips with hers. “I still love you too.” Clarke took a breath.

“What was I even thinking, letting you go?” Lexa inhaled on Clarke’s neck.

“Probably, it needed to happen. For you to realize what you really want and for me to go after what I really want.” Clarke added. 

After a bated breath, Lexa moved to speak once more.

“Also, that time at the supermarket, that was nothing…” Lexa tried to explain.

“I don’t care, anymore. I missed you. Just shut up and kiss me, Lexa.” Clarke once again moved to kiss Lexa. Lexa lifted Clarke as Clarke interlocked her legs over Lexa’s hips. Lexa pushed Clarke onto the wall, they were caught in another lip lock when suddenly there was rampant knocking on the door.

“Ladies, is everything fine? I’m just checking, but you can tell me to go away. Anyway, it’s freezing out here, just wanted to make sure that I don’t need to give Lexa a ride home.” Marcus tried to reaffirm in a muffled voice.

“Shit, forgot that your dad’s still here.” Lexa giggled.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for reading my work. We are already nearing the end, I hope that you have enjoyed this work of fan fiction. There are two more chapters left, planning for a proper ending and an epilogue.


	24. Denouement

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Clarke and Lexa's story has reached its end (for now), thank you so much for waiting so patiently and following and even subscribing to this story. I hope you have enjoyed this journey as much as I did writing it. This was my first work of fanfiction and I am glad that you guys have appreciated it so far. Anyway, there will be an epilogue to this story, plus, I am also working on another story as we speak. Again, thank you so appreciating my work! Of course, I do not own any of the characters created by Kass Morgan and The 100 TV Series; any plots and characters with similarity to other works are purely coincidental.

 

 

* * *

“Have enough courage to trust love one more time and always one more time.”

_Maya Angelou_

* * *

 

Lexa looked up onto the ceiling of the pavilion; every corner was lined endlessly with twinkling lights. Round tables were covered with plaid cloths and adorned with cornucopia center pieces. Lexa loved the idea that the tablescapes were edible, she nibbled on the grapes as they were waiting for their meals to be served. Gustus had always wanted this rustic country theme for their wedding, Titus happily gave him the upper hand in all the planning. Titus couldn’t care less, he could have agreed to marry Gustus in front of the city for all he cared. After everything that they’ve been through, all he wanted was to finally get rid of all the toxicity in his life and settle down. Gustus on the other hand was ecstatic, so Titus allowed him to enjoy all the barnyard splendor much to his heart’s content. Eighties dance music was blasting in the air, the DJ wasn’t so bad though Gustus had already prepared their own playlist beforehand. It was all Pride salutations and 80’s nostalgia for the couple. 

“Can I just say that I’m too old for this?” Titus plopped down on the seat next to her. Sensing that he was very parched, Lexa offered him her punch and he took it in one gulp, talking out his handkerchief to wipe his sweaty forehead after.

Titus who initially looked very polished took off his blue bow tie and his brown tweed blazer leaving only his vest over his crisp white shirt. At this point Gustus has already taken off most of his clothes as well. Over his shirt which already had sleeves rolled up in the arms, he only had his suspenders and plaid bowtie left. Sans his blazer and vest, Gustus was starting to have a good time. All the tearful speeches were over at this point, half of the guests have left and only family members and close friends were enjoying the rest of the evening. Lexa wore a halter neck burgundy dress with lace details on the upper chest, her hair was set up in a messy bun with the fringes eventually falling to the sides as the day faded.   

Lexa was alone in the table at this point, people were dancing to Kylie Minogue’s “The Loco-Motion” late in the reception party. When Titus left the dancefloor, Gustus joined Marcus and Clarke, sandwiching the latter in between the two men. Lexa observed Clarke from her seat, she looked so carefree and relaxed; she looked so contented. She wore a flowy cornflower one-shoulder floor length dress with a high-slit, she danced comfortably now that her high-heeled shoes were stashed below the seat next to Lexa. As she continued to witness the scene before her, a sudden realization hit Lexa like a gust of cold wind in the advent of winter. She could dwell in that scene forever, witnessing how blissful Clarke was as she danced, like nobody was watching, except she was. 

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Titus remarked again, looking at the same direction.

“Yeah.” Lexa agreed, though she knew that they were looking at different things.

“What are you two perverts looking at?” Suddenly, a new presence had broken their reverie. Anya slouched in between the two of them; Anya wore a burgundy pantsuit, same color as Lexa’s since they were part of the wedding entourage. Her blazer was elegant over a black silk shirt and her pants framed her long legs perfectly in a flowing boot cut.

“Marveling at our significant others.” Titus replied immediately. “Speaking of, where’s yours anyway?” He asked with a raised eyebrow.

“She’s just right there, talking to Indra about their shared interest of street food.” Anya pointed to the adjacent table where Raven was chatting animatedly with Lexa and Gustus’ boss.

“So, are you joining the club anytime soon?” Titus inquired with a wink.

“Probably, but not really soon, soon.” Anya adjusted herself from her slouched position. “After graduating, Rae and I are taking this European tour. Who knows where we’ll end up?” Anya smiled at the thought.

“Funny, I never realized we’ll all reach this point.” Lexa mumbled without looking at her two friends, her gaze was still fixated on Clarke.

“Yeah, I never guessed I’d be the first one to take the plunge either.” Titus snorted at himself.

“But you’re happy now, right? I mean after the scare?” Anya placed a comforting hand on Titus’ shoulder.

“After everything, An. I’m just glad I’m here now, pondering about the future with my two favorite people in the world.” Titus motioned to envelop the two ladies in a tight hug.

“Stop being a sap! Your reception’s almost over and I haven’t wasted a tear yet, so don’t make me.” Anya snapped at Titus but both her eyes were already glassy, on the verge of tears.

“I remember back in high school, I could not even pronounce the word denouement. Knowing how to pronounce “dāno͞oˈmäN” now, I guess I could say I know what it means, I kinda know what it feels like.” Lexa eventually drivels out.

“You’re blabbering my dear.” Titus takes out his handkerchief from his pocket once again, but this time to wipe a tear.

“Damn, we all had a difficult time before, this is so surreal!” Anya exclaimed with a huff. “Enough with these sappy recollections, can we just hit the dance floor again?”

“Lead the way, madam!” Titus rose from his seat to join Anya.

Lexa chuckled at herself, if things didn’t turn out the way they did, if they continued on making the wrong decisions, seemingly punishing themselves for their past mistakes, they could not have reached this point. After all the heartaches, all the acceptance, all the growth that they needed to do; all the foolishness and cowardice will simply remain but an amusing memory of the past. A sappy story as Anya puts it; a bunch of sentimental stories that they’ll talk about during a reunion at the quaint coffee shop near Polis Park or probably another funny story to recall in another wedding. _Who knows what will happen next_? Lexa’s musing was suddenly broken by a pair of blue eyes that looked towards her direction.

“Lexa, are you coming with?” Anya shakes her shoulder once more.

“I’ll catch up…” Lexa replies almost inaudibly still looking at the opposite direction.

Sensing what has caught Lexa in such an enchanted state, the duo took the hint and headed towards the dance floor, winking at Clarke as they chanced into her moving at their direction.

“Hey stranger” the blonde greeted.

“You can still walk away; if you change your mind, you can still lose me in this crowd.” Lexa replied meaningfully.

Clarke recognized that line from the evening when they first met.

“Never” she straddled Lexa’s lap and connected their lips in a solemn and tender kiss oblivious to the world around them.

* * *

 

 

Clarke sat at the ledge and the stared at the night sky from their hotel window. Spending another idyllic evening with Lexa in bed seemed like such a farfetched thought a month ago. Yet, there she was cozy in a charming bed and breakfast, cuddled in a warm bedstead listening to Lexa’s soft wheezing as their evening ended in such a blissful state. The pavilion where the wedding reception was held was quiet now, all the furniture had been store away and the guests have retired to their respective rooms. They were in the outskirts of Arkadia where the cattle farms were and where the sky was clear enough to make the constellations visible from where she sat. Clarke hummed to herself as she gazed at Lexa’s face, her sharp jaw was outlined by the soft moonlight infiltrating through the window.

Lexa’s soft features suddenly scrunched up, “I can hear you thinking all the way from here” she mumbled as she carefully opened her eyes.

“Hey babe, just missed looking at a clear night sky.” Clarke answered as she fumbled back to bed, only holding up a crumbly white blanket to cover her naked form.

“Well, I suppose that’s not all you’re going to miss when you head back to school.” Lexa grinned mischievously as she positioned herself, her back against the headboard revealing a naked upper torso as her blanket slithered down from her form.

“Yeah, about that, I’ve been meaning to talk to you.” Clarke sat at the foot of the bed opposite Lexa.

“What about?” Lexa asked with droopy eyes.

“About this” Clarke gestured to Lexa and herself. “Whatever we’ll do next.”

“We’ll you’re scheduled to go back to school after a week, right?” Lexa motioned for Clarke to move closer.

“Yeah, one more week and then it’s probably going to be one more year.” Clarke explained as she laid her head on Lexa’s shoulder, both of them now seated against the headboard.

“Then it’s going to be one more year then.” Lexa mumbled.

“I guess…I can wait one more year.” Clarke muttered unenthusiastically.

Lexa saw that flash of sadness in Clarke’s eyes.

“No, not like that. I don’t mean like that.” Lexa held Clarke’s chin, beckoning Clarke to face her. “Together, not apart, we’ll be together.”

“But we tried it, Lex, you know how it went, remember?” Clarke responded with glassy eyes.

“It was different back then, we were scared, we were tentative, and I was terrified.” Lexa blurted out.  “Can you trust me one more time?” Lexa held on to both of Clarke’s hands.

“Always.” Clarke answer back pulling Lexa in to a fervent kiss.

The kiss they shared was intense but it wasn’t just lustful, it was penetrative as if they were delving into each other’s thoughts, feelings; into each other’s soul that no words could express. With bated breath, they both paused for a while simply searching into each other’s eyes.

“Ow, before I forget!” Lexa suddenly jumped from the bed and turned on the ambient lighting and rushed towards her suitcase in all her naked glory. When she finally found what she was looking for, she gesticulated back to Clarke, “I have a surprise for you, close your eyes.”

“Is it something kinky?” Clarke joked as she covered her eyes with her hands.

“Nope, it’s something better!” Lexa cried out as Clarke felt the bed dip beside her.

“I should be or else I’ll be very disappointed.” Clarke chastised.

“Alright, open your eyes now.” At Lexa’s command, Clarke removed her hands from her eyes and as she adjusted her vision to the bright light of the room, she was faced with a grinning Lexa who was holding up a coffee table book before her.

_The Traveler’s Sketchbook: An Illustrated Guide to Mainland Southeast Asia, Words by Alexandria Woods, Art by Clarke Griffin, Published by Polis Travel and Living_

“I suppose they already mailed a copy to your address at New York by now but I got this from the first batch of the first edition prints.” Lexa smiled goofily.

“Wow!” Clarke sifted through the pages of the book. It outlined all the places they’ve been to from their evenings in Hanoi, to their adventures in Siem Reap to the city life in Bangkok. “We really did something beautiful together.” Clarke garbled as she skimmed through the pages.

“Well, Indra already pitched the idea of turning it into a volumes like making one for Maritime Southeast Asia, East Asia, South Asia, Central Asia, well she went on and on until she covered all the regions in the world.” Lexa smiled sheepishly.

“She said that?” Clarke asked unreservedly.

“Yeah, she’ll talk to the executives if this one turns out well, it will be much of a possibility.” Lexa grinned.

“Hey, Lex.” Clarke slurred.

“Yeah?” Lexa inquired.

“Thank you for letting me tag along in your journey.” Clarke beamed.

* * *

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave a comment on your thoughts on this story! Thank you!


	25. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We've finally reached the actual end of this adventure; sorry for taking so much time, but I racked my brain in how I will end this story. I'm actually uploading two chapters on the same day to give you some closure.

 

* * *

“I rarely end up where I was intending to go, but I often end up somewhere I needed to be.” 

_Douglas Adams_

* * *

 

After two years…

Lexa squinted as a salty sweat drop almost fell into her eye; it was high noon, the sun was up and she scrunched low to capture a photograph. It was always difficult to capture an image of a moving subject, every photographer knows that. After running around, genuflecting on one knee and ducking low on the ground to follow her subject; Lexa has finally gotten her subject in a standstill. Trying to be as stealthy as possible, Lexa even tried to hold her breath as she took shot after shot. It was an awe-inspiring possibly senior tabby cat; it finally lounged under a concrete bench and carefully licked itself clean.

“There you are!” A booming voice came from behind which eventually startled the furry creature causing it to run away and disappear into the ruins of a building.

“So much for being subtle and stealthy.” Lexa grumbled as she plopped unto the ground and inspected if she got at least one good photo of the tabby cat that she has been following for the last hour.

“I don’t get why you keep pestering that tabby, there are so many cats in the area.” Clarke motioned to the lounging felines in door fronts, under the shade of the trees and the gutters in general.

“Have you watched the Lion King?” Lexa muttered.

“The Broadway version or the Disney one?” Clarke queried, to which Lexa felt was slowly turning into a joke.

“Whichever!” Lexa roared. “Well, that guy, the guy I’ve been following since we arrived, the guy you chased away. Well, he was Mufasa, he was the alpha, and he was the biggest one.” Lexa explained as she continued to look into the digital screen of her camera.   

“Well, I don’t think so.” Clarke mumbled as she sat of the concrete bench taking out a juice box from her backpack.

“What do you mean?” Lexa stood from the ground moving to sit beside Clarke. They sat on a shaded area under the expanse of the tall bamboo behind them.

“I don’t think he’s the alpha, he’s just the chubbiest. I bet the actual alpha in this village is Scar over there!” Clarke pointed out into an equally enormous tuxedo cat lounging at the door front of the visitor center, he had a deep scar above his left eye.

“Hmm, I think it’s possible.” Lexa was somehow convinced as she took the juice box that Clarke had given her.

 _The Traveler’s Sketchbook_ series had definitely gone well. Indra had indeed hired both Lexa and Clarke to work on the succeeding volumes focusing on Maritime Southeast Asia and Central Asia in the past year. After her graduation, Clarke proceeded to work for Titus as his head curator in his gallery. Early this year, Clarke and Lexa ensued working on the East Asia volume of their sketchbook series. They were pegged to travel to Mongolia, China, then to Japan, Taiwan and South Korea and eventually in Hong Kong and Macau for the last leg. Currently, they found themselves in the quiet rustic village of Houtong, north of Taipei. Along the Keelung River, the Houtong village was once a mining village until the 1990s. Just in 2008, the tourist scene was brought back to life when a local villager started to take care of stray cats which eventually became part of the village’s identity. As visitors arrive by train, various cats of different colors and sizes which roamed around the vicinity greeted the strangers. Some were friendly but the others remained indifferent or lazy. The district was also lined with quaint cat cafes and souvenir shops which sold goodies for cats and of course, also for people.

The duo sat in silence for a while, admiring the stillness of their surroundings. Lexa observed a group of kindergarteners from afar. They were probably on a field trip, they approached the tourist center in a single file; their teacher marching up front. The children wore colorful t-shirts and shorts, some of them wore hats but most of them carried small backpacks.

“Hey Clarke, have you ever wondered about kids?” Lexa suddenly blurted out.

“What about kids? Are you asking me about what I think of kids in general or whether I would want to have one in the future?” Clarke inquired as she sipped from her juice box.

“They’re cute aren’t they?” Lexa stated without even clarifying her previous question.

“Yeah, they’re cute, until they start pooping and talking back and jumping around.” Clarke muttered.

“Would you like to have one?” Lexa suddenly stared back into Clarke.

“You’re asking me as if we can just pick out one from that bunch and take one home.” Clarke guffawed.

“No, I’m serious, I mean in the future, maybe.” Lexa stammered.

“Well, the world keeps getting better with you around, so maybe, someday.” Clarke replied as she grabbed Lexa’s hand to intertwine her fingers with her own.

“But seriously, would you want that little boy in a blue shirt with apple haircut or that little girl in a jean jumper with that funny hat?” Lexa continued to joke.

“I think I’d like that cute chubby boy at the end of the line, he seems like he’s fascinated with something else instead of listening to his teacher.” Clarke points out.

They remained that way until it was time to chase some cats again as the sun continued to set and it was finally time to hop on the last train heading back to downtown Taipei.

 

* * *

 

After six months…

Clarke left the gallery early, it was about to rain, the skies were grey and people were rushing to wherever they were headed for the evening. The Polis subway was bustling, Clarke wanted to get home before her dinner date with Lexa, Lexa was probably still at work. It was Lexa’s birthday, Clarke wanted to make this year special. She had planned for a quiet dinner in Lexa’s favorite _teppanyaki_ restaurant where she’ll later on reveal that she had brought tickets for a surprise trip to Istanbul in the following month. Clarke had already asked for Gustus’ help to negotiate a vacation leave with Indra, to which Indra immediately approved. Lexa always talked about visiting Istanbul, she was always fascinated with the East meets West culture in the region.  

After her arduous adventure at the subway, Clarke fumbled for her keys at their doorstep. Yes, it was their apartment, after Clarke’s graduation and finally acquiring the job from Titus at the gallery; Lexa has asked Clarke to move in with her. With Lexa being away for work most of the time, she has eventually turned the spare bedroom into her own studio as she continued to work on her own art and the illustrations for the upcoming volumes of _The Traveler’s Sketchbook._ Their shared studio space was typically lined with large prints of travel photographs and half-finished watercolor paintings. As Clarke turned the key into the keyhole, she noticed that the door was left unlocked. She tried to recall if she had somehow forgotten to latch it the previous morning but she was sure that she secured the door, she always checks twice when she leaves the apartment. As Clarke opened the door slowly, she took out her umbrella from her bag, preparing to bash any intruder that she might come across with. But to her surprise she noticed that all the warm lights were turned on, there were lighted candles along the foyer and the living room and soft jazz music played in the background. Clarke tiptoed as she entered the threshold, there were candles, it could only mean one thing; Lexa was home. But they were only a few hours away until their date, Lexa could not have set up this elaborate scheme and leave the house with lighted candles for hours. As Clarke neared the bedroom, she only noticed that the music kept getting louder, the door was slightly left ajar. Oblivious to her surroundings, Lexa was humming and was lighting more scented candles on top of their dresser, she had her back against the door. Clarke had mixed emotions, she could not understand what was happening before her.

“Are you cheating on me?” Clarke knew that she uttered it as a joke but she eventually realized how scared she was of Lexa’s answer.

“Geez, you’re not even supposed to be home yet.” Lexa jumped in shock, realizing that she did not notice Clarke enter the apartment.

“Are you expecting someone else?” Clarke asked with a raised eyebrow, dropping her umbrella in the process. “Or is someone else here?” Clarke moved to inspect the rest of the room including the bathroom.

“Really, Clarke? Am I that deceitful?” Lexa stood her ground, smirking at Clarke’s antics.

“No, I’m just overreacting, I think. I know you’ll never do something like that. But I don’t understand, Lex. What’s all this? Don’t tell me you prepared all of this to surprise me? All the candles, we’re just hours away from our date? This doesn’t make sense?” Clarke was simply confused at this point.

“Should I say that I’m just one step ahead of you?” Lexa grinned. “And if I wasn’t in such a good mood, I would be mad right now since you accused me of infidelity.” Lexa crossed her arms, she still remained unmoving.

“What do you mean ‘one step ahead of me’? Isn’t it your birthday, you’re not entitled to surprises, Lex.” Clarke mumbled in confusion.

“It’s my birthday, I’m entitled to do anything I want.” Lexa declared with conviction.

“So, when I phoned Gustus earlier and asked if you were still at the office, you were really here?” Clarke tried to puzzle things together.

“Let’s just say, I never really went to the office and spent my day the way I wanted to.” Lexa beamed as she eventually bounced on top of their bed.

“So, this means that Gustus has been actually working for you all along eh? That snake!” Clarke suddenly realized that Gustus knew about both their plans for the day but to Lexa’s favor.

“Well, Gustus was in fact my friend first.” Lexa purred as she stood up and walked towards Clarke. “Anyway, stop being too technical about it, you haven’t spoiled anything yet, just that I expected you to arrive much later.”

“So, you really anticipated that I’ll be dropping by before our date.” Clarke mumbled to herself.

“Stop being too methodological, dear. We’ve been together for years, I know you enough to know your routine. You always head home to freshen up before our date, we live together for crying out loud.” At time point, Clarke was still tangled up with what’s happening, Lexa held her around her shoulders. “Anyway, since you’re a bit out of it, I might as well take advantage of this moment, since my nerves had been killing me the entire day.”

Lexa suddenly went on one knee and Clarke gasped as the scene in front of her started to sink in.

“Without much enactment or grandiose actions, since you’ve caught me red-handed already. Without looking forward to a nostalgic memory or witnessing a scenic overture since we’ve been to many places in this earth together. Without much flamboyant gestures and over the top expenditure; in our bedroom under the light of my many scented candles, with the space which has bear witness to our fervor and life together, will you grant me the soon to be greatest birthday present by becoming my wife?” As Lexa looked up to Clarke with glassy eyes, she pried open a black velvet box which revealed a plain platinum band.

Clarke covered her mouth with an intake of breath, then she nodded enthusiastically trying to mask her mixed emotions of elation and astonishment.

“Yes, definitely.” As she uttered those words, Lexa slid the ring on her finger and bounced up to meet her with an ardent kiss.

“You scared me a bit.” Lexa mumbled under her neck.

Suddenly, Clarke realized that she had already prepared for the exact same moment months ago. Too bad Lexa was really one step ahead of her, her surprise was more complicated since it involved a trip outside the country and Turkish coffee to share under a clear sky.

“Well, I was supposed to do this on a later date but I guess, now is also a good time.” Clarke removed herself from Lexa’s grip. She headed for her sock drawer and fumbled for an envelope and a small brown leather box.

“Had you not inserted another thing in our itinerary this evening, my plans could have gone smoothly. You see, my actual gift entailed a trip to Istanbul in the coming month and secretly whispering those four words in your ear as we head out to a quaint coffee shop to enjoy Turkish coffee. But since you had always been an over achiever and you were able to beat me to it, I guess this further supports my answer.” Clarke opens the small box revealing a simple rose gold band. “However, the offer for authentic Turkish coffee still stands.” Clarke opens the envelope and discloses two plane tickets.

“Can I just show you how much I love you, Clarke Griffin?” Lexa allows Clarke to slip the ring on to Lexa’s finger and Lexa takes and carefully places their plane tickets on top of their dresser, away from all the candles, obviously. “We can talk about dinner after I’m done with you.” Lexa slurred as she pushed Clarke unto their bed.

“I would love that very much.” Clarke replied in a sultry tone, inviting Lexa to come nearer.

As the couple shut their door to enjoy a discreet evening to themselves, thus begins their soon to be new adventure as future wife and wife.

* * *

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much in accompanying me in this journey, it had been such a pleasure to receive good feedback especially since it's my first time to upload, start and finish something of this length. My next work of fanfiction is inspired of a new fandom that I have just recently discovered (Hollstein) but I still have another Clexa AU fic in my notes. Let me know what you think. Again, thank you for appreciating my work!


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